Deeply Rooted

 There she was, a simplistic beauty, misplaced. An attention drawn to herself, unintentionally,
because of who she was and how she thrived.
She was a garden flower blooming in the wilderness.

But wasn't it just beautiful?

The way she grew right where she had been planted? The way she allowed her roots to run deep, intertwining with those around her. Somehow stunning the way her vivid yellow contrasted with the drab colors of the dried, desert-like ground. Right next to the gentle brook, the daffodil's courage spoke to my heart.

The wildflower, blooming anywhere and everywhere, I have been.
A whirlwind of fluctuating emotion and chaotic beauty.
Carefree, so vivaciously spreading life.

I've seen the garden flowers. The ones that settle and grow deep roots of love and joy. Right where they are, steadfast and immovable. Devoted to where they've been called. I've admired them.

Here I am, though, a daffodil in the wild, a wildflower in a garden. Misplaced and yet,

this is right where I have been planted.

The daffodil inspired within me a prayer. Because I've been praying, I've been longing for the day when I'm planted elsewhere. I've been hoping for the day when I get to be a wildflower in a field. And yet,
I'm a garden flower blooming in the wilderness and
it's not natural,
but it's where I've been planted.
The prayer blossomed out of a heart not my own, my flesh would have denied it.

God didn't call me to be here, in this garden, to sit still in the little plastic carton that new plants come in.
No, He's been waiting with His shovel and His spade, waiting for the day when I would fully surrender and allow Him to plant me. Where I finally let Him cultivate me right here. Right in this place of burden and beauty.
It's not that His promises haven't been enough. They have.

"Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:14)

 Nourishment and life, he has promised me. If only I give Him my roots.

"Rooted and grounded in love." (Eph. 3:17)

The ground is fertile. He promised. Yet, why am I so afraid?

I think it is fear of the known. I thrive on the unknown, I thrive on adventure.
I fear sameness and ritual and habit.
I fear being unfruitful.
And it is that very thing that I become when I allow my roots to be suffocated in this entrapment they are in.

The ground is fertile. The soil is prepared. The command is undeniable. The Gardener is trustworthy, He has loving hands, stained from years of planting, tenderly caring for hearts, just like mine.

So my dangerous prayer has become,

"Take this wayward heart, this heart that thinks it knows best.
This heart that believes it has been designed for adventure,
Plant it. Cultivate it so that the roots run deep. 
Our hearts were not made to be adventurous, 
our hearts were not made to stay.
 Our hearts were made to please His.
Our hearts were made for Him.
My heart, captured by the sweetest of chains, is crying out to you.
Plant me so my roots grow deep in your soil and they intertwine with others;
so that when you do transplant me, 
processes are difficult.
Painful it will be to detangle me from this place.
Pieces of me will be left behind,
I'll never be the same. 
This heart is yours.

I get it now. Life is a journey. I understand.
So relational is my Author. Each adventure and each new season given so I may know Him more, so I may give Him more. The revelation is the same as always. Just as it will always be, Just as it was for so many others. Ezekiel bore Israel's punishment because He saw God, He saw Heaven. Isaiah, John, Paul.
The revelation is Jesus. It is the value of Him. It is my sinfulness in light of His beauty.
It will always result in giving myself empty to the One who made me.
It will always result in obedience in the call He has on my life.
Because I have seen His value. I know Him.

Will it result in obedience for you?
Will a revelation of Him result in a prayer to be deeply rooted, right where you have been planted until He calls you somewhere else??

Ephesians 3:16-20
That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.

The Message of Reconciliation

The sky was consumed with darkness. The midday sun flickered off becoming an obvious void in the sky. A three hour darkness cast over the land.
The criminals hanging on the trees in agony, The sinner, the Perfect and the forgiven. The devoted standing at the foot of the cross to the One who had claimed to be their Savior. They stood, brokenhearted at the fate of the One whom they had loved, the One who had given them perfect love.
The agony of the moment was beyond seeing the pain of the criminals, it was seemingly becoming the most hopeless moment in history. A sinking feeling in all their hearts as they remembered who Jesus said He was, yet forgetting what He had said about three days time.

