Surrender

Fighting against the beauty of surrender is a hopeless battle.
Unsatisfied, I forge ahead, letting my imagination fill in the details I have not yet been told. 
I hold in white-knuckled fingers a reality I have no control over.
I lose feeling, it's mine. How can I let go?
My fingers loosen their death grip. "What if," wars within my mind.
My Father looks down, gently touches my hands and whispers, "Let go."
My heart is ready, freedom knocks at the door. Yet I want to go. I want to think of every possible solution I can conjure up and run. Control is an enemy I have danced with for far too long.
Let go is freedom. Surrender will banish fear. But he is another dangerous companion I've allowed access to my heart for longer than necessary.
And the freedom I have felt, the Love I have tasted, I want more.
I want surrender to my Savior more than I could ever want the unfaithful partners of Control and Fear.
An ever faithful Love, holds my fighting heart. He calls me forward to the place I fear. 
So I will let go of this flimsy branch which is a mirage of safety
and trust
Trust is where I get caught. Trust is the place my companion of fear screams "DANGER" in my ear.
But trust is this: an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone.
The character, the ability, the strength and the truth.
"Do you trust me?" The Spirit dances words across my heart.
"Leah, Do you trust me?"
Do I trust Him? Do I believe in his character, his strength, the truth of His words?

What if..

But I know God and "What if.." doesn't seem so important anymore. What if seems meaningless in the Light of who I know my God to be. What if fades away because I know his character.
I believe He is strong enough to defeat the enemies of Fear and Control. I believe He is faithful, loving and trustworthy.
This I believe
I let go.
Momentarily falling, in the clutches of gravity, a force that will drag me down.
"Look up." I'll keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He will catch me.
And even if he doesn't,
The future holds no more fear. Because the present is ever before me.
I have a faithful Love who is not safe, but He is good. I have a faithful Friend who doesn't allow comfort but invites me to adventure. I have a beautiful Jesus whose blood was shed so I could be free. And I have a Father who doesn't force me to step on my own, but walks in front and I will follow. I will walk on his feet. As he dances with me to the music created in the symphony of our love.
I will obey because I love Him. I love Him because I know Him.
"Do you trust Me?"
I do, I trust my Savior.

Known by God

"Leah, trust me." His voice is gentle, as it always has been. His love is steady, as it always has been.
At the beginning of this week I heard God say to me, "Look for expressions of my love to you."
Because in the beginning of this week I didn't know how to describe my feelings, but I was hungry for more of God.
One morning, I took a walk, it was a road that led through the forest, it was so serene, a peacefulness I couldn't quite recreate. But as I was walking, I realized that in my life I had come out of one side of the forest. I had made it through some really hard things, I had wrestled against God to make sense out of hard things, I had fallen deeper into the arms of God. But I had come out and now I was on the road between two forests. I thought, "Jesus, I don't want to go into another forest, it's hard and I don't know what's in there."
He said, "Well, you could walk down the road, you would still see some secrets of the forest.. Or, you could go inside of the forest. Yes, it will be frightening, but it will be adventurous and fun."
As I stood in the middle of that road, weighing the two options in my hand, I decided to go into the forest.  Because I knew there was still so much for me, Jesus had so much for my heart. And I wanted it.
He showed his love to me by speaking to me through nature, one of my favorite things.
This week I was in awe of my relationship with Jesus, it's a daddy/daughter relationship, a lover/beloved relationship and a best friend relationship. He meets all my greatest needs and I can come to him and say, "You are all I need, you are my one true desire."
I won't say all the things Jesus spoke over my life this week, but I will say that he gave me the gift of love. In so many ways, so many beautiful ways that are too lovely to put into words.
I just want to encourage you to find stories of your own. Pursue Jesus deeply, run after him, fall in love with him. Jesus wants a personal relationship with you. You can't have a personal relationship without two way communication. You can't just word vomit on Jesus and call it a relationship, you must let him speak to you, you have to let him love you! He wants to go deep, He wants to give you love.
In so many different places in the Bible God says, "I know you." Galatians 4:9 says, "Now that you know God--or rather are known by God..." The word for know in these passages is to know in an intimate, personal way." It is the same word that was used when Even became pregnant with Adam's child. "Adam knew even and she concieved." This is the word God uses to say he wants to know us with! This is crazy! God wants to know us! He doesn't need us, he wants us!
His love is surprising, so overwhelming, that I cannot describe it.
I want you to experience it for yourselves!
So those of you who have never experienced this incredible love, who have never quite recognized his voice, take the time today to be still before him. Ask him for a revelation of himself to you, he will give it to you.

