The Unspoken of Love Is

I forgot.
I got so distracted. So tangled up in one small characteristic that I couldn't get my heart around.

I missed it. I missed the message. Because after years of reading, "Love is patient, Love is kind..." I decided that patience was the one that needed the most work. Suddenly, without my realization, love is patient was all there was to love.

I encountered LOVE himself, I experienced the depths of his patience, his goodness, his kindness. And yet it was still a slap to my face when I moved onto the second characteristic of Love.

Love is Patient. Check.
Love is kind.

Love

is

kind.

I could hear his voice. And it was gentle, but oh, how I feel the sword of truth slicing the marrow of my soul.

I was patient, but was I kind in my love?

I did not envy, but did I boast?

I was not arrogant, but was I rude?

How often do I insist on my own way and if I do not get it am irritable in return?

I do not rejoice at wrong, but do I delight in truth?

Love is beyond patience.
Love is all of these characteristics that I cannot embody in my own strength.
Love is Someone. Love is the one, knocking, waiting, outside the door to our souls.
And when is that that we will quit trying so hard to be something that we are not.

When is it that we will fall, quickly, wholly, completely, into his bountiful grace?

This is why just a few short chapters later it does not say, "Grab a hold of love." It does not say, "Become love." As if it were a small, quick act. Instead, chapter 14 begins, "Pursue love."

Pursue. Dioko. 1. to make to run or flee. 2. to run swiftly in order to catch a person or thing--to pursue (in a hostile manner.)

I am not a biblical scholar. But this word is translated 28 times as persecute. It seems odd, but maybe  the intention is that those reading this text would see the absolute haste demanded, the intense necessity of pursuing love, not only the characteristic but ultimately the person, Jesus Christ. 

This LOVE is steadfastly patient. It is unwaveringly kind. It does not lust after other things, it's only boast is in Christ. It is not self-conceited, and it is not rude. It is self-sacrificial, and it delights in Truth. Love is Christ. And he bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. This Love, This Savior, he never ends.

I am falling, finally, into his bountiful grace. Love will not come from some place deep inside of me, from things I enjoy and things I desire. Instead, this LOVE will come from living a life side by side with the greatest love of them all. It will not be about my own strength, or grabbing hold of love, instead, it will be pursuing love, swiftly and purposefully.

meditations on first corinthians

Precious stones. The splendor of the riches of Gold, the softness of silver glinting in the sun. Ocean blue sapphire, Forest green emeralds, Fairytale amethyst. Ruby, diamond, opal.  These precious metals that fire will test, will not be burned. Built upon the steadfast and sure foundation of Jesus Christ, we are being made into the Temple of God. Do we not know that The Spirit of holiness and purity and love dwells within us? The temple of God must be holy. He is creating us into his holy temple. 

The Holy Spirit dwells within me. YAHWEH, the God of the Old Testament, the God of splendor and beauty and love and kindness. The God who parted waters, conquered Kingdoms, called a people to himself; that God has made me his temple. He saw me. My foundation was unsteady, I was created by the sand, ready to give into anything that came my way. I was built with wood and hay and straw, as soon as the fire hit, I would be nothing. Gone. Hopeless. The fire had already begun. My heart, quickly disintegrating. 

What did He say, though? The HOLY YAHWEH looked at a fallen, broken, people and worked wonders. The God whose foolishness is wiser than man and weakness is stronger. This God gave us a truth that all would marvel at, like a child watching in awe as a small toy is wound up to play its game. But to the world, to those lost, to those who we were once like, it is folly. It is absurd. 

We demand signs. Show us what we have already seen, we cry. We seek sense and logic. We search books and science, attempting to come up with reasons as to how God could possibly be real. How could this make sense? A perfect god-man? Walking earth? Sacrificed for a people who might never care? But to those who are called, it is the POWER and the WISDOM of God. 

The mystery of the Gospel is deeper than I can explain. Wider than I know. But it is the truth by which I live my life. The words that have changed everything. I devour my Bible like it's where I get my breath and life. Paul tells me to imitate him as he imitates Christ. Do you know what that asks of me and you?

We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become and are sill, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.

We are like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. How can we impart the wisdom and power of God if we are the scum of the world? The beauty is that I am only the messenger and it is he who softens hearts and changes lives. The most amazing part is that I was nothing. My worth equated to how quickly it was to burn a house built with hay on the sand. But how good God is to move my foundation, change my heart, build me up with precious metals and stones. 