Where was the Hope now? Where was the Saving Grace? What does this mean for me?

His Voice pierced the darkness, the fullness of His agony ringing out among the crowd: "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?" The realness of the moment permeating the air as every person feels what it means to have God turn his back.
The ground began to shake, and as always, things were happening behind the scenes. The temple curtain between the Holy Place and the Most Holy Place was torn in two, so we could now commune face to face without a priest. Rocks shattered, tombs came open, the dead rose again. Yet, the grief seemed too much to bear, Jesus was dead. The best man on earth, our only Hope was dead.

And for three days there was mourning. The disciples wondering if they really had wasted three years of following, giving everything they had to a man who called Himself God. The women grieved outside of the tomb, pacing, weeping wondering what more they could do. The world was in waiting. The vacancy that spread over the earth with the presence of Jesus amiss was intense.
Satan was laughing in our faces. He thought He had won, He thought he had conquered.

But Jesus rose. Three days of turmoil and Jesus arose from the grave, coming alive. Three days of immense tragedy. Three days of endlessness and Jesus rises again.
The morning when all things came into fruition, the morning when the ultimate promise was fulfilled. The morning that is the reason for our faith happened.
The women appeared to the tomb, hoping to do something and it was empty. An angel who bore the great and awesome news, The Lord is Risen.
Frantically running to tell the disciples, Jesus met them, and said, "Rejoice," the Greek word can also mean, "Be well, Thrive." Jesus was saying, look, I've risen again, There is reason to thrive again! The long night has ended and the morning has come.

I love Matthew's Gospel because of the Story. He begins with fashioning the beautiful Savior, Jesus. Displaying Him for His characteristics and compassion. We fall in love with the character of Jesus. We root for Him, We choose to follow Him to wherever He will go. He becomes our Healer, our Lord, and our deep friend. We hang onto every word, He silences our storms. We grow to love Him through His love for us. And when the time in the story comes where Jesus is taken captive our hearts are on edge.
This is my Jesus, You cannot take Him! We become Peter, chopping off ears in anger, wanting to defend our friend and keep him to ourselves. We are broken when the crowd chooses a criminal instead of our perfect Lord. We stand with the women at the foot of the cross lamenting His death. We mourn for three days wondering if all our hopes, all of our decisions had been useless. Did we fall for a lunatic? Did we believe a liar? Or was there still more to come?
And as we walk to the tomb with the woman, preparing for another day of sadness, another day of grief, we reach the climax. Just when we begin to wonder if the story will have a dumb ending and we wasted our time on a story such as this, we see the glorious angel sitting on the edge of the open tomb. We momentarily get angry, thinking someone has stolen our Lord, we don't quite want to believe that maybe there is hope to this situation.
The women saw the angel and he said, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus...He is not here, for he has risen!!!"
Matthew's story ends differently than the other gospels. The others include sightings of Jesus and what He did in his last days before He rose up to Heaven. It includes the many who believed. But Matthew is different. He shares one story.
It is the story with the mission that Jesus leaves us with. He takes his disciples up onto a mountain. And He says these stunning words,

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. A behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

He leaves us with a commission. He says, "We aren't done here. What I did while I was here is what you're going to do. Everything that I have done, you must do. Make disciples, teaching them about My Father, me and The Spirit who will indwell them and empower them. And I will be with you. Always."

I've been thinking, on Easter weekend, we get dressed up fancy and spend time with family. We go on egg hunts and talk about the Easter bunny. We eat lots of candy and think of springtime. But I wonder, is there more? We gather in a church and sing songs of the death and resurrection. But are we just singing with empty words? We drink of the cup and eat of the body, doing it in remembrance of our Lord. But I wonder, are we just consuming?