Carry Your Candle

This week we talked about calling. And it becomes a little overwhelming when you have absolutely no idea what your going to do with your life and your just kind of along for the ride. But promise after promise poured down from heaven this week. Telling me in tiny ways that my Father, my best friend, the God of this entire universe has a specific, intricate plan for my life.
He gave me a promise with Psalm 40:5, it says

Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

Even though I cannot see it, even though I am blind to the daunting details of the future, my God hands me a candle. He ignites the flame in my heart, and it grows. He fashions my heart as my faith in Him grows so much bigger. Then he takes my candle and shines the light in the dark little room of the presence with the future screaming at me from the dark corners. 
He takes the Light of his Hope and shines it in the corner. He gently says to me, "See, there aren't any monsters," reassuring the deepest parts of my heart from my greatest fears.
He hands the candle back to me and tells me that it will be my job to bring the hope to the scary dark world. It will be a part of my future to take my hope, my light, my joy and testimony to the world. 
And suddenly I have been imparted with a huge task. The darkness tells me to stay away and live captivated in fear. But my Savior reminds me of the candle in my hands, of the hope and peace and joy it contains. 
Yet even greater is the adventure calling whispering secrets of excitement and joy. It tells me of moments that will take my breath away. Moments where I see freedom release the hearts that are bound in chains, moments when children's cries will be stopped in my arms, moments when a woman cries in my lap and meets my precious Jesus face to face. These moments remind me how worth it this adventure will be. 
Never do I want to go back to the daily mundane of a 9-5 because my heart has been captured in the sweetest of chains and I have never felt so free. 
With the Holy Spirit in my heart whispering promises to the depths of my soul, the candle I hold that grows with my excitement and faith, and my feet ready to run, I will go. 

Sometimes I feel stuck, especially in waiting for another mission trip just around the corner. But I remember there is learning in the waiting. I remember in these moments that I am furthering my capacity to love with the intimacy I experience with Jesus and I am developing my skills to teach the things that have been imparted to me.
I remember the moments of planning for trips to Cherokee and India. I remember being in awe of the worthiness of it as I sat crosslegged with a little boy in Cherokee and he asked Jesus into his heart. Or I got to say, "Jesus loves you." to a little girl in India. Or I hold a girl at camp as she cries into my arms. I remember how worth it it is.

It's in those moments where words cannot express my love for Jesus. I stand in awe as he pours his love back on my heart. How beautiful. How beautiful it will be.

Though my heart is bound in the sweetest of chains, I am free to be me.
Though my heart cannot wait to go, I am free to "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Though the details of the future seem to be monsters hiding in the corner and my calling is not completely clear. I know that I am called to live a life of purity, faith and love radically following my God. And for now, that looks like seeing each step as he reveals it to me moment by moment.

 Today at church the sermon was about Jesus raising Lazurus to life. Not only did he bring him to life again, he commanded him to take off the grave clothes. He said "Life is more than just oxygen, it's about freedom. He came to bring us life and life abundantly!" I have come to this place where I can say, "Jesus, you are the only thing I need." It is the most freeing of places and I have life abundantly.
So I will carry my candle and light up the darkest places with hope, joy, testimony and life.

Hope Will Lead Us On

HOPE: to cherish a desire with anticipation; to expect with confidence

TRUST: a belief that someone is good, honest, reliable.

 Earlier this week I came to a realization that if things seem hopeless and a situation is desolate, I take my heart out of the situation and accept the fact that things won't ever change.
I said, "God, how can I hope for this?"
His words came immediately, "Leah, have you seen me be faithful before?"
And I have. I've seen His faithfulness in so many ways. In my broken heart as He healed it in his timing. With so many children in India, Cherokee and at Yolijwa. I've seen his faithfulness come through again and again.
Why was this so hard?
Because Love hurts. And if I choose love in this situation, it will hurt. But it will be worth it because Hope does not disappoint. This truth is whispered to me in Romans 5:5.
It says this
"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

It is hope that allows God's love to be poured even deeper into my heart. It is His Love that keeps me thriving.
I will choose to hope. I will allow it to permeate every circumstance I pray fervently for. I will allow it to be the window to the light that shines show brightly just outside the window. I will remember God's faithfulness to me and I will Hope for the future.

Little Wonders

1 Peter 1:9 "though you so not see him, you love him. Though you do not see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory."

