running.

If she ran away, life would be so much simpler.
If she ran away, she thought, how beautiful it would be to have nothing but her car keys and a bottle of water and be forever gone.
No phone, no camera, no people. Nothing besides the clothes on her back and an old pair of flipflops.
Real, painful thoughts of running away invaded her mind.
She could start over. The movies always portray it. The girl so recklessly abandons her meaningless life and discovers life and beauty and meaning.
She could be that girl.
Everything in her desired something else. She wanted so much to be rid all the things the pulled her down. The obligations, the fears, the annoyances, the people. She needed freedom more than all the people around her could understand.

Gently the spirit reminded her of what she would lose if she ran away. These deep relationships that blossomed in the fruit of life would be gone. These seeds she had been planting trampled. The obedience to her Savior ignored.

The things she would lose were greater than the things she would gain if she ran away.

Her heart desired to be anywhere but here. Anywhere but in this place where she could physically no longer keep on fighting. But while everything in her screamed, "Run Away!"
The Voice of God was stronger. "Run to me, my love, Run to me."

I am Martha. A whirlwind of tasks and lists and ideas. Idosomanythings. Ineverquitestop. Ican'tbreathe.
I demand to the Lord, "Don't you see me? Do you even care?"
He is so stunning with His words, looking at me with His kind eyes, He never rebukes my tasks,only calming the storms within me.
"Martha," he spoke silence in my heart. "Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary, Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."
So anxious. So troubled. How can only one thing be important? Can sitting in the presence of Jesus really and truly be the only thing I need? Is that really the only peace my heart needs right now?
How can this be?

Jesus' command to Martha was never to stop serving. His heart just wanted hers to be at peace. He wanted her to be able to revel in His beauty and worship Him.
Mary worshiped by lavishing her love on him. Martha would eventually learn to worship with her serving. Will I ever learn this lesson?
When my workings go unnoticed will I respond with grace and gratitude instead of complaining and lamenting?

I've chosen the good portion. His name is Jesus. He only asks for my heart. Never my workings. Never my restlessness. He has come to give us rest.
We run so fast and so far in the opposite direction of where Jesus wants us to be: right in his arms.
We leave, fearful He will look down and see we haven't done enough; or worse, He won't notice at all.

He says instead, "Come to me, Run into my arms. I see, I know. Your work will be rewarded."
Our weary hearts rejoice because with each beat we despair, "I'm. So. Tired. Of. Running."
And He envelopes us in His perfect embrace and says, "Come to me, my weary and restless child. My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I don't need to run anywhere but into my Savior's embrace which will hold me close forever.
In His love I know this will one day be worth it. In His eyes, I see something beyond here, I see the Kingdom of God and it's beautiful. I'm running to Him.

gratitude.

As if I somehow deserved more than I have already been given,
As though the immense grace that drowns me in oceans I'll never learn to swim in
and as if being saved from a life of never knowing the most perfect being wasn't enough,
I moan.
I whine like a selfish child who doesn't want to share my toy.
How could I be so blind?
My voice cries out in a sea of other lost and broken ones, "Why, oh Lord, why?
Have you forgotten a heart? Have you somehow turned your all-seeing eye away from me?
You do not care."
How blasphemous my words seem.
My eyes drift from the encapsulating beauty of you, the one who shines like rainbows with emeralds and rubies and diamonds and I see the awful darkness. I slip and find myself in the muck of self-pity and the confining chains of complaining.
For whatever reason I make assumptions that despite the already beautiful life you've given me, you are obliged to give me more.
I turn from seeing you as my perfect Lord to seeing you as my fairy godfather, one who will grant every wish my heart could ever desire.

Your words, sharper then any two edged sword has cut me like a knife.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
the merciful, the pure in heart and the peacemakers. Blessed are the persecuted."

Blessed are you in this place right where you are.
Blessed are you whose spirit has been reduced to a lowly beggar's knees.
Blessed are you who weep over losses that are too giant for you to grasp.
Blessed are you who are gentle, who has turned away from looking to yourself and chosen to trust in God's goodness instead.
Blessed are you who desire to be right before God more than food and drink, for you shall be satisfied.
Blessed are you who give mercy even when others don't return it.
Blessed are the pure and the peacemakers.
Blessed are you.


So different then what the world is telling me. The lies this world is screaming is that I am not blessed. It points a finger straight at the places I think I deserve more and says, "You are right!
Don't you see? This is injustice!" The world tells me of how I give so much and receive so little. It shows me how I'll have to work harder to get through school then some.
It shows me the loss has torn deep holes in my heart.
And it looks with scorning eyes and says, "How can you believe that you are blessed?"

God's voice is clear, ringing true above the words of the enemy.
"Blessed are you because yours is the kingdom of heaven. You shall be comforted. You shall inherit the earth. You shall be satisfied. You will see God, you are sons of God. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven."

When I take my eyes off of my circumstance, I can see clearly.
The way I slave over things on this earth will not be rewarded here. The things that truly matter will be rewarded by God himself.
He sees. He knows.
We can choose gratitude now in the midst of fear and darkness, sadness and depression, confusion and the unknown.
We can walk in thanksgiving for the things God has already done for us.
He has already given us everything we need. If He only gave me breath in my lungs that would be enough. But can't you see? He's given so much more. Salvation, Redemption, Freedom, Life, Joy.
He has given me himself.
I deserve nothing. And yet, He has given me everything.