When a Heart Breaks

Her heart broke right in front of me.

I watched it fumble in her hands

and suddenly 

it fell

Silently to the floor.

It transpired in slow motion

there were pieces 

and fragments. 

I slowly looked back up to her face

it crumpled. 

a tear morphed into sobs

until her entire body gave way to 

the painful process of mourning. 

My heart wrenched inside me,

twisting until I felt a piece of her pain.

Her grief transported me 

to a place, I knew all too well.

A sadness I longed to forget,

a brokenness I didn't want to keep. 

I wanted to sweep up her heart

return it to her ribcage, whole

unscathed.

My prayers became fervent.

What do I do?

What can I do?

How can I watch her break?

How can I give her comfort?

The answers came, 

sure and steady.

If I have the Holy Spirt  

living within me

and if he is powerful

and if he speaks to the depths of my soul,

Then I have truth that shines through lies,

the comfort that breaks through pain,

hope that lights up the darkness

a peace that sits beside still waters.

I have yet to understand

all the little memories

that stay with me

and all the words 

that shaped my thinking.

I don't always know why heartache enters our souls,

and our sin-stained world has allowed

brokenness to mar our skin

and weaken our spirits.

But I do know my God 

and HE is good.

I know HIM 

and HE is kind. 

I know that the moment I saw her heart shatter,

I saw his shatter too.

When I wanted nothing more but to 

heal her heart

I know HE did more.
And I cannot understand why her heart had to break in such a way

or why I had to witness her sadness

and return to my own.

But I do know that no matter how unsteady my ground

and how shaky my feet

he is steady

he is sure

he will hold me fast.

he will heal her heart.

I now know that he doesn't tell me this life will be easy, but he does say he will be with me. He doesn't promise to take away the hurt, but he does covenant to hold me up. I trust him with my heart and I pray that every day, new opportunities will arise for me to share my hope, impart truth, prophecy love, give comfort and pray fervently. That moment, the one where I saw a heartbreak, will forever sit with me. Because the Lord has used it to confirm in me his truths, my gifts, and his heart.

when a heart breaks,

so does Jesus'.

When a heart shatters,

we see Jesus. 

adventure; fernweh; saudade (n)

Do you know what I mean when I say it was a perfect vacation?

It was with the very best people. It was as if for one beautiful week our souls had been fused together, our reunion held us tight. 

It was in the most beautiful of places. Surrounded by waterfalls speaking to my heart and beautiful mountains calling our names. 

It was lovely. There was laughter constantly in the air, the fresh aroma of memories being created, and the sweetness of adventure. 

Do you know?

And how good is my God who gifted me this precious time, these sweet hours to be forever etched in my heart. It was the beginning of the summer when he promised my heart excitement. Disappointed for my initial plans of travel fell through,  he planned bigger. He whispered, "Unexpected adventure and unexpected friendship." Straight to my soul, in the part that was the most needing, the most hungry for those things. 

The friendship came in the most expected place that I suspected it the least. And it was gentle, a soul connection, one heart tied to another instantaneously as if we were born to know one another. 

The adventure came from a quick text, a perusal on Kayak Flights, and a stash of saved tips and babysitting money hidden in my drawer. And it was unexpected and freeing and brilliant all at the same time.

I found a flight and it was cheap, a one way ticket to adventure. My friend answered my text, Yes, always down for an adventure. People seemed concerned, telling me I would need to budget more than I planned, did I really think I could afford this? Was this worth my money?

My heart fashioned for adventure seemed to care less about their silly concerns. The summer took forever to get to the day when I stepped on the plane. And then I was there, 30,000 feet in the sky, my heart even higher.

And I wonder, now that it's over, now that I'm deep in the blues of post-adventure depression, I wonder what God was teaching me on that sweet adventure. Day 1 began with some hikes to some beautiful waterfalls. The water was ice, but we had a picnic on a rock and I'll have to say that my lunch view was better than yours. We saw the sundial bridge, and drove the car flipping pennies, heads right, tails left, to tell us our final destination.