Because Jesus surely didn't come to give you an opportunity to buy a new dress or wear sandals for the first time that year. He didn't want you to just do those things. Because the book didn't end with his resurrection. Yes, the death and rising again are the climax, the most important part. They are essential, it is the beginning of our relationship with Him. And to those that know Him, Jesus gives the greatest invitation.

You, the bearers of the greatest Hope, share it. Proclaim it from the rooftops, declare it in the cities and whisper it underground. Tell the world of the Hope that you have. Teach them of my love, teach them how to love. You, the bearers of Light, shine forth. You, He is sending you. He has sent you to the right here and now, to every single moment that you have breath in your lungs you have been sent.
Go.
Make Disciples.
Baptize them.
He will be with you.

2 Corinthians 5:19-20
Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting us the message of reconciliations. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

The message of reconciliation has been entrusted to my hands. I am a living, breathing testimony of reconciliation. Therefore, I, as an ambassador, a representative in a foreign land, sent to bring a message will be a vessel in which God will make his appeal to the world.
In this foreign land I will have to learn a new language, ac a new way, to reach those to whom I've been sent.

The greatest gift didn't stop when we received it, it was the first domino effect. The Hope spread like wildfire, gradually taking over the Roman empire and ultimately the world.
So on this Easter weekend, don't just go to church. Don't sing songs without understanding the meaning. Change you heart, devote yourself to the Lord and go. Ask the Lord where you are supposed to go. Ask Him who you are supposed to disciple and baptize. And trust that He is with you. Listen for His Voice, rely heavily on His Word. Let your life being a living testimony of God's message of reconciliation.

The ground is beginning to shake because Christ the Lord didn't stay dead. He is here and He is redeeming His church back to Himself, preparing a Home for the Great Wedding Feast. The Stone is rolled away, don't stay in your grave clothes. Come alive.

The First Step into the Rest of my Life

The latest question that people have nonstop asked me for the past six months of my life.
"So, what are you doing now?"
"What are your plans?"
"When's your next adventure?"
"How long are you home for?"
The question became quite the annoyance to answer considering I had zero answers.
I'm nannying.
No, I don't know my plans.
No, I don't know my next adventure.
No, I don't know how long I'm here for.

Waiting on the Lord to speak felt like forever. As I mentioned in my last blog, He had many things to work in me as I waited. Things I could only gain in the specific season of waiting for the next step of my life. He built in me unquenchable Hope in who He is and what He is doing in the lives around me and mine. He has strengthened my trust in Him, reminding me countless times of people in the Bible when you can through, without question. He showed me all the times in my life that He has done that for me.
Up until January I still really wanted to go back to YWAM Louisville. I was hoping and praying that I would complete my time at home in obedience and then the Lord would finally open the door to go back.
But in January I went down to Louisville with my friend. And while I was there God opened my eyes to how YWAM had been my launching pad, not my ministry to stay in. I would never get back the season I had there. My time with YWAM had been a much needed time of discipleship, healing and learning. It had been a time of discovering my passions and my spiritual gifts. It was an incredible time with deeper friendships than I'll ever know, friendships I'll never let go.
And when I came home, I was at peace. But now the questions became, "What now?"
My own plans slipped through my fingertips. It was God saying, "Leah, trust me. I have things for you that you'll never imagine."
And the waiting began again, and I began to wonder if it would ever end. My favorite band sang, "If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go."
But in the perfect timing, God started stirring. My dreams started growing and my mind started working.
I am about to say something I never thought I would say. It has taken a miracle to say it.
I am going to college.
One day I was telling my best friend that I didn't ever want to go to college. And less than two weeks later, I was on my way to applying, and excited about it.
My dreams started growing for helping people in deeper ways than I was capable. I started realizing how I wanted to skillfully meet the deeper needs of one's heart. I wanted discipleship and I wanted to be a missionary.
And I don't know how else to tell you that I know, except that I know college is the next step for me.

So I am excited to announce that in the Fall of 2015 I will be attending Lancaster Bible College majoring in Professional Counseling working towards a Master's.
I am ecstatic and terrified that this is my next step.
Since finding out, I go through waves of fear and excitement.
But ultimately, I cannot wait for what the Lord is going to do and where He is going to take me.

