Reflections

 The Spontaneity I've embarked on, it's like my fingertips brushed against the face of God. The friends I've loved, harder than ever before, held my hand, guiding me through life with their laughter and smiles. The joy I've felt, was born deep inside of me, but set on the flame of the Spirit, bubbles higher than ever before. And I hope if a heart were to look at mine, they'd see love, they'd feel joy, they'd meet Jesus.
Time has flown by, developed sonic speed, laughing in my face as it escapades past in a rush of love and memories. Leaves me breathless, with a lack of words, remembering not the moments I sat idly, but the moments I forgot to stop moving, leaving my house in a whirlwind, stopping only long enough to catch a breath of fresh air.
Because the memories I hold encapsulate the photoshoot in the rain, buying outrageously expensive umbrellas. Just to remember. Lying underneath the stars on a cold May evening, on a playground labeled "No Trespassing." Freezing huddled under a blanket not quite long enough to stretch over the three of us. Laughing until I fear I've broken a rib, as tears stream down my face. Thunderstorms at work inspire us to dance in the rain, pouring around us, in an empty parking lot. Driving way too fast on back roads, country music blasting out our windows, smiles dancing in our eyes. Eating ice cream at least once a week as it hurts my sensitive teeth, promising me it is not a dream, I'm still alive. Staying awake until 3am, whispering secrets and lives, reflecting on who we are, where we've been, what we have become. I've not regretted sitting in a library for hours searching for books that my alter my world, if only a little, might broaden my horizons, if only a lot.
It feels only yesterday a little girl stood at my door asking to be best friends on my first day of first grade. The new girl in the neighborhood, I was. It feels only yesterday that same girl and I made hairbands out of flowers, and I cried when she found new friends. It feels only yesterday that playing in the schoolyard was my entire world, tragedy painted when a friend didn't show up for school. We loved, we lived. And then middle school came, and still it feels like a heartbeat ago, I thought I was in love, and I had my first dance. Only minutes ago, when I fell hard into reality. A boy we loved acted in the moment, feeling instead our hate, killing his pain. In the process, leaving children to mourn something we couldn't yet understand. Cancer personified into something, not just a story I'd read in my library books. But an enemy taken residence in a loved one. The moment I had to be a best friend for real, and comfort tragedy acted in a cold anger, in thoughtless actions. Bitter to touch, the kind we were certain would never strike our fears, our lives. Yesterday, when I lay upside down on a bed staring at the ceiling with three of the most beautiful girls in the world and we lamented the fact that high school was endless. When could we move on? When could we dream? A second ago, when I had to breathe the words goodbye through tears and clenched fists for the first time, to my mother, my other half. A moment ago, when God asked for my heart again and it became His, as He painfully tore idols down, broke my heart, and built it back again. Auntie Annes and popcorn. Trees with babies and mugs for a dime. Broken necklaces and 13 hour car rides.  These memories that dance in my head with time. Yet again, time has been a reckless thief. He has broken so many hearts, and shattered so many dreams. But I'll step in and take the lead because these thoughts are mine, these memories were are gift to me from God above, as he wanted me to see who I was and how He made me who I am. Time continues to run, faster than I'm okay with, but I love and I dream. I want to be the old woman we visited in a nursing home. Remembering wasn't a painful affair, she loved, she lived, she traveled and acted on her dreams. She can look back and smile. She doesn't need to whisper, "God, why didn't I do that...?" I want to be like that woman. I want to say I loved and was loved. My dreams are big, they don't have much of a direction quite yet, but I believe that is something God will lead me to, but until then, I dream, I live, I love. I breathe.