 Burney falls was stupendous. Gallons of water pouring all over the sides and into the mountain and out strange locations, the water still crystal clear. But my thirst was quenched at the Hatchet Creek Falls. There is something about floating on a log and underneath a waterfall that filled my soul which overflowed. My head fell back in laughter as Rachel screamed, "I don't want to be on the side that goes under the waterfall." But all I wanted was to keep going as Amos pushed us under the flow of the falls.

Mt. Shasta is stunning. As I looked up admiring it's beauty and wondered if maybe this was the type of mountain Jesus was talking about when he said our faith can move mountains. Because on the sides of it's steep hills, there were gentle streams of melting snow and flourishing wildflowers that had a Psalm 23 feel. The Lord is my shepherd and I have no want. He leads me beside these still waters and makes me lie down in green pastures.
 

The Redwoods were beyond comparison. Around every curve in the trail, audible "Wows" were whispered out of my mouth, immediately followed by the clunk of my water bottle as I scurried into a tree or ran to try and wrap my arms around it. We walked for hours and it still didn't get old. We walked until exhaustion demanded we find the car and our giggles were a sure sign we were entering the stage of the sleepy laughter.

Driving way too fast down back curvy roads late at night with Adele serenading us on max volume and laughing until you can't breathe because of the differences between pigs and flamingos. Some people call it reckless, but I call it living. These are the moments I live for, these are the memories I'll treasure. It is these moments I'll try to explain to you, but they are my memories and mean more to me then you'll ever know.

California was the adventure of a lifetime. It was worth every penny I spent. I think travel does something to me. It's a virus in my blood, but it has done nothing to harm me, instead it has strengthened me, taught me and grown me in incredible ways. God's voice is so much louder when I'm in new places and my heart feels alive as I stand small next to ancient trees and in awe in front of magnificent mountains. I see his Father heart when my friends speak encouragement into my life and God speaks through them to show me how to live my life more for him. The travel bug is in my heart and I can't get it out. So if every adventure begins with such a high and ends with a deep longing to return but fulfills me like this one, then keep taking me.

Travel changes my perspective. It is unexpected and vibrant and brilliant and I think it is so much like the God I serve. Oh how intimately he knows my heart. Inside and out. How wonderful that he treasures me so well that he provides these adventures.  He knows each intimate part of me. He knows I need road trips and laughter. He knows that he created my heart without borders. And he knows I need planes and cars, waterfalls and mountains. Heat and cold. He knows I need change or my heart becomes restless, I drown in these ritualistic days.

California was a gift. Sometimes God needs not say anything to me. Instead, he wraps these elegant gifts. They are packaged in priceless friends and breathtaking memories. California was God's reminder to me of how he truly loves me, he intimately knows me and he treasures me.

So I guess I wrote this to help me cope with the wanting to return, but I also wrote it for you. I want you to experience life to the fullest the way I do, I want you to jump off of waterfalls, buy plane tickets spontaneously, hike mountains and touch the coast on the other side of the world. I know a God and he is good all the time, and he is constant and faithful but he is unexpected and surprising. And with all my heart, I want you to know him too because he embarks on the most exciting of adventures with us. Life.

The Unspoken of Love Is

I forgot.
I got so distracted. So tangled up in one small characteristic that I couldn't get my heart around.

I missed it. I missed the message. Because after years of reading, "Love is patient, Love is kind..." I decided that patience was the one that needed the most work. Suddenly, without my realization, love is patient was all there was to love.

I encountered LOVE himself, I experienced the depths of his patience, his goodness, his kindness. And yet it was still a slap to my face when I moved onto the second characteristic of Love.

Love is Patient. Check.
Love is kind.

Love

is

kind.

I could hear his voice. And it was gentle, but oh, how I feel the sword of truth slicing the marrow of my soul.

I was patient, but was I kind in my love?

I did not envy, but did I boast?

I was not arrogant, but was I rude?

How often do I insist on my own way and if I do not get it am irritable in return?

I do not rejoice at wrong, but do I delight in truth?

Love is beyond patience.
Love is all of these characteristics that I cannot embody in my own strength.
Love is Someone. Love is the one, knocking, waiting, outside the door to our souls.
And when is that that we will quit trying so hard to be something that we are not.

