Joy of Obedience

We have this phrase as Christians that says, "If God calls me to that, I will never do it!" or, "I pray that God never calls me there..."

Be careful what you pray for, because God might just do the opposite.

Once I told God I never wanted to go to college. I told people that if God called me to college, I would hate it, and I probably wouldn't go. That was before I knew him well.
Two years ago when I told God those things, He knew that just two short years later he would call me to college. And that is what makes him so good. He met me exactly where I was at.
My heart that was filled with wander and a deep lust to travel this whole world, he met. My heart that said it was fine and knew God so well, He took. And in those moments where He met me in my deepest need and my deepest desire, I fell in love with JESUS.
The beauty of God is how He takes our hearts and molds us and shapes us without the slightest knowledge.
While I was off gallivanting across the world, I gave my heart to Jesus. I told him He can have my heart and take it wherever he wants. (In secret hopes that he would send me back.)
And as he healed my heart, he put it back together with some new and greater desires.

Two years later, I'm in college. By choice. In joy. I never would have thought those words would come out of my heart. But the joy that comes in obedience blossoms out of following Christ whole-hearted.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

We think this verse means that God will give us all we want. But the first half, delight yourself in the Lord, As we do that task, as we delight in him, as I delighted in him, the desires of my heart became God's desires.

And now, as I go to school and work and live the busiest schedule I have known, The joy of following Christ became a joy in obedience. And it frightens me to admit that my dreams are changing too. My desires are morphing to something more holy, something more fearful.
The direction of my dreams are completely different then they were 2 years ago, but that's the beauty and the joy that comes out of knowing Christ. He is so good to me. He is so good to us.
I sat across the table from my friend the other week and she told me how God is taking her on a completely different route then she ever would have imagined. It's because she has delighted herself in the Lord. God's desires have become hers.

Allegory of a Tree

She took pride in her strength, but she forgot there was beauty in letting go.

In some ways, the tree was like me. She stood tall, and many people came to her and leaned on her strength. It was easy to feed on what they said, it was easy to blossom under their words of elevating her beauty. But the thing was, there was something different under those leaves. Her branches twisted in seemingly painful ways. One stood straight to the heavens, but the other leaned. The way it leaned towards the side was evidence of a storm that had wracked her body, it had changed her to the core. She hadn't grown leaves for years, but now, she was strong again. She had something to pride herself in. 

All the other trees were changing colors, but she wanted to remain different. She wanted to be the same. And that's when Jesus' words came to me...

As I looked up at that tree, basking in her beauty, his words were soft and true,

She took pride in her strength, but she forgot there was beauty in letting go.

What was I supposed to let go of?

The way I try so hard to hold all the things together, the way my pride exudes from the fact that I am holding it all together, that I am strong. But the beautiful people I meet, the ones I see are the ones whom capture my heart are the ones who have found the beauty in letting go. They have no hold on their life, because their entire life belongs to Jesus, they are beautiful because their is no mask and their leaves are breathtaking in the forms of the colors of change. Some of the leaves have fallen and exposed the way their branches are marred, but that is even more lovely. 

The beauty is when I allow the colors of change to flow through my life. And when I let go enough that others can see my vulnerability, they can see my imperfection, they can see the way that branch was twisted and ruined by that storm. But more importantly, they can see the art that arose from the way that branch was hurt, the art was God's healing. 

So unlike that tree, I'll choose to allow God to work his mighty works in my heart, and be changed for his glory. So that when people see my colorful leaves, they no longer see me, they see Him. 

prone to wander.

The story goes that the author of the famous hymn with the words that sing "prone to wander", did in fact wander. In the unfortunate story, his adventurous heart took him away from the God he loved, but the question remains if this man returned to the fold of God. His words left deep truth for all of our wanderlust filled spirits to wonder about.