I have not seen Him, but I have come to know Him. It's real and tangible. Although my fingertips cannot touch his face, I can feel him there. Though my eyes have not looked into His, I have seen Him in every sunrise, butterfly and rainbow. I have heard him in every gentle breeze across my soul.
I know him.
The promises he writes on my soul, the way he made me fearfully and wonderfully.
I know him.
I feel him in the soft brush of the breeze. He is the devastating winds to my complacent heart. He is the constant lap of water on my feet, and the waves that destroy my shore.
I know him.
I have tasted and I have seen the goodness of the Lord. Have you felt him the way I have?
I want everyone to experience this love. This deep, intimate place where he speaks life over the death in my heart, where he rises up the ashes of the hopeless winter. It is s beautiful thing to feel emotions with such depth. One of the greatest things of feeling everything so deeply is that I get this relationship. This love that is inexplicable. But feeling things so deeply involves taking others pain as my own. I can feel, I can relate. I can make the hurt mine. So often it weighs me down and crushes my spirit. But promises have been spoken over me this week. It is not my burden to carry, I am here to feel, hold people above the waves and point them to the Lighthouse. My role in feeling so deeply is intercession, love and understanding in the pain. My place is never to be their Savior, never to change their circumstances, but to be a prayer warrior, a lover and a friend. Because I have a God who loves them so much more deeply than me. And that places me in awe. Because not only is he the God of every single person that walks this earth. He is the God of little wonders. Who paints me pictures of his love. Who takes me out into places that seem to have never been discovered before, and he created them just for me to be in awe of his glory and fall in love with him once again. Because I've fallen so deep, I am drowning in an ocean  of love, mercy and grace. It compels me to want to share it with the whole world.

Sing Your Song

"Leah, be a bird. Be free, sing your song." 
These are the words I feel deep within my heart as I spent time with Jesus early this morning. The birds are free, nothing restrains them. They fly to and from. They sing their songs loud. And on this early spring morning their songs became evident to me. One was excited, another was peaceful. One had an angry cry. And they all sang their song. Honestly and freely.
And after a week of learning about my personality, I can't help but make the connection of the freedom I am called to.
Some birds sit on a tree branch for hours. Some fly far and long.
They are all so different. But they all sing their song. They all be who they are created to be. They never conform to one another. They are just themselves.
Why is it so hard to be free? Why do we think it will benefit us to keep the invisible shackles around our wrists that bind us to be someone we are not? Why is freedom so frightening? I'm not sure yet. But I want to live free.
Bondage creeps up so quickly. He hides in the corner of my room. I let him in too often.
India I discovered the life in freedom. I want to keep that with everything in me.
Jesus makes me come alive. So I'll pursue him. I'll be the bird that he has called me to be.
His grace is so evident to me when I choose to walk in stubbornness. His grace is so evident to me when I tell him that I can maintain it all on my own. I don't need anyone.
But, oh How I need Him.
And it's here that I can feel the extravagance of his love, the depth of his grace and the joy in His freedom. Yet I don't want to stay here. I want to find how deep, how long, how far and how great his love is. I want to drown deeper in the ocean of who He is and I want to be so much freer as every weight and chain falls off and I press on toward the goal of the prize of which He has called me heavenward.

For Your Glory

Sometimes I find myself in that place where I cannot put words to the emotions, where I cannot explain the feelings stirring deep within me. This time it was overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but it's like I'm drowning in an ocean of You. The qualities of who you are weigh on the things I cannot understand, your incredible beauty.

 Oh, how lovely you are.

 Your wrath against my very nature.

 Oh, how holy you are. 

You built the tabernacle to find a place near to me, you built it as a bridge to let imperfection meet the Holy of Holies. 

And because of your great love, now the Holy of Holies resides in my heart. Just think about that! The holiest thing, so bright you cannot see without dying, lives within you! 

 Oh, how phenomenal you are. 

And I'm on my knees again, arms raised high whispering a thanksgiving to my Creator, my Redeemer and my Lover that will never suffice. It's in this place that the pain and the hurt whisper at my heart, persuading me that God has failed me, that I say, "Jesus, I just want to see your face. Please." But it's in that moment when He is so close that I can feel his arms wrapped around me and he is so close I can almost touch him that I can say, "It will be worth it. This will be worth it. I have to believe that." It is in that place that I remember the look on my mom's face when she saw Jesus, when she looked into his eyes and left this earth behind. It's in that place where I remember the man in India see Jesus for the first time, that he denounced all the other gods. They saw Jesus, the met him face to face in that moment, they saw his worth and were willing to give up everything. I have to hold onto that when things get hard and I cannot press forward on my own strength. He whispers these precious promises to me, "Beloved, Be free, Be mine." 

These are all promises I must choose to walk in. I must choose to be loved so I can in turn give it away. Jesus unlocked the chains on my wrists but I must remove the shackles. I must choose to rest solely in his love. This God is not a god who just calls me to serve Him. He served me first, He loved me first. He is God. So worthy of my adoration. So incredibly overwhelming, I'm drowning in all of his attributes and characteristics. I'm amazed at His grace and His love. I'm still breathing, yet I have seen His holiness. Moses had to turn his face, Isaiah had to taste a burning coal, I have Him living within me.

The Holy of Holies lives inside of me!

I'm passionate about Him because He is passionate about Him. Anyone else, it would be pride. But he is God and he longs for his worship. He died for it! 

This is for your glory. This life is offered up to you, for your glory.