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

nor the heart of man imagined, 

what God has prepared for those who love him--

THESE THINGS God has revealed to us through the Spirit. 

Does it blow you away? Are you in awe? Like when you try and jump a wave but get tossed around by the immensity of the ocean and it takes your breath away? You didn't see it coming but here you are recovering from the beauty of this truth. Once, my life was unknown. Now, I can know God's plan for my life, but more miraculously, I can know God!  

Oh, how beautiful the wisdom of God to map out my life.

Oh, how wonderful the power of God to change a sinful heart like mine. 

Hallelujah, for the Kingdom of God, does not come in talk, but in power. 

Hallelujah, that I have been chosen to be a daughter of this Kingdom.

Paul ends Corinthians with the simplistic truth that has changed humanity. I am reminded of the Gospel. If it were not true that the Gospel was the POWER of God and the WISDOM of God, then we would be the most pitied of them all. If Christ had not been raised, how futile my life would be. BUT PRAISE BE TO OUR GOD, because indeed Christ has been raised from the dead, he is sitting at the right hand of the father interceding for me, and that is the truth, that is the Gospel by which I stand.

So come, Lord Jesus, build us up to be your precious Kingdom. You are our steadfast foundation, build us up with the most precious of stones. Let us build one another up with the most precious of truths. Let us LOVE deeply, let us use our gifts to the greatest capacity. Let us seek the encouragement of others, let us bring glory to God, let us flee idolatry and most importantly let us bring glory to God in everything we do. 

**All meditations and Scripture quotes are from 1 Corinthians
This is intended to get you to read the book for yourself! 

a testimony of hope

It was 5 years ago.

5 years ago when I first learned that words can shatter your world.

5 years ago when I discovered how fragile mortality is.

5 years ago when God changed my life.

I was on my first mission trip. Longing to love my surroundings. Wishing it didn't have to be about me. But a call from home that your mother's health has taken a turn for the worse will keep you chained in two locations. Satan tried to make ruin missions for me that week. Instead, God took a terrible situation and he gave me hope. The children screamed hope in my face with the VBS theme song. The woman we served gently spoke hope to my heart as she shared her stories and her love for the LORD.

It was 4 years ago.

4 years ago when I experienced the first summer without a mother.

4 years ago when I returned to Cherokee.

4 years ago when I fell in love with missions.

I was on my second mission trip. Same place, same people, different heart. I was praying, longing for a child who could resonate with my testimony. And God gave me one. His name was Alijah and for the first time, my broken heart was able to minister to another. For the first time, my sadness had purpose. For the first time, I saw God's love penetrate another broken heart. I was hooked. I wanted more.

It was 3 years ago.

3 years ago when I graduated from high school.

3 years ago when the world was at my fingertips.

3 years ago when I made decisions that would plan the rest of my life.

I was on my third mission trip. Same place, same people, same heart. God was confirming, this was my passion. God was speaking, this was his plan, his beautiful purpose. This was wisdom in the dark. I had so much love for these people. I wanted to pour the hope that God had given me into these hearts. I was a little scared. Could I really do this for the rest of my life?

It was 2 years ago.

2 years ago when I was in Nicaragua.

2 years ago when my heart was healed.

2 years ago when joy radiated from my face.

I was on my fifth mission trip. New place, New people, Changed heart. I was where I was passionate. I was sharing the Gospel freely. I was loving children who didn't speak my language. I was laughing with friends. I was joyful in ways I had never been. For the first time I believed without a shadow of doubt this hope I was giving to hearts. My God is good. My God is faithful. My God is beautiful.

It was 1 year ago.

1 year ago when I was unsteady.

1 year ago when I was on the brink of new decisions.

1 year ago when God gained my complete trust.

I was on my first summer in 4 years where I wasn't on a mission trip. I was a little uneasy and a little unsteady. God was taking me into the unknown for the first time. I was going to be a student, I was going to invest in passions I wasn't sure could be developed. I was trusting God FOR EVERYTHING.

It is today.

Today I am amazed.

Today I am in awe.

Today I have open hands.

Today I'm not on a mission trip. But I am on a mission field. I have been wrestling with this small verse in the middle of 1 Corinthians that can change it all. Paul is talking to the Corinthians about their idolatry and their legalism. They were so bound by the rules or on the opposite side of the spectrum and no caring about rules at all. There was disunity. And in the midst of a passage where Paul surrenders his rights to not following certain rules, that he says this, 

"In the same way, the Lord commanded that those who proclaim the Gospel should get their living by the Gospel."

