4 verses for 2015.

525,600 Minutes. What goes into a year?
 Is it the moments that take our breath away?
Is it the laughter with friends?

Is it the breath-taking beauty of nature?

How is it that when we peel back the memories and the scaly skin of time, we discover true love and beauty in the midst of the hurts and the pain?
Where in the midst of a year do we find meaning?

This year was slower in the adventures. I didn't get any new stamps in my passport, but it was an adventure of the heart. I played with children all day with the best job a girl could ask for. I traveled to the foreign land of Arkansas, I flew on a plane for the first time all by myself. I applied to college and completed my first semester at college. I bought my first car. And most importantly God, changed my heart. At the end of this year I hope I can say, I'm a little more sanctified and a little more filled with Jesus.

4 Important verses for 2015.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamentations 3:35
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14
At the start of this year, there was no direction in my life. I didn't know what I was doing and I had no idea where I would be at the end of this year. My heart's desire was to be a missionary somewhere. But that was not God's plan. I am amazed at the lessons I learned in waiting. Some days the waiting was so much I was scared I might let go of God, my faith. It was on those days that God was good to me, and spoke to my restless heart. And Lamentations is right, the Lord IS good to those who wait for him. He was good to me. In his timing, in his way he spoke to me about my future.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 27:4
Oh my, do I understand this verse now. The desires of my heart at the beginning of this year were much different then they are now. This verse does not say, "Tell the Lord your desires and then delight in the manifestation of them." It says FIRST and foremost, Delight yourself in the Lord. This year, I learned what it means to delight yourself in the Lord. Even when it's hard, even when you want to let go and give up. Even when you don't see what He is doing. And then he will give you the desires of your heart. The thing is though, that when you delight yourself in Him, He has a way of changing your desires for his glory. The beginning of the year, I wanted desperately to be a missionary with YWAM fulltime. After I learned to give Him my whole life, my desires shifted as he sifted through my heart.


Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:16
There are gifts that are too deep for words. Gifts that God gives us when we don't even ask, but He knows we need. Gifts that we aren't even looking for, and suddenly we don't know what we would do without. My need was a soul friend. My need was a friend who would understand me here in Lancaster. And God provided a friend for me, for this year, who flipped the loneliness I was feeling upside down. I am grateful for that gift of the Lord and how he sees even the needs I am completely unaware of.


 He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Finally, God showed me his faithfulness repeatedly. He provided me a car when mine gave up. He provided me adventure when my heart couldn't take anymore mundane. He is continually providing money for me to go to college. I have a lot of dreams for 2016 and along with the dreams, a lot of worries.. But He has called me. And HE IS FAITHFUL.

So what goes into a year?
It is the daily adventure of following Jesus wherever he takes me. From nannying to college. From Arkansas to Kentucky. From youth group to Starbucks. The moments that make up a year are filled with the people that touch our lives and we touch in return. The beauty that is bottled up in a sand timer is wonderful and dreadful, but so worth it.
As I step uncertainly into another year, I am confident only in the fact that the ground I am stepping on is steady because Jesus is holding my hand. Wherever I go, whatever I face, He is right here by my side. And for that I am forever grateful.

we have seen a great light.

"The People who walked in Darkness have seen a great light."

Isaiah 9:2

The shepherds are the first, most obvious recipients of this promise. Night after night, these shephereds ritualistically watched the sheep. Nothing exciting ever happened, except for an predator scare every once in a while, or on the rare night they saw a shooting star. But one night, these people who walked in darkness saw a great light. An angel of the Lord appeared to them and told them the good news of the birth of their Savior. 

How wonderful!

How marvelous! 

They immediately leapt to their feet, forgetting the sheep, forgetting their responsiblilites, only thinking of how their lives were about to change. 

Mary and Joseph were also recipients of this promise. We fail to think of them in that capacity. The unsuspecting virgin, we often equate her to a clueless teenage girl, but I believe this girl had the most courageous faith. Her faith caused her to find favor with God and carry his son for 9 months. This is not a task given to just anyone. Joseph, a simple carpenter, about to become father also was filled with faith. He had to trust God unconditionally that Mary was telling the truth. He believed God enough to disregard the opinions of everyone around him who thought Mary was breaking the Law. She should be stoned to death. 

But when this gentle, courageous mother, met eyes with her Son for the first time, she saw a great light. When this quiet, faithful father held his Son for the first time, He saw a great light.

We are recipients of this promise. If it wasn't for that Baby where would I be? That baby grew up to be the wonderful counselor, prince of peace, almighty God, and our everlasting Father. 

