Count the Cost, Find Joy

He was walking home from a long day at work; nothing was making sense, he didn't have any money. His family was starving and he was losing hope. He detoured through this field, and as he was walking, kicking up dust, he stumbled over a hole. As he knelt down to see the whole, he saw something glisten in the sunlight. It was a diamond; but there was more. The whole was deeper. Before he knew it, he realized that he had enough money to buy the field, if he went home and sold everything. He counted the cost. But he didn't count the cost of the things He would need to give up. He counted everything He would gain.

I never understood this parable before. What did Jesus mean? Comparing the kingdom of heaven to a field with treasure in it. Well this week in YWAM we were learning about counting the cost of following Christ.
It's like addition.
 Jesus + everything he has to offer = JOY
It will always equal joy.
5+7=12
It will always equal 12.
If you don't come up with that answer you must keep reconfiguring till you get the right answer.
So, if you don't come up with Joy, you haven't added right, because Jesus promised we would come up with Joy.
Jesus has incredible value. If he didn't, why else would Paul say "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Paul had it, he understood who he was following and why.

Sometimes I think so easily we lose who we are following, we go through the motions and forget why exactly we strive to follow this Christ. So, who is he and why should we follow this man?

The all perfect, all glorious, all holy Son sat next to His Father through Creation. He watched the Creation that they had poured their everything to, turn their backs. Sin had entered the world. And it shattered his heart, because He knew what it meant. He was holy, sin could not be in his presence. He was wrathful, He had to destroy the wicked. He was God, he had to be just. But, He was love. And love couldn't do that. Love couldn't leave his creation. Love had to provide a way. So He chose a nation, of which he would bless and love and save. But still, they turned their backs, still they failed to see what He was truly offering.
So God the Father, enthroned above all, fully wrathful, fully loving, turned to His Son and said "You must go. You must save their souls."
So Jesus, being fully God, left heaven to be born in a manger and die on a cross. But that isn't want brings me to my knees. Because being born is easy, and everyone must die. It is the daily mundane, the grueling that He faced, that brings me completely to my knees.
He walked through life. Those days that you wake up and you look across the room with absolutely no desire to awaken and arise out of bed, He faced. Those days when your heart is broken the idea of 'keep on moving,' seems like Hell. The days you are tempted beyond what you can bear. He bore that weight. Those days when someone you love dies. He faced.
But the crazy, inspiring part, is that He faced these days with Joy. With a purpose. With humility.

His best friend John died. His cousin, the one he was connected to even in the womb. His head was cut off. Jesus went off, fighting tears, to be alone and mourn as any of us would have. But the people came, as they always did. He didn't yell or complain. He healed their sick and had compassion on them. And when the day was coming to a close and the people were hungry. He divided fish and bread enough to feel the four thousand. Then, when the people were satisfied, when the deeper need was fulfilled, he went on to mourn.

 What brings me to my knees is that simple fact that He loved, He put himself aside even when He deserved to be focused on Himself. He was God, How much more should I do that?

In being led to the cross, he had every right to prove to the scoffers jeering at him that He was GOD. But He chose not to for the very people crucifying Him. He had no one, his best friends ran, Peter denied, his followers screamed with the crowd "CRUCIFY HIM!" His own Father turned his back because He couldn't bear to see the sin in His holiness. When the entire sin-weight of humanity fell upon His shoulders, he cried out "My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me?" Jesus was the only one to ever feel God forsake him in living.


The weight of our sin killed him.

The joy of His Love saved us.

The moment God's wrath and God's love met, was the most beautiful, most ugly day in history. The Savior of the world died, and God turned his back to the sin. 3 days later, He rose from the dead. He rose to verify what He had done. And He didn't just go to his disciples. He didn't just go to the 12 men who had become his best friends. He told them to spread the word. To "Go and Make disciples." And that is how you and I know Jesus as our Savior. THAT is the type of God we are worshipping. That is the value we are giving everything up for.

So, one morning when I took a really long walk and counted the value of Christ, I knew why I was serving Him. I'm not just going to love people, and satisfy their temporary needs. I'm going to tell them about their Savior, the one who redeemed my life directly from the pits of Hell. Who saves me from the cancer of pride. He is the one I worship and I want everyone to know.

So no longer is it about the things I must give up to serve the God in heaven, It has become who Jesus is+ gratitude for what He has done for me
and that can only lead me to JOY.
This is what turns me into that man who couldn't wait to go home and sell everything He owned. He joyfully ran to his wife and children and gave up EVERYTHING. That is what turns me into someone absolutely desperate for more of Him, totally surrendered and willing to give up everything I own for more of God. This is what makes me a Christ-follower.