When is it that we will fall, quickly, wholly, completely, into his bountiful grace?

This is why just a few short chapters later it does not say, "Grab a hold of love." It does not say, "Become love." As if it were a small, quick act. Instead, chapter 14 begins, "Pursue love."

Pursue. Dioko. 1. to make to run or flee. 2. to run swiftly in order to catch a person or thing--to pursue (in a hostile manner.)

I am not a biblical scholar. But this word is translated 28 times as persecute. It seems odd, but maybe  the intention is that those reading this text would see the absolute haste demanded, the intense necessity of pursuing love, not only the characteristic but ultimately the person, Jesus Christ. 

This LOVE is steadfastly patient. It is unwaveringly kind. It does not lust after other things, it's only boast is in Christ. It is not self-conceited, and it is not rude. It is self-sacrificial, and it delights in Truth. Love is Christ. And he bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. This Love, This Savior, he never ends.

I am falling, finally, into his bountiful grace. Love will not come from some place deep inside of me, from things I enjoy and things I desire. Instead, this LOVE will come from living a life side by side with the greatest love of them all. It will not be about my own strength, or grabbing hold of love, instead, it will be pursuing love, swiftly and purposefully.

meditations on first corinthians

Precious stones. The splendor of the riches of Gold, the softness of silver glinting in the sun. Ocean blue sapphire, Forest green emeralds, Fairytale amethyst. Ruby, diamond, opal.  These precious metals that fire will test, will not be burned. Built upon the steadfast and sure foundation of Jesus Christ, we are being made into the Temple of God. Do we not know that The Spirit of holiness and purity and love dwells within us? The temple of God must be holy. He is creating us into his holy temple. 

The Holy Spirit dwells within me. YAHWEH, the God of the Old Testament, the God of splendor and beauty and love and kindness. The God who parted waters, conquered Kingdoms, called a people to himself; that God has made me his temple. He saw me. My foundation was unsteady, I was created by the sand, ready to give into anything that came my way. I was built with wood and hay and straw, as soon as the fire hit, I would be nothing. Gone. Hopeless. The fire had already begun. My heart, quickly disintegrating. 

What did He say, though? The HOLY YAHWEH looked at a fallen, broken, people and worked wonders. The God whose foolishness is wiser than man and weakness is stronger. This God gave us a truth that all would marvel at, like a child watching in awe as a small toy is wound up to play its game. But to the world, to those lost, to those who we were once like, it is folly. It is absurd. 

We demand signs. Show us what we have already seen, we cry. We seek sense and logic. We search books and science, attempting to come up with reasons as to how God could possibly be real. How could this make sense? A perfect god-man? Walking earth? Sacrificed for a people who might never care? But to those who are called, it is the POWER and the WISDOM of God. 

The mystery of the Gospel is deeper than I can explain. Wider than I know. But it is the truth by which I live my life. The words that have changed everything. I devour my Bible like it's where I get my breath and life. Paul tells me to imitate him as he imitates Christ. Do you know what that asks of me and you?

We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become and are sill, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.

We are like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. How can we impart the wisdom and power of God if we are the scum of the world? The beauty is that I am only the messenger and it is he who softens hearts and changes lives. The most amazing part is that I was nothing. My worth equated to how quickly it was to burn a house built with hay on the sand. But how good God is to move my foundation, change my heart, build me up with precious metals and stones. 

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

nor the heart of man imagined, 

what God has prepared for those who love him--

THESE THINGS God has revealed to us through the Spirit. 

Does it blow you away? Are you in awe? Like when you try and jump a wave but get tossed around by the immensity of the ocean and it takes your breath away? You didn't see it coming but here you are recovering from the beauty of this truth. Once, my life was unknown. Now, I can know God's plan for my life, but more miraculously, I can know God!  

Oh, how beautiful the wisdom of God to map out my life.

Oh, how wonderful the power of God to change a sinful heart like mine. 

Hallelujah, for the Kingdom of God, does not come in talk, but in power. 