Without that baby I would still be buried in a graveyard of my sin. Without that baby I would still be separated from God by a deep cavern called Hell. Without that birth on a quiet night, in a small stable in Bethlehem, I would be lost, isolated and alone. Without that Child, who would grow up to be the greatest Man who ever walked this earth, my life would be meaningless. Without that Man, who lived a perfect, sinless life, and sacrificed himself on a cross to appease the wrath of God, I would have no righteousness before God himself. And if that man did not rise again three days later, I would not be alive again. Without that baby, there would be no wonderful counselor, there would be no prince of peace, there would be no everlasting father. 

Without that baby, who is Christ the Lord, this life is not worth it. 

All my hope boils down to one thing: Jesus Christ. From the simple complexity of his birth to the humility of his death, my hope weighs on Jesus. Because of Him I see how I have walked in darkness. And now I see a great light. How grateful I am.

How marvelous.

How wonderful. 

I'm thankful for his birth. I'm thankful for his death. I'm thankful for the time in between. 

1 Corinthians 6:15-16

He who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unnaproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen. 

come and see what God has done.

Writer's block has plagued me hard within the past few weeks. The words haven't flowed. I wanted to find all the right words to express my many emotions this Christmas season, but I am struck with the simplicity of the Gospel. My poem, Come and see what God has done, is inspired by Lauren Daigel's new song Noel. Click the link below to listen.

Lauren Daigel - Noel

A baby,

swaddled in cloths,

sleeping on hay.

This boy: the greatest gift,

given to a courageous mother,

a simple father,

to us.

How can this be?

This baby, 

answers prophecies of old.

This child, 

hope incarnate. 

This tiny one,

with love radiating from his infant face,

will shake history. 

To the lost,

he will guide.

To the lonely,

he will comfort.

To the broken,

He will mend.

To the sick,

He will heal.

To the dead,

He will raise.

To the empty,

He will fill.

To the sinful, 

he will clean.

How can this be?

come and see what God has done,

Hope is ALIVE.

Hope is HERE.

Hope is lying in a manger.

Love is wrapped in swaddled cloths.

Peace is looking a virgin mother in the eye.

come and see what God has done,

this baby is called

Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace,

Immanuel.

come and see what God has done,

Jesus is his name,

God is with us.

Isaiah 7:14, 9:6

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be on his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

Supernova

Supernova

My heart races at the speed of light.

My thoughts swirl in my head lacking in sense.

Words flow out of my mouth missing vocabulary.

My restlessness is chaos.

Winter air falls gently over the land.

Promising snow, promising peace.

Brisk air envelopes me in tranquility.

The lights of Christmas,

the joy of the season gives rest.

The promises are shalom.

My discontent is creating a gossip out of me.

Bitterness is planted as a seed in my heart.

Questions of God's goodness and love

grow like weeds in me.

Something must change.

"Be still," He says. "Listen to me," He whispers.

His hand that holds the entirety of the universe

touches my heart and I can breathe.

His heart that loves unconditionally stops

this anarchy in my mind.

The paradox of this curious reality

is that I am mess

and You are order.

When I spin like a tornado,

bringing destruction to everything in my wake,

You are.

A peace that silences the questions,

calms the storm

and breaks the disillusions.

This collision of peaceful serenity

and my restless soul is creating a supernova.

Because when chaos meets harmony,

and love meets apathy,

fears are stilled,

restlessness replaced with content.

I am chaos,

You are harmony.

Silence my fears,

still my restlessness. 

Content my heart. 

Love Earnestly

I had done the unthinkable. I was touching the untouchable. And she smiled.
In that moment there were no cultural differences. It did not matter who she was, or where she had come from, it only mattered that she was loved.

We had just ended our church service in a small brick room in India. I looked around and my team members were talking to and praying with the congregants. As my eyes swept across the room, they almost passed a tiny little old lady in a red Sari. I was compelled to go to her.
I sat down next to her on the hard floor without a translator. 
This small woman immediately started speaking in Tamil. As I listened, she touched her hands and her arms and her legs and her face.
She had tumors all over her body. I don't know if that qualified her as a leper, or if it just made the people not come near, but she was lonely and unloved.
As she spoke, she took my hand and placed it to her face. I whispered one of the few Indian words I knew, "Alagou." -- "You are beautiful." I continued to brush my fingers along her bumpy legs and arms. She pulled her Sari above her knees and showed me more. 
When I finally got a translator to come to me, I shared with her the story of the woman who touched Jesus' garment and was healed. I told her that Jesus saw her as valuable and important. She pulled me close for a hug and didn't let go. 