Deer, Getting Lost and Rainbows

Today during my quiet time, God taught me so much.
I was taking a walk in a new neighborhood I haven't explored yet (by the way, the neighborhood I live in is SO rich. One person has a tennis/basketball court in their backyard.) So yeah, when I wasn't getting distracted by the super big, gorgeous houses, this is what God taught me:
As I was walking I saw 4 deer in someone's front yard. I then thought of Psalm 42.

As the deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, Oh God.

God's already been teaching me and showing me all week how I need to be desperate for Him. As a deer pants for the water, as a dehydrated man searches endlessly for water, so my soul must thirst for God, the Giver of Living Water.

My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

How often am I desperate for God, or do I just long for the things He offers me? I want to be in a place where I am desperately pursuing the Word of God, devouring it like I've been fasting for days.

Deep calls to deep,

at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves

have gone before me.

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

 By day, God commands his love for me. His unchanging Spirit. He commands it to me so that I won't lose it during the hectic days. By night, his song is within me to remind me, faithfully, that His love never fails, even when it's dark. Even when the only thing I hear is the distant song that He gives to me in the dry seasons, the tragic seasons, and the broken. His song becomes my prayer in the night.

As I was walking in the unfamiliar neighborhood, I kept turning on new roads, and eventually realized I needed to head back but not to sure how to get there. I ran into a kind lady who thankfully explained to me how to get back to my road. Through this God showed me my need for people in my life to guide me through. I get so caught up in the roads I go on, I get starstruck by the fancy things, and lose direction. But God gives us people in our lives to direct us and guide us for a season. I must learn not to turn down the offers of help and love.

The last thing that God showed me was a rainbow. No rain, sun was shining, and there was a rainbow. Rainbows have always had significant meaning in my life. God was promising me something, He was promising me that even though it's sunny and life is wonderful, His promises are still relevant in my life. He will still be ever with me through what I must learn to walk through in the next few months. He will hold my heart as I walk through unfaced emotions and unfelt pain. He promises so that I can trust.

So yeah, this week has been great. We've been learning about relationships, which is amazing. God is teaching me that I need to learn how to have friendships with guys. Also, he has just been reminding me why I made my commitment to purity so many years ago. I wish I could have you hear the teachings I've heard this week, because it really makes me understand why God wants such a union saved only for marriage. He puts a protective circle around married couples which the devil can't get into unless the couple allows it. But so much hurt and heartache comes in without the protective circle. We've been learning that God made attraction, and about the words in the Bible for sexual immorality such as lasciviousness, concupiscence and fornication. These words mean lust and preoccupied by the opposite sex, and to stir up desires in yourself that cannot be fulfilled righteously.

I've been building some amazing friendships with some amazing girls. God is really just teaching me so much this week. I love it. Today I went to my first prom. It was a prom for mentally disabled people and we just got to dance with them and love on them. It was so fun.

 I miss you all!

A day in the life at YWAM

Well, it is the start of week #2 at YWAM Louisville. I love it. I'm being challenged so much in my faith, not only with the speakers but in my personal Bible study. I live in a huge house full of 34 girls! Which is super fun, it's a party all the time (:
 I want to give you a look into my daily schedule.
I wake up at (preferably 6:30) but it's been 7 lately. Eat some breakfast, which at times has turned into cheez-its or mac and cheese. At 7:30 we have quiet time for an hour. I've done various things with this time, take prayer walks, studied my Bible or just rested in God's presence.
At the end of this the vans pick us up to take us to the church where we have classes. Most mornings we have classes. Wednesdays though, we have an hour worship before classes which is awesome. Then we have lunch and more afternoon classes. Some days we also have intercessory prayer for the nations, praying for nations we could be visiting or problems facing the world today. Really whatever God lays on our hearts. 2 days out of the week we have small group, which I'm excited to get more involved in. Evenings have been free for homework, hanging out, or shopping for snacks :P I can't wait to learn more of what God will teach me. On Thursday I will be starting local ministry. We haven't been told exactly what that is yet, but I am so excited!!
I think one of the most important aspects I've loved is the relationships I've been forming. God knows how much my heart needs friendships and relationships, he has completely blessed me with the friends he's given. I can already feel life long friends forming. Friendships built on conversations about God are probably the best ones.
So that is a little excerpt into a day in YWAM. Any questions? Comment or email me! I'd love to tell you more personally about my experiences.