Hallelujah, that I have been chosen to be a daughter of this Kingdom.

Paul ends Corinthians with the simplistic truth that has changed humanity. I am reminded of the Gospel. If it were not true that the Gospel was the POWER of God and the WISDOM of God, then we would be the most pitied of them all. If Christ had not been raised, how futile my life would be. BUT PRAISE BE TO OUR GOD, because indeed Christ has been raised from the dead, he is sitting at the right hand of the father interceding for me, and that is the truth, that is the Gospel by which I stand.

So come, Lord Jesus, build us up to be your precious Kingdom. You are our steadfast foundation, build us up with the most precious of stones. Let us build one another up with the most precious of truths. Let us LOVE deeply, let us use our gifts to the greatest capacity. Let us seek the encouragement of others, let us bring glory to God, let us flee idolatry and most importantly let us bring glory to God in everything we do. 

**All meditations and Scripture quotes are from 1 Corinthians
This is intended to get you to read the book for yourself! 

a testimony of hope

It was 5 years ago.

5 years ago when I first learned that words can shatter your world.

5 years ago when I discovered how fragile mortality is.

5 years ago when God changed my life.

I was on my first mission trip. Longing to love my surroundings. Wishing it didn't have to be about me. But a call from home that your mother's health has taken a turn for the worse will keep you chained in two locations. Satan tried to make ruin missions for me that week. Instead, God took a terrible situation and he gave me hope. The children screamed hope in my face with the VBS theme song. The woman we served gently spoke hope to my heart as she shared her stories and her love for the LORD.

It was 4 years ago.

4 years ago when I experienced the first summer without a mother.

4 years ago when I returned to Cherokee.

4 years ago when I fell in love with missions.

I was on my second mission trip. Same place, same people, different heart. I was praying, longing for a child who could resonate with my testimony. And God gave me one. His name was Alijah and for the first time, my broken heart was able to minister to another. For the first time, my sadness had purpose. For the first time, I saw God's love penetrate another broken heart. I was hooked. I wanted more.

It was 3 years ago.

3 years ago when I graduated from high school.

3 years ago when the world was at my fingertips.

3 years ago when I made decisions that would plan the rest of my life.

I was on my third mission trip. Same place, same people, same heart. God was confirming, this was my passion. God was speaking, this was his plan, his beautiful purpose. This was wisdom in the dark. I had so much love for these people. I wanted to pour the hope that God had given me into these hearts. I was a little scared. Could I really do this for the rest of my life?

It was 2 years ago.

2 years ago when I was in Nicaragua.

2 years ago when my heart was healed.

2 years ago when joy radiated from my face.

I was on my fifth mission trip. New place, New people, Changed heart. I was where I was passionate. I was sharing the Gospel freely. I was loving children who didn't speak my language. I was laughing with friends. I was joyful in ways I had never been. For the first time I believed without a shadow of doubt this hope I was giving to hearts. My God is good. My God is faithful. My God is beautiful.

It was 1 year ago.

1 year ago when I was unsteady.

1 year ago when I was on the brink of new decisions.

1 year ago when God gained my complete trust.

I was on my first summer in 4 years where I wasn't on a mission trip. I was a little uneasy and a little unsteady. God was taking me into the unknown for the first time. I was going to be a student, I was going to invest in passions I wasn't sure could be developed. I was trusting God FOR EVERYTHING.

It is today.

Today I am amazed.

Today I am in awe.

Today I have open hands.

Today I'm not on a mission trip. But I am on a mission field. I have been wrestling with this small verse in the middle of 1 Corinthians that can change it all. Paul is talking to the Corinthians about their idolatry and their legalism. They were so bound by the rules or on the opposite side of the spectrum and no caring about rules at all. There was disunity. And in the midst of a passage where Paul surrenders his rights to not following certain rules, that he says this, 

"In the same way, the Lord commanded that those who proclaim the Gospel should get their living by the Gospel."

The word living is Zao in Greek. A form of the Greek word Zoe. This is what Jesus talks about when he gives abundant life. Not the life of your mortality, but the life of you living life to the fullest.

Those who proclaim the Gospel should get their abundant living from the Gospel.