Recently, I haven't been able to get the memory out of my head. A prayer I don't understand has been swelling in my heart.
The world right now is in chaos. And by some beautiful act of God, the world is coming to our doorsteps. And maybe I'm just another voice to fall silent on the conversation of refugees and borders.
But I want the refugees to come. If I can't go to them, because of closed doors and life circumstance, maybe they will come to us. Maybe God has finally had enough of our excuses to not go to these unreached people groups and He brought them to us.
How beautiful is that? How wonderful is He?

When I was given the opportunity to love this women, it did not cross my mind that maybe she was alone for a reason, maybe she was a leper, maybe her disease was contagious. In the same way, we ought not to be afraid of the people fleeing terror. We need only love.
My hope and my prayer is that when I meet a refugee, I won't be fearful, instead I will give them all my love as Jesus did. I pray that as a Christian, I will faithfully live up to the call of Christ, to love the orphans, care for the widows, touch the untouchables.
Sure, they are different.
Sure, they see the world differently then me.
Sure, I do not understand the pain they have endured.
But I have Jesus.

And if he is going to bring these people to us, then let Him be Sovereign.
Who am I to question God and beg him not to bring His image to us? Who am I to tell God, this will put me in danger? Who am I when Jesus says, "pray for those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse."
I wonder, are we blessing?
or are we cursing?
We have been blessed, has it been enough for us to learn how to give it in return?

This is not a matter of politics, it is a matter of the heart. If you afraid, tell the Lord. If you are withholding due to selfishness, confess. Then thank the Lord for this beautiful opportunity to give the Gospel to the world in your own backyard.

1 Peter 4:7-13
"The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self controlled and sober minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves as one who serves by the strength that God supplies - in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To Him belong glory and dominion forever. Amen.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."

Be Holy, for I am Holy

"Be holy, for, I am holy."

There was no trespassing on holy ground with a call to remove my sandals. There was no loud thunder and bright lightning and clouds covering a mountaintop. There was no burning coal touched to my lips to purify me.

There was only God.

And he asked of me the simplest of tasks. Just one week for him. Who knew it could be so hard to give up social media and things that do not glorify Him?

The words within the passage that has brought such comfort, the words within the passage that says, "You have been called to be born again to a living hope... to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled and unfading...in this you rejoice, though you have been grieved by various trials...so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold...though you do not see him you love him...you were ransomed...so that your faith and hope are in God. (1 Peter 1-- I encourage you to read the whole thing, this is only captions of the gem.)

It is within this passage that quotes the Book we all dread: Leviticus.

In this book of laws and stipulations and strange rules about discharges and what to do if your cow kills a person, there is a resounding theme, "I am holy." Why does it matter if I eat pig or grasshoppers? "Because I am holy." Why does it matter if I take 66 days instead of 54 days to cleanse myself after giving birth to a girl? "Because I am holy."

Obviously these laws are not in effect any longer, but the message is. God is still holy. The reason He called the Hebrews to such strange rules that we will never understand in this culture, was to call them to be different from their surroundings. He was calling them to be his nation, holy and royal. If they did not look different, how would they be a blessing to those around them??

"Be holy, for I am holy."
The words leaped off the page. All the things God showed me this week as I sacrificed something that has clearly become an idol began to make sense.
 Don't gossip. Why? Because it hurts his heart. Because He is holy.
Be vulnerable. Why? Because he has called me to be different, free. Because he is holy.
Love. Why? Because he is holy.

Maybe it has taken too long to understand, but Romans 12:1-2 says "Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed but the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

I don't have to offer sacrifices of burnt offerings anymore, because Jesus covered my sin and because my life is my living sacrifice. Do not be conformed to this world, God says.

Why?
"Because I am holy."

let me see redemption win.

Let me see redemption win. 

My heart is an ocean and the waves ebb and flow, the salty water stings against wounds that I still haven't let the King heal. My heart still holds remnants of brokenness and hurts that resurface in the strangest of ways.

 One part of my ocean is calm and there is happiness on the shore. The sun is shining and there is joy and laughter and growth. There is newness and love and life-

 but on the other side the storm clouds still hold heavy, pulling the tides closer and closer to my sandcastle that I've built so high. There is pride in my sand castle, it is strong. It is my greatest accomplishment. I show the people, "See, look what I've built. Look what I've done. Look at who I am."
"We can rebuild," the King whispers in my ear. He is trustworthy, He always has been since I've given him the throne of my heart. And yet, it is so hard to believe that we could rebuild this. He reminds me of the other side of the ocean. We rebuilt that together. He reminds me how tragic that shore had once looked and now their was joy. 

"Give me this side too." The King says. 