The word living is Zao in Greek. A form of the Greek word Zoe. This is what Jesus talks about when he gives abundant life. Not the life of your mortality, but the life of you living life to the fullest.

Those who proclaim the Gospel should get their abundant living from the Gospel.

Today I get my Zao from the Gospel. It is hard to be the only source of light in a dark workplace. It is hard to write papers and take tests and study. It is hard to be so busy. But my source of consolation through it all is that CHRIST is my center. GOD holds it all. THE LORD directs my path. JESUS saved my soul. the SPIRIT dwells within me. HE is my good news. He is my Gospel. And this is what I will proclaim during school, during work, during my day to day.

Next year I don't know where I'll be.

10 years from now, I can't even dream of what my future will be.

50 years from now, I pray that I look back in AWE, in HOPE, and in utter gratitude.

50 years from now, I hope I look back and say, "I proclaimed the Gospel and because of that, I got my abundant life from the Gospel."

a different kind of kingdom: part one

"I'm going to need you to put a flat lid on this," said the lady to whom I just handed her iced coffee.

"I put the dome lid on because there is a little bit of extra ice in there and I didn't want to make a mess out of your drink." I explained.

"I don't care. No one else makes my drink like this. Put a flat lid on! Are you new here?" Her insults spewed from her lips faster than I could have even corrected the mistake.

Taking her drink back, I removed the dome lid and put a flat lid on. Just as I expected the drink overflowed, down the sides of the cup and onto the top of the lid. I proceeded to wipe off the sides of the drink and handed it back to her.

Obviously getting more upset, "This drink is a MESS!"

"Yes, that is why I put the dome lid on it."

The next few minutes proceeded on like this. Her being over-dramatic about a meaningless situation and me being a little bit more snarky than I should have been. As my co-worker remade her drink, conviction settled. I was unkind and I knew it. The Holy Spirit began to probe my heart.