Today I get my Zao from the Gospel. It is hard to be the only source of light in a dark workplace. It is hard to write papers and take tests and study. It is hard to be so busy. But my source of consolation through it all is that CHRIST is my center. GOD holds it all. THE LORD directs my path. JESUS saved my soul. the SPIRIT dwells within me. HE is my good news. He is my Gospel. And this is what I will proclaim during school, during work, during my day to day.

Next year I don't know where I'll be.

10 years from now, I can't even dream of what my future will be.

50 years from now, I pray that I look back in AWE, in HOPE, and in utter gratitude.

50 years from now, I hope I look back and say, "I proclaimed the Gospel and because of that, I got my abundant life from the Gospel."

a different kind of kingdom: part one

"I'm going to need you to put a flat lid on this," said the lady to whom I just handed her iced coffee.

"I put the dome lid on because there is a little bit of extra ice in there and I didn't want to make a mess out of your drink." I explained.

"I don't care. No one else makes my drink like this. Put a flat lid on! Are you new here?" Her insults spewed from her lips faster than I could have even corrected the mistake.

Taking her drink back, I removed the dome lid and put a flat lid on. Just as I expected the drink overflowed, down the sides of the cup and onto the top of the lid. I proceeded to wipe off the sides of the drink and handed it back to her.

Obviously getting more upset, "This drink is a MESS!"

"Yes, that is why I put the dome lid on it."

The next few minutes proceeded on like this. Her being over-dramatic about a meaningless situation and me being a little bit more snarky than I should have been. As my co-worker remade her drink, conviction settled. I was unkind and I knew it. The Holy Spirit began to probe my heart.