Winter Snow

"You came in like a winter snow.
Quiet and soft and slow."

It's been a winter of the soul. The spring and summer were magnificent. The beauty of what happened when my soul finally came alive after so long happened quickly and gloriously. I was free and innocent, daughter of my father in heaven, dancing with him after a terrible tumble that left me in despair for far too long. My trust grew as he awakened spring in my soul and slowly led me, slowly showed me how to dance again. I was alive and I wanted to explore the depth of every forest and every field that He had grown within me and around me. The summer was just that, I ran through every field and every forest. Baffled as a child looking at every intricacy of life God created for me. Amazed, standing on mountaintops. Full of praise looking back at the valleys of tears that He had wiped away. I found new and beautiful places to step foot in, I discovered what pleased his heart and learned how to thrive when everything and everyone around me was so alive. I developed this passionate desire to bring life to every soul, every heart.

But you've already read about that season in my life. 

And then God called me back to the place I wanted to be least. And this winter season of my soul began. I opened my eyes and realized the sun had gotten lower in the sky. 

The fall came quickly, seemingly stealing life from my heart and I had to burrow down deep. 

I was lonely with few local friends, I was fighting battles daily against my flesh and I was waiting for that moment when Jesus would tell me to go back into the ever-green forest that brought me so much life and gave me so much passion. But he wasn't speaking about that. He was showing me that this winter wouldn't last forever. He was telling me that hope would not disappoint me. A lie I had believed for too long was going to be broken. 

"Hope." He said. "Hope in me. Hope in who I am, not in what you can do." 

The lyrics from my favorite Christian band became my melody. 

"If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go." "I could just sit and wait for all your goodness, hope to feel your presence again, but you have called me higher, you have called me deeper." "If there is victory, you sing it over me now, your peace is a melody, you sing it over me now."

The winter has been long. Longer than I've ever known anything to last.

Yesterday, we had a glimpse of spring. My heart was happier than the sun. I had flipflops on and there was this deep joy in my heart, not because of of the spring, but because I know that God is bringing the spring back in my life. 

And I've seen that I needed the winter. I have desperately needed it just as much as I needed the spring. 

The winter has taught me how to hope steadfastly. It has taught me how to hope in The Lord as my only source and nothing else. The winter has taught me to wait. Patiently. For his timing and no one else's. 

It has taught me that his grace truly is sufficient for me. Days I go without are train wrecked. Days where Jesus is the number one flow. 

This winter has also allowed a season of stillness to cultivate new friendships. Coming home in the fall, all my local friends were either super busy with college or far off. And within the last few months, I have developed a deep friendship that I wouldn't have found if I hadn't had this season.

I am thankful for the winter and for the things it has cultivated within me.

One of my favorite music artist's Audrey Assad sings a song called Winter Snow. She sings, "You came in like a winter snow, quiet and soft and slow."

Like the winter snow that so gently falls, calming the world, stilling the wind and trees, was how The Lord came.
So gently He came and told me of the coming season, Gently He has worked the things I've needed for the next season within me.
He came to me like a winter snow.
And now, Spring is coming. The spring is blossoming in my heart. 

Four Hundred and Ninety Times

The question was imposed upon Jesus, "How often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?
I believe Jesus was slightly broken by this questions, thinking "Seriously? You still don't get it?"
But Jesus replies with an answer that baffles the minds of all listening.
He says "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."
In the ears of the fellow Jews, in the culture they were living in, they knew Jesus was implying that it was not four hundred and ninety times in a lifetime, but in one twenty-four hour period.
He was in a sense saying, "Forgive the same sin on the same day every two minutes."
There is a person in my life who I feel as if I must forgive her of the same sin on the same day every thirty seconds. And let me tell you, it's hard.
I've been telling her, Yes, I forgive you. It's okay. It's fine.
But I thought about it. Am I really forgiving her? Or am I still holding all the things against her in my heart? I've put stipulations on her, I'll forgive you when you change. I'll forgive you when I see you choosing to walk away from the things you are doing. If you do this, then you will be worthy to receive my forgiveness.