As my co-worker handed her the new drink, I approached the woman and apologized for my attitude and my mistake. She looked up at me with unkind eyes and said, "You aren't sorry! You were incredibly rude!"

~~~~

First, we'll get the obvious out of the way. How quickly that could have been avoided if people did not live as if they were entitled to their way all the time and always being right.

But the more important idea I want to talk about is this:

After the ordeal and as I baffled at my ability to get upset so quickly, God spoke so clearly to my heart, reminding me of the words I had read earlier in Ephesians. "Be kind to everyone, Leah."

"But God! I don't want to be kind, she was so unkind to me!"

"Be kind to everyone."

That was all. It was as easy as that. How was it fair that she could be so unkind to me and I am called to turn the other cheek? How is it fair that she can walk all over me and God tells me to love her anyway?

It's because I am called to a different Kingdom, a different life, i have been made new. 

I have been studying the book of Ephesians and it is radically all about the Gospel. Ephesians 1 describes who God is and what He has done and the praise that He deserves because of His glory. It is that who HE is has made me who I am. Ephesians 2 reminds us what we were. And you were dead in your trespasses. Once during youth group in high school, my youth pastor was preaching and all of us were in a circle and he told us to imagine a dead person was in the middle of that circle. That person was dead. They were lifeless, without breath, without hope, without choice. That image sticks with me when I remember who I was. I was a child of wrath, I was devoted to destruction.
In the transitional pivot in Ephesians it says
BUT GOD...
because of his great love he adopted us into a new Kingdom, a new household.
In Ephesians 3, he tells us that this Gospel is for everyone. Everyone is invited to be a member of God's household. He prays then, that we being rooted and grounded in love would have the strength to comprehend this incredible truth.
Ephesians 4 brings the commands, the guidebook by which we live. Therefore... be humble... gentle..speak truth...no longer walk as Gentiles...put off your old self...be renewed...in true righteousness and holiness... put away falsehood..do not sin...no corrupting talk...do not grieve the holy spirit... be kind to one another... forgiving one another...

If i read that list, the list of commands, requests and sins, fully by itself. I would become irritated and frustrated. No, I don't want to be kind to the customer that tells me I'm dumb, or my boss that has the incredible ability to make others feel like they are nothing. No I don't want to gentle and humble to my sister that claws for my attention. I don't want to forgive those people. On my own.

But when I read those commands within the context of God telling me who He is, reminding me of how worthy HE is and how HE deserves nothing less than my entire heart. When I remember what HE saved me from, how HE put breath in my dry bones and adopted me from a child of wrath to a child of HIS. When I am reminded that HE gave this gift to everyone, including the unkind customers, my prideful boss and my annoying sister, I can turn the other cheek in LOVE. Because it is then that I turn my eyes from the situation and see HIM. When I read those commands in that context, my heart is free to follow them. I will be humble because Christ was humble, I will speak truth because that is all that is given to me. I will walk in the newness of LIFE because that is what God has given me. I will be kind and forgive because that is who HE has called me too.

No, those commands don't always seem fair. But I am now a stranger to this world. I live in a different kingdom and a different household. I serve a beautiful, wonderful, indescribable God and when He says, "Leah, be kind." I will turn the other cheek and I will be kind with his grace, his love, his heart.

"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit."
Ephesians 2:19-22

Beauty of Struggle

There it was. The beauty of vulnerability in the struggle. The stunning light of community shining through as we saw her tears. The moment was so vivid, so real, it captured my soul.
It began with a simple question, "How are you doing?" But in the midst of this genuine question, our friend felt the safety of being real. The honesty that community brings. And it was that moment that made me understand everything that God has been teaching me.

About two months ago now, one of my friends told me about her struggle. A deeply lonely year, financial struggles, and a discontentment that we can all understand. She said, "Leah, why do bad things happen to good people?" In a joking matter, she laughed and said she was going to cry herself to sleep. The words quickly formed on the tip of my tongue and I almost said these dangerous words that would have ruined everything. "It's going to be okay, God will provide for you."

These are both unbelievably true statements. But the timing of these phrases was wrong. If those words would have flown from my flippant tongue, I'm sure the depth and the realness of the moment would have been shattered. It would have been like glass falling in a quiet room. An awkwardness would have settled.

Instead, I said something different. I affirmed her pain and her struggle. I think in doing so, I was invited into a journey I would have missed if I had covered her pain with a Christian bandaid.

This was the beginning of a journey for me. On the flipside, I felt like my life was going well. I am loving school, I have a good job with wonderful co-workers. My car is running efficiently. My life is beautiful. I am in a completely different place than I was last year at this time. Last year, I was still unsure of where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and I experienced a loneliness that shook me to my core. But my relationship with Jesus was thriving. I struggled with him and wrestled with him and I relied on him for everything. Somewhere in the transition from struggle to thriving, my relationship with God went from thriving to struggle.

Why is it that prosperity pushes us far from God? Prosperity screams a Gospel that is not accurate. It tells us that struggle is wrong, it whispers to the depth of our souls that we have to hold it all together. And even when it is going well, nothing can be wrong, nothing can be off. A facade is built. It says, "I'm fine. Jesus and I are great. My life is perfect."

Under that facade, though, I think is a struggle that is even more real. It is a struggle against pride and a struggle that tells me I don't need Jesus. It quenches the deepest of my thirsts with superficial, temporary fixes and I still come up searching for Living Water.