As my co-worker handed her the new drink, I approached the woman and apologized for my attitude and my mistake. She looked up at me with unkind eyes and said, "You aren't sorry! You were incredibly rude!"

~~~~

First, we'll get the obvious out of the way. How quickly that could have been avoided if people did not live as if they were entitled to their way all the time and always being right.

But the more important idea I want to talk about is this:

After the ordeal and as I baffled at my ability to get upset so quickly, God spoke so clearly to my heart, reminding me of the words I had read earlier in Ephesians. "Be kind to everyone, Leah."

"But God! I don't want to be kind, she was so unkind to me!"

"Be kind to everyone."

That was all. It was as easy as that. How was it fair that she could be so unkind to me and I am called to turn the other cheek? How is it fair that she can walk all over me and God tells me to love her anyway?

It's because I am called to a different Kingdom, a different life, i have been made new. 

I have been studying the book of Ephesians and it is radically all about the Gospel. Ephesians 1 describes who God is and what He has done and the praise that He deserves because of His glory. It is that who HE is has made me who I am. Ephesians 2 reminds us what we were. And you were dead in your trespasses. Once during youth group in high school, my youth pastor was preaching and all of us were in a circle and he told us to imagine a dead person was in the middle of that circle. That person was dead. They were lifeless, without breath, without hope, without choice. That image sticks with me when I remember who I was. I was a child of wrath, I was devoted to destruction.
In the transitional pivot in Ephesians it says
BUT GOD...
because of his great love he adopted us into a new Kingdom, a new household.
In Ephesians 3, he tells us that this Gospel is for everyone. Everyone is invited to be a member of God's household. He prays then, that we being rooted and grounded in love would have the strength to comprehend this incredible truth.
Ephesians 4 brings the commands, the guidebook by which we live. Therefore... be humble... gentle..speak truth...no longer walk as Gentiles...put off your old self...be renewed...in true righteousness and holiness... put away falsehood..do not sin...no corrupting talk...do not grieve the holy spirit... be kind to one another... forgiving one another...

If i read that list, the list of commands, requests and sins, fully by itself. I would become irritated and frustrated. No, I don't want to be kind to the customer that tells me I'm dumb, or my boss that has the incredible ability to make others feel like they are nothing. No I don't want to gentle and humble to my sister that claws for my attention. I don't want to forgive those people. On my own.

But when I read those commands within the context of God telling me who He is, reminding me of how worthy HE is and how HE deserves nothing less than my entire heart. When I remember what HE saved me from, how HE put breath in my dry bones and adopted me from a child of wrath to a child of HIS. When I am reminded that HE gave this gift to everyone, including the unkind customers, my prideful boss and my annoying sister, I can turn the other cheek in LOVE. Because it is then that I turn my eyes from the situation and see HIM. When I read those commands in that context, my heart is free to follow them. I will be humble because Christ was humble, I will speak truth because that is all that is given to me. I will walk in the newness of LIFE because that is what God has given me. I will be kind and forgive because that is who HE has called me too.

No, those commands don't always seem fair. But I am now a stranger to this world. I live in a different kingdom and a different household. I serve a beautiful, wonderful, indescribable God and when He says, "Leah, be kind." I will turn the other cheek and I will be kind with his grace, his love, his heart.

"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit."
Ephesians 2:19-22

Beauty of Struggle

There it was. The beauty of vulnerability in the struggle. The stunning light of community shining through as we saw her tears. The moment was so vivid, so real, it captured my soul.
It began with a simple question, "How are you doing?" But in the midst of this genuine question, our friend felt the safety of being real. The honesty that community brings. And it was that moment that made me understand everything that God has been teaching me.

About two months ago now, one of my friends told me about her struggle. A deeply lonely year, financial struggles, and a discontentment that we can all understand. She said, "Leah, why do bad things happen to good people?" In a joking matter, she laughed and said she was going to cry herself to sleep. The words quickly formed on the tip of my tongue and I almost said these dangerous words that would have ruined everything. "It's going to be okay, God will provide for you."

These are both unbelievably true statements. But the timing of these phrases was wrong. If those words would have flown from my flippant tongue, I'm sure the depth and the realness of the moment would have been shattered. It would have been like glass falling in a quiet room. An awkwardness would have settled.

Instead, I said something different. I affirmed her pain and her struggle. I think in doing so, I was invited into a journey I would have missed if I had covered her pain with a Christian bandaid.

This was the beginning of a journey for me. On the flipside, I felt like my life was going well. I am loving school, I have a good job with wonderful co-workers. My car is running efficiently. My life is beautiful. I am in a completely different place than I was last year at this time. Last year, I was still unsure of where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and I experienced a loneliness that shook me to my core. But my relationship with Jesus was thriving. I struggled with him and wrestled with him and I relied on him for everything. Somewhere in the transition from struggle to thriving, my relationship with God went from thriving to struggle.

Why is it that prosperity pushes us far from God? Prosperity screams a Gospel that is not accurate. It tells us that struggle is wrong, it whispers to the depth of our souls that we have to hold it all together. And even when it is going well, nothing can be wrong, nothing can be off. A facade is built. It says, "I'm fine. Jesus and I are great. My life is perfect."

Under that facade, though, I think is a struggle that is even more real. It is a struggle against pride and a struggle that tells me I don't need Jesus. It quenches the deepest of my thirsts with superficial, temporary fixes and I still come up searching for Living Water.

In the beauty of struggle, I see Jesus. Last year, even though my prayers consistently contained cries and fears, I met Jesus in ways I never have before. He was here with me within the deep struggle. I saw Jesus even when I wanted to let go. I see Jesus in my friend who is serving as a missionary struggling to learn the language, but thriving. I see Jesus in my friend who cannot understand why bad things are happening to her, but she is holding on to him. I see Jesus in my friend who lets tears fall down her face and tells me that it's been hard and she is trying to trust God but the world is telling her so many different messages, but in her vulnerability, I see Christ shining through.

The struggle is hard. The struggle stretches us beyond what we feel we are capable of enduring. The struggle often makes us want to let go of everything we live for because it is challenging. The struggle pushes us to Jesus. In our struggle, we realize that there is nothing else that we can hold onto. So I'll be honest, I'm struggling to hold onto Jesus in this season of prosperity, but as I look to him and see he is the greatest good, the purest love, the most wonderful companion, my doubts fade and my thirst for Him grows. And I know that in this struggle, I will meet him because he promises that when you seek him, you will find him.