If he is truly my King, I would let him have this part of my ocean too. 

I say okay.

As if on cue, the wave comes and crashes around my castle that I have carefully built. As I watch it crumble, I realize it's strength was a facade, a simple lie held together by beauty and words. I turn and hide my head in my King's chest. I grab a fistful of his shirt as I let the tears flow again, because surrender is so hard and so relieving at the same time. I lean on his strength, I rest in His arms. I let Him hold me.
He lifts me and carries me back to the other beach. "Rest here, trust me to rebuild." 

How can I trust him to do this?? How can I give him the thing that I have been waiting for so long? How do I trust him when all I can say is, "let me see redemption win!"
How do I trust him when all the things I thought were okay are not?

This is familiar territory, this place with secret hurts and walls that I still possess. This place that I find myself in is so familiar. That's how I can trust him. That's it.
I've seen this before, I've done this before. I've known this place.
He was faithful before, He will be faithful again. I look at the place where my sandcastle once stood, and I sigh. All I see now is the sand sparking in the sunset as if I hadn't slaved for so long to protect one last part of me.
I breathe out trust.

Let me see redemption win.
"I will show you, daughter, in a new, unexpected way. I will show you in the way you are not expecting. Let me be the redeemer. And you will see redemption win."

thoughts.

The world is in disarray. Chaos is all around. Phones keep beeping and eyes keep straying. Relationships are being shattered by a handheld thief. So much dispute over laws and how a country should be run. Abraham Lincoln said it two hundred years ago, "a house divided against itself cannot stand." We attack one another with words about our beliefs saying tolerance is the only way, all the while in-tolerating one another. We have extremities but not compromises and absolutely no love. If you do not believe what I believe we cannot be friends, we say. The words we hurl are like bullets.  Women and children are being raped and killed daily thousands of miles away. People are dying to their belief because a group holds knives to their necks and gives them a chance to turn. "Do you follow Jesus Christ?" They say.

The world is in chaos. We are falling apart. 

The temptation is to withdraw and pretend it doesn't exist. The temptation is to pick a side and tear others down if it's not your side. 

The temptation is crippling fear. 

None of these are the solution. 

While praying the other day, I felt the immensity of the Lord's broken heart. I could feel his tears as I imagined Him looking out over the earth and whispering, "you've missed the point, my children." 

As a Christian, my job is not to hunt down, steal, kill and destroy the ones who disagree with me. As a Christian, my job is not to force my Bible down anyone's throat. As a Christian, it is not my role to change anyone's heart. 

My part to play is to follow Jesus. 

Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly. He never forced his way upon others. He looked at them in the mess of their sin with deep love. And made them valuable. The woman at the well in midday, feeling overwrought with shame. He chose to value her and tell her of his immense love for her and the life he could give her. Addressing the sins when she knew who she was to him. 

He told Zacchaeus he was coming to his house. He dined and enjoyed life with a sinner. Out of that expression of love, Zacchaeus was convicted of his sins and gave everything back he stole from people and gave to the poor.
Jesus stopped condemners from throwing stones at an adulterous woman. He said, "Where are your condemners? Neither do I condemn you."
If Jesus made others drop the stones and being the only one who had a right to pick a stone, wrote her value in the sand and set the woman free then why are we hurling stones?

Who are you to hurl a stone?

Romans 1 has been speaking to my heart during this tumultuous time.
Please, I ask you to read the whole thing.

16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith,[e] as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.”[f]

18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.19 For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20 For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world,[g] in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. 21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

24 Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, 25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

26 For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; 27 and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

28 And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. 29 They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents,31 foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32 Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

God spoke to me about knowing my belief. But first He led me to this passage. Right in there with homosexuality He also talks about envy, gossip, deceit, pride, disobedient to parents.

Romans 3 says “None is righteous, no, not one;

11     no one understands;
    no one seeks for God.

As a Christian the only reason I am not condemned by these things is because I am drowning in grace.

Every. Single. Sin. Is Covered in Grace.

Not one sin is excluded from that standard. It is nothing that I have done, nothing that you have done. It is everything that God has done. Please, heart, stop condemning.

We must not approach other sins, as though we are righteous by our works and holier than thou. We must approach them as a sinner saved by grace and extend the only love we have ever been given. We are called to love deeply as Jesus loved. There are no exceptions. We are to walk out in the life that Jesus has offered, abundant and new. We are to be vulnerable and share our struggles and sins so others may see our lives as a testimony. 

We have to stop letting our testimonies be a story of perfection but a story of perfect redemption. 

Our churches must stop being a sanctuary for the holy, but a hospital for the broken.