Prone to wander. I've taken these phrases out of context and used them for my heart that loves travel. I love to go, I love to wander, I love to find things that people have never seen before.
The rest of the stanza didn't seem relevant. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
I didn't feel as if I were prone to leaving the God I loved. I loved him, of course. Why would I leave him?
But the thing is, when I see these faces. My heart wanders. I wonder why I'm not there with them. I wonder why I'm not with the people of whom my heart desires the most. God has called me here, to Lancaster, PA for this season and it seems as though I will not get to travel to see faces like this for quite a while.

I am so prone to wander. I am prone to get up and walk away from obedience to what He has called me to in the here and now to get to these kids. And to see their love and beauty and to give them Jesus. I am prone to do that, more then I care to admit. If the doors opened right now, and someone dropped an extravagant amount of money to go to India or Nicaragua or Uganda or Swaziland. I would get up and walk away from this in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, I love what I am doing right now. I love school, I love studying. But my heart is prone to wander. I would choose being without shower for weeks, not a sanitary piece of clothing in sight and a dirty old backpack any day. It's what my heart was made for. I am prone to wander, Lord I feel it. So maybe, I cannot see how I am prone to leave God. Just up and walk away from Him and His character. I am too much in love with Him to do that. But prone to leave his calling on my life? Sure. Prone to do something his has not yet called me to? Gladly. 

That fact is frightening. 

I can see where Robert was coming from in authoring this song. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. 

I think Robert must have thought similarly. He starts by singing to the father, and how much he loved him. "Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love."

He had stumbled upon the immense love of his father. He had found it. He wasn't leaving. He praises Jesus for coming and seeking him as a stranger.

Those parts aren't difficult for him. 

It is the third stanza that gets us. He addresses God as Lord for the first time in the song. That's what trips us all up.

I will follow you to the ends of the earth! I proclaim. Because Jesus commanded that. It is easy. 

But will I follow you 3 minutes from my house to my place of employment and share you there where it is harder?

Will I follow Him to my Christian campus and disciple the ones he has laid on my heart?
Will I allow myself to be a disciple?
Will I do the hard task of learning to love here where it is the most difficult?

I am prone to wander. Today I talked to a lady who is from Germany and has traveled to 33 countries. I was immediately in love with her story and her adventure and her travel. I am already devising in my head ways for me to get up and go this summer. What countries could I explore, what cities could I find?
But most of all, I want Jesus to be there with me.
And again, I find myself in this place where his goodness is greater then my desires. Again I find myself in this place where He whispers, "Leah, the heart of man plans his way, But it is I who establishes your steps."

Jesus, you can have this heart. You can have this heart that so much wants to go and be everywhere at once. You can have my obedience and you can have my submission, I trust that you are good in what you do. I trust that when I trust in you with all my heart, you will give me the desires of my heart. I trust that when you change my desires it is for the best.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.

for the love of the Church.

There we were. Singing praises under thatch roof in the church with no walls. Some were standing because of the lack of chairs, some were singing in English, some in Spanish. Some were white, some were Hispanic. But we were one. We were together and united. When we had arrived earlier that week, we had little idea of how much we would fall in love with those beautiful people that redefined church from a building to a people. We arrived and the Pastor told his church, 'imitate them, as the church imitated Paul.' How weighty a command. Did our lives image what he told his church to do? Were we worthy enough of that calling?
That church did not receive. They gave everything they had. Food, Love and Jesus. We walked home to home in that little community and invited them to our events and sat with them and told them our stories. We played with them and shared Jesus with them. The neighbors came and they made a church. Goodbyes were hard, because although we knew them for the span of a week, we were reunited with our body. We were the same.
Hidden behind a billboard at the intersection on the highway, lied a real and stunning church.

And then I came home.