Pride, Filthy Rags and Surrender

How often am I prideful? How often does my heart covet after things I don't have? How often have I stolen Christ's crown, his glory, for my own. I hold his crown and take the things that define me.The things I place on the alter of self. "Look, God, look at my gifts I bring you." He looks me in the eyes and says "filthy rags."
"But God, don't you see what I've done for you, how I changed their life?"
"Filthy Rags."
I steal his glory and offer it to Him like I have something good to bring. Something that will benefit our relationship. He says, "Filthy Rags."
Everything I try to bring is a filthy rag. Every heart I think I change, I steal his glory. Who am I to take it?
As I'm laying on the cross, hands ready to be driven with nails. Jesus comes and lifts me up, lays himself down and says, "Child, watch."
I watch as my sins nail him to the cross. I watch as my sin, the sin of stealing Christ's own glory, I watch as He dies in my place. I'm in a place of endless forgiveness, as I watch the things I did carelessly, the friends I hurt recklessly, all the sins I've done lain upon my Savior and He says "I forgive you. I want none of your filthy rags, they are nothing to me. I want none of the things you think you have to offer. I want an empty you, so I can fill you up. You will be righteous only by my blood. Let me soften your heart."
This leads to the surrender.
God will bring up hurts in your life you thought you had healed from. It will be hard. Today, through strange circumstances, God brought up pain I had suppressed. He let me grieve. I'm not sure I cried harder than I did today. All my unanswered questions came out and I asked 'Why?'
This is going to be a season of surrender. It's going to be a season of confronting the hard things, the convicting things. But it will be worth it. God will show me things like pride, I never thought I'd need to confront. He will walk me through grief. He will transform me.

Time is a Thief, Time is a Giver

So many farewells, So many faces I must say goodbye to. So many friends I must walk away from, knowing how much distance will strain the proximity of our hearts. Time is a thief, trespassing into my days, stealing them away, in front of my eyes, and there is nothing I can do. So many things to do, in so little days, so little hours. Time dances moments in front of you, and you hold on so tight. But soon, the moment dissipates and the memory becomes hazy. The companion you were dancing with has gone. The friend you were hugging is only an impression on your mind. Time is a thief, but he is also a giver. He leaves us these gaps to fill, hearts to love, places to go, and beauty to see.
He takes so much, and it could leave us tremendously bitter, it could leave us with open wounds that are endlessly bleeding. But if we don't look and see, we will miss how time can leave us feeling miraculously alive, with scars etched in love and joy beating in our hearts that have felt the butterflies of fear and that have been pursued by unconditional Love Himself. Time allows us to say, "My cup has overflown."
Time teaches us to be thankful for what we have. He shows us just how easily it can be taken away. Just how shallow our breaths really are. That we are shadows, fading flowers, here for a moment, a blink, a breath.
Time grants us the moments that take our breath away. The moments we feel immortal. The moments in which we struggle to breathe from the amount of love and joy weighing on our hearts. The pain and the sorrow that are remarkably insignificant to the infinitely amazing emotions we feel, we breathe, we see.
Time grounds us to the important things. The things that in the end will be the only things left. It provides a catharsis for the trivial pursuits and the meaningless banter leaving us with the important.  God, faith, family and friends.
Time gives the future. A place to dream of, A place to linger a little longer in your dreams. Time gives the present. A place to be intentional. Time gives the past to remind you of where you've been and what it took to get you here.
Time is many things, thief being the only downfall to his character. He gives an infinite amount of moments and as an old Cherokee man told me once, the moments are all we have been given. Use these moments, these precious gifts from God Himself, to give, and only receive the blessings of an overflowing cup. To love, infinitely, so it blinds eyes to hate, and they will only see Love. To laugh, until your sides hurt and tears are streaming down your face. To cry, but never so much that you despair. Cry but never lose your Hope. Cry but feel the joy in your heart also.
Never hate time, Time is a gift of God. Time is God telling us how mortal we are. How broken we are. How sinful. Time is God's gift, he sacrificed His infinite Time to love a finite race infinitely. He is not confined by Time yet he placed himself in time for us who are so bound by it. Thank you to my infinite God who has loved my finite heart so infinitely.

YWAM- An overview of my next 6 months.

And so, the summer has ended just as I prayed it would not. My friends have left for college. Our lives are beginning. We have these empty slates to fill, whole chapters to write, revision isn't an option. Although it felt like I shut the cover of a book, saying goodbye to my best friends, I know I'm merely turning a page and God has so much more planned.