Yes, sin is wrong and must be addressed, but condemnation from a Christian is worse, it turns the unbeliever far away. 

1 Peter 3:15 says "But in your hearts honor Christ as Lord, as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and respect."

First and foremost, we are to know what we believe.

Secondly, we are to love as immensely as Jesus did, not seeing sin, but seeing the value of the person.  God is in no rush. He values relationship so deeply, He will wait until that person is ready to see His Face. Condemnation from a Christian will turn that person even further away from the Gospel. 

When the relationship is established, and that person sees your deep relationship with God, they will begin to ask questions about how hopeful you are in a decrepit world. They will begin to wonder why you are different they every other Christian they see. They will notice that you are different then the churches, and maybe, the name Christian means something different then the standard it has lived up to. Soon, they will see Jesus, and once they see Jesus in you, then and only then will He speak through you as they see a life bigger than themselves. Then your words will be valid to them. 

Discipleship is not a one moment thing, it happens out of relationship.

I didn't want to write this blog, but it flows from me the way things do when God is speaking. I know I must. Facebook is filled with condemnations and convictions and beliefs. But it is definitely not filled with Jesus. I'm not saying my words are correct, and I'm not saying you need to believe me. What I'm saying is that you need to open your Bible and figure it out for yourself. Open the word, and honestly study these topics. Ask God to speak to you through the Bible. Be open to conviction. Be open to change. Know without a shadow of a doubt how God says this issue should be addressed. Stop condemning, stop accepting, and ask the One who knows how to deal with everything. 

Cats, Red Cups and Netflix

I don't know about you, but I have had enough of the red cups.

Tonight I was talking to my friend and she is quite the wise woman. I asked her if she liked country music and she told me the Lord convicted her of it. Personal choices. But the part that got to me was how willing she is to obey the Lord in anything and everything she does.
The Lord spoke to me tonight and convicted me through our conversation.

What would it look like for me to give it all? What would it be like if I actually surrendered all to the Lord?

Am I willing to sacrifice my language? My money? My music? My phone? Or even worse, Netflix??

Am I really willing to lay it all down for Jesus?
He challenged me. One Week.

Just one week of no netflix, no facebook, no instagram no pinterest, no things that steal my time.
Because I don't know about you, but I'm tired of reading about red cups and seeing videos of cats that are only stealing my time and attention away from the Lord. I'm tired of watching Netflix for hours upon end and still not having answers at the end. I'm tired of wasting my time and walking into a classroom and seeing heads turned down distracted by a tiny screen that shatters relationships. I'm so tired of that. And I miss Jesus much.

One week. Of Jesus and things that glorify him.
Am I willing to surrender all?

Are you with me?

called to be free.

If you hold to my teachings, you really are my disciples, then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

Oh how we endlessly seek for the truth. So many people, so many religions, wondering, yearning, dying for the truth.
The people claim that there is no such thing as absolute truth, but they are willing to stand on that hill and die for the truth that there is no absolute truth.
This does not make sense.

Here I am though, claiming to know absolute truth, and yet sometimes I wonder, what is this great and glorious truth.

Christ said to us, "I am the truth."

That is revolutionary. Jesus is truth embodied. So it all makes sense in this verse that Jesus spoke to my heart. Then you will know the truth (ME!) and the truth (I!) will set you free. 

So when I try my hardest to be free of the hurts and fears and struggles and temptations, I'll never be free when I'm seeking some mystical truth.

Galatians 5:1 says It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then! Do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery... You were called to be free.

Freedom comes from knowing Jesus.

We wrestle too much with what the truth is, when the truth is standing right in front of us, inviting us into a relationship with Him. But we miss it because we are too busy searching for something else.

They are the same, when we know Jesus, the truth becomes clear to us. And when we know the truth, freedom is clear, sinning is impossible. My goal, then, is not to stop sinning, my goal ultimately is to know Jesus.
That truth alone will compel me to lay down my sin and serve Christ in freedom.

I was called to be free.
It is for freedom that I have been set free.

When I know Jesus, he sets me free.

Joy of Obedience

We have this phrase as Christians that says, "If God calls me to that, I will never do it!" or, "I pray that God never calls me there..."

Be careful what you pray for, because God might just do the opposite.

Once I told God I never wanted to go to college. I told people that if God called me to college, I would hate it, and I probably wouldn't go. That was before I knew him well.
Two years ago when I told God those things, He knew that just two short years later he would call me to college. And that is what makes him so good. He met me exactly where I was at.
My heart that was filled with wander and a deep lust to travel this whole world, he met. My heart that said it was fine and knew God so well, He took. And in those moments where He met me in my deepest need and my deepest desire, I fell in love with JESUS.
The beauty of God is how He takes our hearts and molds us and shapes us without the slightest knowledge.
While I was off gallivanting across the world, I gave my heart to Jesus. I told him He can have my heart and take it wherever he wants. (In secret hopes that he would send me back.)
And as he healed my heart, he put it back together with some new and greater desires.