I got on an airplane and flew the miles and landed in America. I went to church expecting to see the beauty and the love and the community. But all I saw were the lights and cheap decorations.
I went to church hoping to hear encouragement and truth and Gospel, but all I heard was gossip and shallowness. I went and I was disappointed. (DISCLAIMER: please read to the end to know where I'm coming from.)
My heart was broken, for half of it was with the churches I've seen in Nicaragua and the other half for the churches in India, and none of my heart was left for this church here in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
I saw community. We talked real, we shared our struggles and we didn't leave each other to fend for themselves, we worked through things together while washing our clothes by hand or walking down the windy streets of foreign countries. We faced the tough stuff together. Together we found healing. Together we were one in Christ.
But God's words came clear back in Lancaster.

"Leah, have eyes to see." This command has been many-sided. You've read previous blogs about God giving me eyes to see. I didn't know what else my eyes could see. I have seen so many things. I have seen too many things. I have seen heartache and I have seen joy. I have seen beautifully broken people. I have seen them.
Lord, I have seen enough.
"Leah, have eyes to see."
Today, I saw. In a sudden moment at a church event today, I saw it all. I saw small churches in India with Pastor Shakespeare leading American worship, Indian style and laughter until there were tears. I saw community in a maxicab as we had worship on high and we sang together as one. I saw churches big and small in Nicaragua giving the Gospel away to all. I have seen the church in my small community of YWAM giving love in more ways then I've ever known.
I have seen the church.
"The church is here too." Jesus said.
I'm tempted to say that we lost Jesus in the sounds and the lights. I'm tempted to say we've lost Jesus in our weekly tithes and our long sermons. I'm tempted to say we have lost Jesus in our ritual and our Sundays.

But we haven't lost Jesus.

He is here. I see him as I look around my church with lights and decorations and long sermons. I see a people. I see deep and real people among the fake. I see people who love the Lord so deeply and and are finding Jesus here, in this place. They give themselves, the hurt and broken parts of themselves and they say "here I am Lord." They encourage each other and love each other and fight for each other. The church is here, it's just harder to see. I have to look deeper.
And in my fight with myself to leave the church, I have fallen in love with her. I am the Church. The Church is part of my body.
"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:29)
How can I hate what is a part of me? If the Church is broken then, I am also at fault. If the Church is not thriving, how can I betray her? We have our flaws, we do not match what I have seen elsewhere. But a wise woman told me today, 'God is sovereign over this church too."
Jesus is still here. He is sovereign over this western church. We have flaws, we get distracted by our sounds and our lights and the best way to share the Gospel, but there is still a real people within the Church. The church is not the building, the Church is not where you go. The church is you. The church is your interaction with your neighbors. The Church is Global. God's character is within the off-beat chaotic churches in India, his character is in the churches run by teachers and principles. His character is in the honesty and vulnerability. His character is in the hidden churches in Communist countries. His character is displayed in the dancing charismatic churches and in the churches with no instruments and services in other languages.
The church is exactly what Christ intended it to be, unique, beautiful and His; an UNIFIED body who LOVES their neighbor, CARES for the poor, DISCIPLES the world. It is not my place to hate her, but to work together with each part of the Body to make her better, to work as one to present ourselves to Christ, blameless and acceptable.

The Church is not perfect, but I suppose that is something that comes with the sinfulness of our human nature. I suppose our imperfections are all different. But we are the Bride of Christ, we are the body of Christ. We are his and he loves us. Why should I act as if I don't belong to the very thing He created me to be apart of? Why should I act as if He does not love the Church?

A Legacy Well Lived

What is a legacy?
What is ninety-one long years of legacy and love and beauty?
What if that life started out as a small-town conservative short Christian girl? What if that small girl fell in love with a good man and they remained married for almost 70 long and beautiful years?
What if he had his own small business and they didn't have a lot of money but they had so much love? What about when they stay in love through the ups and the downs and ninety-one years later that small town girl can look at you and say she doesn't remember a single fight?
Is that a legacy?
When they raise eight amazing children that change the world, is that a legacy? Two of them became missionaries, one is in fulltime ministry, others when onto love their children deeply. Creating a legacy of 33 grandchildren and even more great grandchildren.