I'd like to tell you a little about the next adventure I'm about to embark on. In a few short weeks I will be leaving for a program called Youth With a Mission (YWAM). The first 3 months of my school (Discipleship Training School) will be a lecture phase in Louisville, Kentucky, of delving into the word of God and strengthening my relationship with Christ. During this time I will also be doing local outreaches, such as afterschool tutoring, helping in homeless shelters, etc. The second phase of the program is Outreach. I will be traveling to another country on a 6 weeks mission trip. The place is currently unknown, but I know God has it planned out just perfectly.
During this time you can support me in two ways. The first is Prayer. Prayer will be a huge support, I ask that you will pray for my focus and growing relationship with Christ. I ask that you pray that God will direct and guide me to the next steps in my life. I will keep you updated along the way of more specific prayer requests.
A second way you can help me is financially. The first half is a pay your way type of thing. But during my outreach phase I will be sending out letters for prayer and financial support. If you would like to receive an update letter, send me your address to my email/facebook.

During the next six months I will keep this blog updated of my travels and adventures, letting you know what God is doing in my life and in the ministries I will be involved in. If you have any questions, send me an email! Thank you in advance for all the love and support I know you do/will give!

Grace

She's standing there, lost and helpless. Like the last leaf that floats off the tree the moment before the icy winter. Yet she scampers off, even though help has arrived, even though her rescue is finally here. Oh how many times I've done this.

Today I rescued a kitten. It's funny how God uses the strangest of circumstances to remind us of such precious truths, to again paint a picture on my hearts of His never ending love for me.
As I was walking through the painful brush, pushing aside limbs that intended to attack me at all costs and ankle deep mud which smelled of oil, I didn't have a clue of what hopeless animal I was about to discover. (I was hoping a cat, because if it had been anything else..) Her cry was so pitiful, so loud, and relentless. And when I finally arrived, she was standing there, lost and helpless. Like the last leaf that floats off the tree the moment before an icy winter hits the hearts of those waiting with such dread. Yet she scampers off, even though help has arrived, even though her rescue is finally here. But with patient love, we allured her back to us and she walked to my outstretched hands. As I was carrying her back home, covered in dirt, I realized this is exactly what Christ has done for us.
He came into the world, walked the dusty roads and felt the painful brush.
Firsthand, he felt the grief of death and the desolate emptiness it brings, he tasted the saltiness of tears and how much they hurt our hearts yet cleanse our souls. He was attacked by the limbs of men who intended to hurt Him, break Him, and murder Him, without guiltily looking back. He trudged through the mud of this dirty world, and He did it without disgust, or ever turning His face aside.
He hears our pitiful and weak cries. We don't even know who we are calling for, but our hearts are broken and empty, so we cry, hoping someone will look past our smiles and save us. And when He finally arrives, in all that holy splendor, in all that love, so gentle, we turn and we run, because so long have we cried, yet so long have we hid our tears. So long have we called for help, but so long have we turned down offer after offer. But Jesus doesn't stop pursuing us, we still cry and we see His outstretched arms. Something inside us tells us to give in, because never before has anyone stooped so low, and so far we were into the mess we have made. So lost, we had given up hope. But there are forces on the outside luring us with temporary fixes. Little do we know how much these damages our fragile hearts.
When she was finally in my arms, the walk home was long, and she was anxious. Occasionally she would cry out. This is also like us. We are finally in Christ's arms, and he says "In this world you will have trouble but take heart I have over come the world." He tells us to wait because He is "Going to prepare a place for us." And we cry out because the wait is long and we just want to be free. We just want this tear-stricken world to end. We long for Home. Yet Christ promises us, "soon, my child, soon."
It's funny the tiny lessons God gives that we can miss if we rush through life.
Grace is a tiny ember,
that floats away from a burning.
This tiny ember floats away from the fire,
landing on unsuspecting kindling.
A heart caught in the unaware.
A heart so dark.
But this ember is Light.
And Light is not bound by darkness,
The ember touches,
makes contact
with the unsuspecting,
and a wildfire is set ablaze.
A wildfire is not contained,
it is not safe,
it is reckless.

Grace is a wildfire.
When caught we're all consumed.
Consumed by Love,
for grace is a whirlwind of love and forgiveness.
for grace is birthed from a mercy,
a mercy that would sacrifice,
a mercy that loves.
Grace returns
when the wildfire grows dim,
when the world tries to dowse our sparks.
Grace lingers
when the darkness attempts to drown us,
but even the smallest flame lights up a room.
Grace is here,
when my heart believes it is me who saves,
it is me who is strong.
Grace is sufficient,
when carrying on feels a mountainous,
 impossible task.
Grace is sufficient,
to light up the darkness,
to be merciful,
and to love.
Grace is a wildfire,
and I have been consumed.