Two years later, I'm in college. By choice. In joy. I never would have thought those words would come out of my heart. But the joy that comes in obedience blossoms out of following Christ whole-hearted.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

We think this verse means that God will give us all we want. But the first half, delight yourself in the Lord, As we do that task, as we delight in him, as I delighted in him, the desires of my heart became God's desires.

And now, as I go to school and work and live the busiest schedule I have known, The joy of following Christ became a joy in obedience. And it frightens me to admit that my dreams are changing too. My desires are morphing to something more holy, something more fearful.
The direction of my dreams are completely different then they were 2 years ago, but that's the beauty and the joy that comes out of knowing Christ. He is so good to me. He is so good to us.
I sat across the table from my friend the other week and she told me how God is taking her on a completely different route then she ever would have imagined. It's because she has delighted herself in the Lord. God's desires have become hers.

Allegory of a Tree

She took pride in her strength, but she forgot there was beauty in letting go.

In some ways, the tree was like me. She stood tall, and many people came to her and leaned on her strength. It was easy to feed on what they said, it was easy to blossom under their words of elevating her beauty. But the thing was, there was something different under those leaves. Her branches twisted in seemingly painful ways. One stood straight to the heavens, but the other leaned. The way it leaned towards the side was evidence of a storm that had wracked her body, it had changed her to the core. She hadn't grown leaves for years, but now, she was strong again. She had something to pride herself in. 

All the other trees were changing colors, but she wanted to remain different. She wanted to be the same. And that's when Jesus' words came to me...

As I looked up at that tree, basking in her beauty, his words were soft and true,

She took pride in her strength, but she forgot there was beauty in letting go.

What was I supposed to let go of?

The way I try so hard to hold all the things together, the way my pride exudes from the fact that I am holding it all together, that I am strong. But the beautiful people I meet, the ones I see are the ones whom capture my heart are the ones who have found the beauty in letting go. They have no hold on their life, because their entire life belongs to Jesus, they are beautiful because their is no mask and their leaves are breathtaking in the forms of the colors of change. Some of the leaves have fallen and exposed the way their branches are marred, but that is even more lovely. 

The beauty is when I allow the colors of change to flow through my life. And when I let go enough that others can see my vulnerability, they can see my imperfection, they can see the way that branch was twisted and ruined by that storm. But more importantly, they can see the art that arose from the way that branch was hurt, the art was God's healing. 

So unlike that tree, I'll choose to allow God to work his mighty works in my heart, and be changed for his glory. So that when people see my colorful leaves, they no longer see me, they see Him. 

prone to wander.

The story goes that the author of the famous hymn with the words that sing "prone to wander", did in fact wander. In the unfortunate story, his adventurous heart took him away from the God he loved, but the question remains if this man returned to the fold of God. His words left deep truth for all of our wanderlust filled spirits to wonder about.

Prone to wander. I've taken these phrases out of context and used them for my heart that loves travel. I love to go, I love to wander, I love to find things that people have never seen before.
The rest of the stanza didn't seem relevant. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
I didn't feel as if I were prone to leaving the God I loved. I loved him, of course. Why would I leave him?
But the thing is, when I see these faces. My heart wanders. I wonder why I'm not there with them. I wonder why I'm not with the people of whom my heart desires the most. God has called me here, to Lancaster, PA for this season and it seems as though I will not get to travel to see faces like this for quite a while.

I am so prone to wander. I am prone to get up and walk away from obedience to what He has called me to in the here and now to get to these kids. And to see their love and beauty and to give them Jesus. I am prone to do that, more then I care to admit. If the doors opened right now, and someone dropped an extravagant amount of money to go to India or Nicaragua or Uganda or Swaziland. I would get up and walk away from this in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, I love what I am doing right now. I love school, I love studying. But my heart is prone to wander. I would choose being without shower for weeks, not a sanitary piece of clothing in sight and a dirty old backpack any day. It's what my heart was made for. I am prone to wander, Lord I feel it. So maybe, I cannot see how I am prone to leave God. Just up and walk away from Him and His character. I am too much in love with Him to do that. But prone to leave his calling on my life? Sure. Prone to do something his has not yet called me to? Gladly. 

That fact is frightening. 

I can see where Robert was coming from in authoring this song. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. 