In the beauty of struggle, I see Jesus. Last year, even though my prayers consistently contained cries and fears, I met Jesus in ways I never have before. He was here with me within the deep struggle. I saw Jesus even when I wanted to let go. I see Jesus in my friend who is serving as a missionary struggling to learn the language, but thriving. I see Jesus in my friend who cannot understand why bad things are happening to her, but she is holding on to him. I see Jesus in my friend who lets tears fall down her face and tells me that it's been hard and she is trying to trust God but the world is telling her so many different messages, but in her vulnerability, I see Christ shining through.

The struggle is hard. The struggle stretches us beyond what we feel we are capable of enduring. The struggle often makes us want to let go of everything we live for because it is challenging. The struggle pushes us to Jesus. In our struggle, we realize that there is nothing else that we can hold onto. So I'll be honest, I'm struggling to hold onto Jesus in this season of prosperity, but as I look to him and see he is the greatest good, the purest love, the most wonderful companion, my doubts fade and my thirst for Him grows. And I know that in this struggle, I will meet him because he promises that when you seek him, you will find him.  

the garments of righteousness.

We stepped into the room and immediately felt out of place. In this tiny Church on a small island on the coast of Nicaragua, in this room full of 100 people, all of them were wearing white. Every single person in the pew was dressed in white from head to toe. Except for us. We were wearing t-shirts that probably resembled the rainbow. Suddenly, we did not belong. Suddenly we were unworthy.

I imagine this might be what it feels like entering heaven and realizing that in all your righteous deeds, you were never washed clean. In all your servings and musings you never let God wash you white as snow.

How tragic that in this season of Easter we still try to cover ourselves up with righteous deeds? We go to church, we say the prayers, we sing the songs. But where are our hearts?

I don't know about you, but it is impossibly difficult for me to to just let Jesus' blood wash me clean. There are two sides of the spectrum for me. On one side, I work really hard. I do all the right things and I say all the right words. But my heart is a mask and I hide what is truly inside. But in my efforts to cover up my sin, I devise my own white garments, and in their off-set white, hope that no one else will notice.

On the other side, I run. I avoid Jesus. Because I know I'm not worthy and I know I will not measure up. I am afraid He will look at me and declare the words, "Guilty." He will look and see my off-set white garment and know he didn't give it to me. Maybe, though, he will tell me I am not worth a garment of his. What if He says, "You do not belong."

It is true, ALL of my deeds are filthy rags. ALL of my works, good and bad, do not measure up. We will NEVER be righteous in his eyes by our own. Isaiah says it best. "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away."

A polluted garment. An unclean rag. Something that would have been used to birth a child, or clean the dead. Not just our sins are compared to this, but our righteous deeds. The things we bring to Jesus and say, "Look! Look at what I have done for you! Look at what I have done to advance your kingdom! Look how many times I did my quiet time this week Jesus. Look, do you see how righteous I am?"

Our righteous deeds are worthy of destruction. Our righteous deeds are stained by our sin and our pride. Our righteous deeds are unclean. 

We feel defeated then. In our society that tells us to do everything we can to measure up, we fall short. We fail. We are hopeless. We are the ones in that room that think we have done enough, but everyone else is wearing white like snow, and we are wearing our own version of righteousness and it smacks us in the face declaring, we are unworthy.

Romans 3:24-26
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. 

It takes us back to the cross. It takes us to the feet of Jesus. The only one who was unworthy to face the death that he faced for us. The Only one who is worthy to step into Yahweh's presence. He is the ONLY one. But out of his great love for us, he took the cross. He was beaten unrecognizable. Mocked to humiliation. His garments ripped from his body, only to show us perfect righteousness. He is the only one that ever felt what it truly means to be abandoned. Even then, He did it in love for you.

God's words in Isaiah read, "come now, let us reason together though your sins are like scarlet, they will be white as snow."

Take your off-set white rags off and let Jesus adorn you in garments white as snow. Let his blood wash away all your sins this Easter season. Don't let his death be in vain. Stop trying to make yourself worthy, when it is Jesus that makes you worthy.  That tiny Church in Nicaragua gave me a forever picture of what it means to stand before Jesus realizing that my deeds are not enough. But his are, and he covers me.

Rest in this fact alone today that because of his death 2000 years ago, you can live, you are clean. You are white as snow.

When I Said I Would Follow You...

Rumors had been spreading quickly around the land. John the Baptist had been the talk as of late. He had gone around proclaiming that the Kingdom of God was near! Repent and be baptized! It was strange, Israel hadn't had a prophet in over 500 years. The times had been in upheaval. Years ago Herod had called for all the children and babies to be killed so he could overthrow a King before he even arose. But John had been arrested. There was a new man proclaiming the Kingdom of God. Except the rumors stated that He spoke with more authority and that he was more gentle yet more commanding than anyone they had ever met. It was said that his name was Jesus. 

This was the topic for discussion the evening before their boats were rocked. Simon and Andrew, James and John were fishing on the Sea of Galilee just as they did every evening. It hadn't been a good night. The fish were not biting, it was like they scattered to the bottom of the ocean, just to avoid bringing prosperity to these four men. How grateful they were that they didn't have children of their own to return to empty handed.

They saw a mysterious man by the shore who was lingering near them, glancing at their nets, gazing into their eyes. They knew in that moment it was the man that rumors were being spread about. It was Jesus. He said, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." They didn't even have time to think because the authority in his voice and the gentleness in his eyes summoned them out of complacency and they came. 