A legacy doesn't have to change the world, and we never think of our legacy while we are alive and thriving and creating it under our feet. We don't think of that, no, instead we live vivaciously, love passionately and give beautifully.
We change lives one by one, moment by moment. And the world blinks and somehow it is a little different because of the way some lives just kiss the whole world.

Almost 70 years ago a man named Irvin swept a small town girl named Mabel off her feet and the love of a lifetime was lived. He owned a small business and they made it in this world. Together.
The legacy my grandparents left was one of immense love and one that must be followed after.

When my grandfather died a little over a year ago, I learned just how he changed his little community of Lancaster County. I learned how his one small life impacted so many lives in my giant family.
Over 100 lives, because of their love.

Yesterday, my grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep. How beautiful her reunion must be with her beloved husband now in Heaven.
Death doesn't hurt as much this late in life, we are all so joyfully that she is with her Savior and husband after a long faithful life.
I wonder sometimes, how death sometimes is so gentle in His ways, so giving.
If Death were personified, I think his job must be very hard, coming and stealing and inflicting pain upon unbeknownst hearts.
But times like this, his job must be so tender, to bring faithful people into the arms of their Savior.
So Grandma Miller, Grandpa Miller, we will miss you and our hearts will wait for the day we will be reunited, but enjoy the rest as you are given the full reward of your faithful life.

Thank you.

The Gospel is Revolutionary: Part 1

Fifth grade camp is a myriad of endless questions and repeated answers. It is shared looks with other counselors as you listen to the life-altering dramas of fifth graders. It is silly songs at the top of your lungs around a campfire because I'm 20, but that's what I do.
"Leah, what are we doing next?" "Leah, can I go to the pool during free time?" "Leah, can I go to the bathroom?" Leah, Leah, Leah... to the point where I contemplate changing my name so they can't find me.
But Clarissa's joy and Taylor's smile remind me why I do what I do.
My campers may whine more then any child in the entire universe, but when that child grabs my hand and says to me so quietly, "Leah, I think I know what I want to do when I grow up."
"What's that?" I reply.
She looks up at me with those eyes so desperate for love, but filled with so much trust, and says, "I want to be a missionary."
My heart melts.
Thursday night, as the evening commences and the invitation to know Jesus is looming on the horizon, I pray for my girls. And as I flip through my Bible, I stumble upon the revolutionary passage that blows all the words we've been learning this week out of the water.

1 Corinthians 15:36 What you sow does not come to life unless it dies...What is sown is perishable, what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power.

These seeds that have been sown this week are only valuable if they die. These seeds that tell these children that the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our lord. These seeds I have been planting faithfully about the fruits of the spirit as I desperately pray these girls will learn to love and see how kindness changes all. These seeds won't matter unless they die. Unless these seeds recieve the light of the Son and the Living Water my work here will have been in vain. 

But praise be to God that he will make these seeds alive. His love is deep and great and wide. 

I watched the seeds come to life. 

The counselors head to the side of this perfect outdoor chapel and the pastor speaks to these kids who come from so many different scenarios and backgrounds about a hope that will meet them wherever they have been. 

And 2 of my girls stand up and walk to where I'm standing. Our prayers worked. Two of my campers who have never heard the gospel before ask this Jesus that they've only known for a week into their heart, stepping out in faith that he will meet them exactly where they are. They believe that simple truth that so many of us adults try to weigh down with laws and rules and chains: but God demonstrates his great love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. And that if we believe in our hearts that Jesus is lord and confess with or mouths that God raised us from the dead we will be saved. That's it. 

The simplicity of this gospel is revolutionary. 

With a childlike faith lets embark on this journey together that all we need is a childlike faith that God will meet us right where we are at. He will turn these dead seeds into something beautiful. 

Because the gospel is not what you've heard. 

It is revolutionary. 

i count it all as loss.

The prayer was true and loud and meaningful.
"I give you everything. I surrender all. You can have all of me for what you want me to do and where you want me to go."
The prayer was rich. I had no idea where it would take me, but I meant it with everything inside of me.