What if Jesus did that to me? 

What if Jesus said, "I'll forgive you when I see your change. I won't believe your repentance until to stop these sins that you just seem to write off as unimportant."
No conditions, no stipulations He has looked at my sin and covered it with His blood. He has said to me "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in me."

I have read Romans 8 a million times and recently, I have decided to memorize it. And no matter how many times I have read it, I've missed something so vital. Repeating it again and again to myself, I've had a revelation.
He tells us that setting the mind on the things of the Spirit is to live by the Spirit and to set the mind on things of the flesh is to live by the flesh. Even though, I've grown up in the church, these words get lost amidst the other words that we associate with fluent church language.
Put to death the deeds of the flesh, we say. Live by the Spirit. And often, I think, that because the Holy Spirit dwells within me, I have already done this. I already live by the Spirit, so why worry?
Living by the Spirit is a choice.
When I choose the Spirit, I gain life abundantly over living within a spirit of fear.
I gain peace over worry. I am valued as a child of God, completely secure in my identity over desperately trying to do things to fit in.
I see the direction for my life instead of choosing some random path because of my lack of trust.
The list need not continue because the benefits of choosing to listen, hear and obey the Spirit are more valuable than choosing the momentary distractions of the flesh.

Love is greater than anything I have ever known. Love has pursued me and filled me up. Love is overflowing out of me because of what has been done for me. And I come to know that it is empowered supernaturally within me. Only with the Spirit can I be patient and not irritable and steadfast for those who need it. Only with Love Himself can I love and be loved.

Four Hundred and Ninety times. Live by the Spirit four hundred and ninety times. Choose forgiveness four hundred and ninety times. Love four hundred and ninety times every day.
Later in Romans 8 after Paul has given us his talk on living by the spirit and not the flesh, he says this, "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you."

One day all his promises He has given us, One day everything we've given our lives for will come into fruition. One day the things we have been waiting for will be fulfilled. One day we will finally see redemption win. We won't just see tiny glimpses that remind us that God is still working, we won't just hear a still small voice, we will see redemption win. We will see Jesus riding on a white horse, His Name will be Faithful and True. His eyes are like a flame of fire and on his head are many diadems and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords. And He will say "Come, gather for the great supper of the lame." Come.
On that day all will be worth it. On that day we will see how we have been forgiven four hundred and ninety times infinity, and with his eyes of fire that should bring judgement and wrath He looks at us with only love. And says come. Your name is written in my Book of Life, Come and enter into rest my beloved Child.
On that day, the weariness that comes with striving after love and faithfulness will be gone because we will see how it wasn't worth comparing to this glory we now see. One day, this hard life will be a blip on the span of eternity and we will be in a new Heaven and a New Earth walking eternity with Jesus Christ Himself.

Four Hundred and Ninety times I will forgive in my heart. Every day, Every sin, Every minute.
Four Hundred and Ninety times I will choose to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to live a life Holy and Pleasing to Him.
Because He is worth it, I have decided that He is far more valuable than my comfort. Far more valuable than my insecurity and fear.
He is worth more.
Four Hundred and Ninety times every second I will choose Him.

The Longing

The wake of someone else's tragedy has taken me back. In light of a familiar pain, my heart feels the loss, the amputation throbs yet again. 

Not as severely, not as overwhelming, but the sadness enters the hallways of my heart. 

And my heart bleeds for the friend who is walking the road of grief I have come to know all to well.

The beautiful longing enters in.

The longing arises out of the ashes that death leaves behind. 

It plants these simple seeds of faith.

Not just for the one I lost. But for what that loss birthed in me. 

It plants within us a desire to have things be the way they were before. They make us desire a better time, a better place.