How were these four men to know how Jesus would turn not only their boats upside down but their world? Do you think that in that moment they had known the places that Jesus would take them? The truths he would reveal? The hearts he would heal?

Or what about the trial? Do you think they knew that ultimately Jesus would be mocked, arrested and crucified? Or that there was the threat of those same things for them? 

Did they know they would be advocates for the biggest religion in the world? Did they know they would be the first converts of heart change?

There was no way these men could have known. 

Their choice to follow him reflects a decision of a five-year-old when in their simplistic minds they tell Jesus they want to follow him. Maybe their reasonings consist of being saved from Hell or this is what their parents say is best, but they still choose to follow him and the commitment must be strengthened with time. 

I could go on for hours about the many stories in the Gospels of Jesus discipling these men. Giving his heart and his love to these men. They were there for it all. His teachings, his parables, the healings, exorcisms, and love. 

They had heard it all. When he said, "Foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
"I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware or men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles. When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that house."

They knew the cost and still when it came time for Jesus to be delivered over to the courts, their faith faltered and for a moment, they questioned if they had made the right decision all those years ago when they left everything comfortable and sure.

How could they forget? Maybe this sounds all too familiar.

 We know the cost of following Jesus. We prayed that prayer in our childhood that saved us from Hell, and we rededicated our lives at summer camp and retreats when things didn't seem to be going well. 

But there came a point when we had to choose Jesus for real. Maybe it was a point of surrender when you finally gave it all to Jesus and said, "You can have me." Maybe it was a heart heavy with grief and you finally realized that his burden was easy and his yoke was light.  Maybe you were drowning  in sin and you realized he was your only redemption. But you came to a point when you gave Jesus everything. 

But hard things come into our lives. Death, sickness, divorce, heartbreak, financial burdens, cars get destroyed, our bodies wear out. And our initial surrender is tested. Will we follow Jesus even when it is hard? This is completely opposite of the prosperity Gospel where if I give Jesus my life, He will give me a nice house, a great car and lots of money. This is opposite of what we see on Christian movies where if I surrender the things I'm holding onto I'll get what I want: my marriage will be restored, my spouse will ask for forgiveness, my barrenness will be rectified, I will be debt free, and my relationships will be peaceful. This is even opposite of most of our churches that we attend on Sunday wearing our best, acting our best, painting the most convincing act. We come to see a show, filled with the very best actresses and actors and when we go home our lives are vastly different. Don't we know that Church is supposed to be a hospital for the broken? A place to disciple and love each other well?

If you read the Gospels this is exactly the opposite of what Jesus promises to his disciples! He promises hardship and homelessness. He guarantees persecution and being poorly treated. And He still calls them, and us, to proclaim the Kingdom of God! He says, "Yes, this is going to be harder than you could ever imagine. This is going to take you places that you would never go on your own. Your heart will be broken again and again, but behold, I am with you wherever you go." 

When I gave my life to Jesus when I was five and I prayed a simple prayer that invited Jesus into my heart to save me from Hell. 

And I don't know if my heart was ready to give God my everything when I was 12 and I rededicated my life to God because fear wrecked my life and nothing was stable.

But I think it was a start.

When God took me out of the chaos for one year to get to know him better and we took a walk through the neighborhoods behind my house and I counted the cost of following Jesus, I discovered joy. I walked through those streets and joy flooded my heart and I gave my heart fully to Jesus. Not just to live inside, but to transform and wreck and change and heal.
When I said I would follow Jesus to the ends of the earth, to the greatest joys and the deepest hurts, I didn't know He would take me here. 

Following you isn't easy. Often I would much rather follow adventure, my heart, and happiness. How misleading these fleeting pleasures. Because when I said I would follow you, it was for better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish forever.

Following Him has taught me adventure and love. Following Him has been the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever do. But it is also the most rewarding, most wonderful and beautiful thing I could have ever requested. This is not a place I would have ever placed myself. I have glamorized the mission field in my heart because I loved the adventure and I loved the beauty of the cultures. But my temporary adventures on the mission field were also incredibly hard. I wept for children who might never hear the Gospel again despite the words we had spoken. I watched a mother train her daughter to worship a god. The child stretched herself out on the ground, face down, in front of a stone. There was nothing I could do. This mission field was hard. 

The mission field is hard. Every day I go to Starbucks and there is a call on my life to be a witness to my co-workers, to share the great hope that I have. The question is raised as the Lord whispers to my heart, "Who will go for me?" 

When I said I would follow Jesus, I didn't think my mission field would be the backrooms of Starbucks or the campus of a Christian college or teenage girls in my small group at youth group who oftentimes don't seem to care. But when I said I would follow Jesus, I said I would follow HIM. So I will choose to follow him to the places he wants to go. To the hearts of my co-workers, my classmates. I will choose to follow him because He is worth more. 

Like the call of those first disciples, I will follow Jesus because of who He is. Not the hard journey I'm guaranteed to walk, but because of Jesus' beautiful and unshakeable character. When I said I would follow Him, I meant it.