But whatever gain I had... My dreams. Money. Friends. Jobs. Family. Everything that makes me, me. Everything that has defined me and drawn me to this moment.
I count as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I count these things as loss? These things that are so difficult to let go of, I count as loss. These things that in the eyes of the world mean everything, I count as loss. All these dreams I have to go and change the world and travel the nations and love deeply. I count as loss. All this money I have saved and put away, I count as loss. The place itself that taught me to count it all as loss, I count as loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him. 
He has asked of me something that comes as a huge sacrifice; my dream.
For me, it was so easy to lay down everything to go to the mission field. It came naturally, traveling to foreign places, eating disgusting things, unaware of the definition of home. It was natural. It was what I loved. Sitting in trash with orphans, laughing and playing with children who didn't know what love even meant. This was where my heart was at. This is what my heart was made for.
indeed I count everything as loss because of the worth of Jesus.
Do I count these things as loss? It is the biggest loss, the rip between my heart and another. The sacrifice of relationship is huge for me. It leaves gaping wounds and hurts I don't want to confront. Deep and beautiful friendships where our hearts are knit at the soul, how can I let go?
i count as loss for the sake of Christ.
Now, my friends are scattered around the world. The friends I served with, the ones who helped heal my broken heart, the ones I've prayed with and allowed into the depths of my soul. These friends who have walked beside me and showed me my passions and taught me what it means to be free.
These friends, I release.
I read a quote yesterday that perfectly described the missionary life: "your life is more full of hello's, I love you's, and goodbyes than any other life I cant think of right now. It would be easier if it was the first and the last but the I love you's make the last a dagger every time." That was something I was willing to count as loss for the Lord. But now He was asking me to give it to Him for longer than I could see.
For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith, that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings becoming like him in his death that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
I count it loss so I may gain Him. Nothing is mine. My dreams do not belong to me, my money is not mine, it is all His. I prayed that prayer where I gave it all to Him. I gave Him my obedience.
And now, the obedience looks like turning away from all I've ever desired. For the moment, turning away from the missionary life. My tiny moment in the missionary life planted passions in me that I cannot run from. It gave me passions for seeing people come alive and for showing people how to heal. I know my passions now. And Jesus, my beautiful Lover, looks at me in all His goodness and asks me a question I am inadequate to answer, "Do you trust me?" It takes me so much longer then it should to answer Him.
Do I trust Him?
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 
He has made me His. I press on to make this one fact true: I trust Jesus unconditionally. I press on because He has made me belong to Him. This fact alone leads me to obedience. He loves me so greatly, how can I give him anything less? No matter how long it takes, he can have my whole heart.
I will choose to follow Him anywhere. He has called me to college, which seems to me a place that is exactly opposite of everything I want to be. How can I show people how to come alive? How can I teach people about healing and freedom?
His voice speaks over my worry, "Leah, I am going to continue to make you come alive so you can show others how to come alive."
I understand. Coming alive isn't a once and done action. It is something I will continually get to experience forever. So much life will keep blossoming. I will enter into another season of coming alive so I can better equip others. This season is about to blossom me so I can fully give everything you want me to give.
I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I will forget what lies behind. I will not long for the past and the wondrous works God did back then. I will keep my feet firmly planted in the here and now. I will set my eyes on Jesus and all other things will grow strangely dim. All other things will fall out of my view.

Count the cost, follow Jesus. It's different for us all. For you, it might be sacrificing comfort, money and stability to give so others can go. It might be sacrificing those things so you can go.
It might be overcoming your fear of being seen and being a voice for the voiceless. Maybe you're like me, maybe counting the cost and following Jesus is doing exactly what He wants you to do. Maybe it's leaving the mission field for a while so He can shape you and grow so your work will be more fulfilled. I don't know what it is for you. But I encourage to follow Jesus with every step. He is good and He has every best intention for your heart. He is calling you. Count it all as loss so that you can know Christ Jesus, the One who has made you His own.