I think Robert must have thought similarly. He starts by singing to the father, and how much he loved him. "Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love."

He had stumbled upon the immense love of his father. He had found it. He wasn't leaving. He praises Jesus for coming and seeking him as a stranger.

Those parts aren't difficult for him. 

It is the third stanza that gets us. He addresses God as Lord for the first time in the song. That's what trips us all up.

I will follow you to the ends of the earth! I proclaim. Because Jesus commanded that. It is easy. 

But will I follow you 3 minutes from my house to my place of employment and share you there where it is harder?

Will I follow Him to my Christian campus and disciple the ones he has laid on my heart?
Will I allow myself to be a disciple?
Will I do the hard task of learning to love here where it is the most difficult?

I am prone to wander. Today I talked to a lady who is from Germany and has traveled to 33 countries. I was immediately in love with her story and her adventure and her travel. I am already devising in my head ways for me to get up and go this summer. What countries could I explore, what cities could I find?
But most of all, I want Jesus to be there with me.
And again, I find myself in this place where his goodness is greater then my desires. Again I find myself in this place where He whispers, "Leah, the heart of man plans his way, But it is I who establishes your steps."

Jesus, you can have this heart. You can have this heart that so much wants to go and be everywhere at once. You can have my obedience and you can have my submission, I trust that you are good in what you do. I trust that when I trust in you with all my heart, you will give me the desires of my heart. I trust that when you change my desires it is for the best.

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.

for the love of the Church.

There we were. Singing praises under thatch roof in the church with no walls. Some were standing because of the lack of chairs, some were singing in English, some in Spanish. Some were white, some were Hispanic. But we were one. We were together and united. When we had arrived earlier that week, we had little idea of how much we would fall in love with those beautiful people that redefined church from a building to a people. We arrived and the Pastor told his church, 'imitate them, as the church imitated Paul.' How weighty a command. Did our lives image what he told his church to do? Were we worthy enough of that calling?
That church did not receive. They gave everything they had. Food, Love and Jesus. We walked home to home in that little community and invited them to our events and sat with them and told them our stories. We played with them and shared Jesus with them. The neighbors came and they made a church. Goodbyes were hard, because although we knew them for the span of a week, we were reunited with our body. We were the same.
Hidden behind a billboard at the intersection on the highway, lied a real and stunning church.

And then I came home.

I got on an airplane and flew the miles and landed in America. I went to church expecting to see the beauty and the love and the community. But all I saw were the lights and cheap decorations.
I went to church hoping to hear encouragement and truth and Gospel, but all I heard was gossip and shallowness. I went and I was disappointed. (DISCLAIMER: please read to the end to know where I'm coming from.)
My heart was broken, for half of it was with the churches I've seen in Nicaragua and the other half for the churches in India, and none of my heart was left for this church here in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
I saw community. We talked real, we shared our struggles and we didn't leave each other to fend for themselves, we worked through things together while washing our clothes by hand or walking down the windy streets of foreign countries. We faced the tough stuff together. Together we found healing. Together we were one in Christ.
But God's words came clear back in Lancaster.

"Leah, have eyes to see." This command has been many-sided. You've read previous blogs about God giving me eyes to see. I didn't know what else my eyes could see. I have seen so many things. I have seen too many things. I have seen heartache and I have seen joy. I have seen beautifully broken people. I have seen them.
Lord, I have seen enough.
"Leah, have eyes to see."
Today, I saw. In a sudden moment at a church event today, I saw it all. I saw small churches in India with Pastor Shakespeare leading American worship, Indian style and laughter until there were tears. I saw community in a maxicab as we had worship on high and we sang together as one. I saw churches big and small in Nicaragua giving the Gospel away to all. I have seen the church in my small community of YWAM giving love in more ways then I've ever known.
I have seen the church.
"The church is here too." Jesus said.
I'm tempted to say that we lost Jesus in the sounds and the lights. I'm tempted to say we've lost Jesus in our weekly tithes and our long sermons. I'm tempted to say we have lost Jesus in our ritual and our Sundays.

But we haven't lost Jesus.