It makes me long for my heavenly home. Not just because my mom will be there, but because it is this fantasy-like place where there will be no more tears or sorrows. No more fear or pain. This place that seems to be reality in the fairy-tales we watched as a child. This pure, unadultered, unstained place that draws our heart from the place it is now.

I want that place. I want that place where I can walk down streets of gold with only pure joy in my eyes and laughter in my heart, holding hands with Jesus, forever worshipping His greatness, forever communing with Jesus, the one Whom my soul loves.

  And that is what stirs a hope within me. That is what grows and cultivates my longing. 

Paul again so beautifully captures the longing in my favorite book of the bible, 2 corinthians. 

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God,  a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling...for while we are still in this tent we groan, being burdened-not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothes, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.   

 

How I relate to Paul. How I long for heaven on days when I am reminded of the pain. How I long for heaven for my friend who must walk this long and hard journey. 

How I yearn. 

Oh how I desire that beautiful place when sin is no longer a struggle, where death no longer sinks his vicious teeth into the flesh of those I love, where tears no longer burn down my cheeks mourning things I cannot understand. I want that place when I fully experience life abundantly. 
Oh how I want to be there.

But God gives us these stunning words in Revelation. These words of eternal hope and deep comfort.
Jesus whispers them softly to my heart on these days.
"Behold," His gentle words soothe my aching heart, "behold, I am making all things new."
"Behold. I am coming soon."

Those words are the reason for my joy. They are the very reason the bondage of this life has broken away from me. They are the very reason that this light and momentary affliction is nothing in comparison to Jesus. He Himself is the reason why I have taken my eyes off of this world that is growing strangely dim, in light of who He is.
Yes, we hurt. Yes, the Enemy is still out to steal, kill and destroy. But juxtaposed to the Life that He has brought me, I do not lose heart.
Because He is working an eternal weight of glory within me that is impossible to be compared to this affliction I now feel.

This place is filled with longing but it is the perfect place to know Jesus more. I press more into Him, I lean more fully on Him, I worship Him more honestly.
Therefore I cannot lose heart, because I have this treasure that the Lord is holding me. That He is working this out for my good. I have this promise that He is good. He is faithful. My pain will not be meaningless.

 

 

Learning to Thrive

Can you feel it? The dead of Creation is just pulling towards Hope. Can you hear it? The birds have begun to sing, expecting this to be a day when spring will arrive again. The temperature gives into the sun as it rises above freezing, feeling almost warm. The earth is ready. Can you feel it?

I think I'm learning to thrive.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I am experiencing the joy of obedience.
Because I finally have eyes to see. I can finally see Jesus in the coffee shops and letters. In the cold and in the warmth. In music and in late night chats with friends. In joy and in laughter. In the yearning and in the satisfaction. In the snow on my car and the red lights.
I can finally see Jesus in this winter place.
There may still be six more weeks until Spring, but I can finally believe that there is a reason for my Hope. Winter will end. Life will rise again. Hope does not disappoint. (Rom 5:5)
I am learning to thrive.
I cannot put into words the joy that is bubbling inside my heart. Because I know I am where I am for a reason. I know I am sitting here in the coffee shop typing blogs and writing a book and listening to music and reading letters for a reason. I know that I am here in Lancaster, nannying, loving, learning, living the mundane for a reason.  I know that God is for me and is making a way for me. I know Him.
I can hear Him whispering to me, "Holy and Dearly loved." Voicing my identity to me over and over again. I know.
And within that, I am learning to thrive, because it is from Jesus that my identity arises. It is the fact that my life is hidden deep within Jesus that I can thrive in the death of this winter.
I wait expectantly for that first flower to shoot up from the ground underneath the tree in my front yard. That first purple flower that arises every year. I wait in anticipation to bury my toes in the thawed earth and soft green grass. I wait because blessed are those who wait for Him. A smile is on my face as I watch the cars drive by and lights revert from red to green. The joy is here because Jesus is. I can see Him.
The winter is no longer killing me, the winter is making me come alive.