He is here. I see him as I look around my church with lights and decorations and long sermons. I see a people. I see deep and real people among the fake. I see people who love the Lord so deeply and and are finding Jesus here, in this place. They give themselves, the hurt and broken parts of themselves and they say "here I am Lord." They encourage each other and love each other and fight for each other. The church is here, it's just harder to see. I have to look deeper.
And in my fight with myself to leave the church, I have fallen in love with her. I am the Church. The Church is part of my body.
"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:29)
How can I hate what is a part of me? If the Church is broken then, I am also at fault. If the Church is not thriving, how can I betray her? We have our flaws, we do not match what I have seen elsewhere. But a wise woman told me today, 'God is sovereign over this church too."
Jesus is still here. He is sovereign over this western church. We have flaws, we get distracted by our sounds and our lights and the best way to share the Gospel, but there is still a real people within the Church. The church is not the building, the Church is not where you go. The church is you. The church is your interaction with your neighbors. The Church is Global. God's character is within the off-beat chaotic churches in India, his character is in the churches run by teachers and principles. His character is in the honesty and vulnerability. His character is in the hidden churches in Communist countries. His character is displayed in the dancing charismatic churches and in the churches with no instruments and services in other languages.
The church is exactly what Christ intended it to be, unique, beautiful and His; an UNIFIED body who LOVES their neighbor, CARES for the poor, DISCIPLES the world. It is not my place to hate her, but to work together with each part of the Body to make her better, to work as one to present ourselves to Christ, blameless and acceptable.

The Church is not perfect, but I suppose that is something that comes with the sinfulness of our human nature. I suppose our imperfections are all different. But we are the Bride of Christ, we are the body of Christ. We are his and he loves us. Why should I act as if I don't belong to the very thing He created me to be apart of? Why should I act as if He does not love the Church?

A Legacy Well Lived

What is a legacy?
What is ninety-one long years of legacy and love and beauty?
What if that life started out as a small-town conservative short Christian girl? What if that small girl fell in love with a good man and they remained married for almost 70 long and beautiful years?
What if he had his own small business and they didn't have a lot of money but they had so much love? What about when they stay in love through the ups and the downs and ninety-one years later that small town girl can look at you and say she doesn't remember a single fight?
Is that a legacy?
When they raise eight amazing children that change the world, is that a legacy? Two of them became missionaries, one is in fulltime ministry, others when onto love their children deeply. Creating a legacy of 33 grandchildren and even more great grandchildren.

A legacy doesn't have to change the world, and we never think of our legacy while we are alive and thriving and creating it under our feet. We don't think of that, no, instead we live vivaciously, love passionately and give beautifully.
We change lives one by one, moment by moment. And the world blinks and somehow it is a little different because of the way some lives just kiss the whole world.

Almost 70 years ago a man named Irvin swept a small town girl named Mabel off her feet and the love of a lifetime was lived. He owned a small business and they made it in this world. Together.
The legacy my grandparents left was one of immense love and one that must be followed after.

When my grandfather died a little over a year ago, I learned just how he changed his little community of Lancaster County. I learned how his one small life impacted so many lives in my giant family.
Over 100 lives, because of their love.

Yesterday, my grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep. How beautiful her reunion must be with her beloved husband now in Heaven.
Death doesn't hurt as much this late in life, we are all so joyfully that she is with her Savior and husband after a long faithful life.
I wonder sometimes, how death sometimes is so gentle in His ways, so giving.
If Death were personified, I think his job must be very hard, coming and stealing and inflicting pain upon unbeknownst hearts.
But times like this, his job must be so tender, to bring faithful people into the arms of their Savior.
So Grandma Miller, Grandpa Miller, we will miss you and our hearts will wait for the day we will be reunited, but enjoy the rest as you are given the full reward of your faithful life.

Thank you.

The Gospel is Revolutionary: Part 1

Fifth grade camp is a myriad of endless questions and repeated answers. It is shared looks with other counselors as you listen to the life-altering dramas of fifth graders. It is silly songs at the top of your lungs around a campfire because I'm 20, but that's what I do.
"Leah, what are we doing next?" "Leah, can I go to the pool during free time?" "Leah, can I go to the bathroom?" Leah, Leah, Leah... to the point where I contemplate changing my name so they can't find me.
But Clarissa's joy and Taylor's smile remind me why I do what I do.
My campers may whine more then any child in the entire universe, but when that child grabs my hand and says to me so quietly, "Leah, I think I know what I want to do when I grow up."
"What's that?" I reply.
She looks up at me with those eyes so desperate for love, but filled with so much trust, and says, "I want to be a missionary."
My heart melts.
Thursday night, as the evening commences and the invitation to know Jesus is looming on the horizon, I pray for my girls. And as I flip through my Bible, I stumble upon the revolutionary passage that blows all the words we've been learning this week out of the water.

1 Corinthians 15:36 What you sow does not come to life unless it dies...What is sown is perishable, what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power.

These seeds that have been sown this week are only valuable if they die. These seeds that tell these children that the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our lord. These seeds I have been planting faithfully about the fruits of the spirit as I desperately pray these girls will learn to love and see how kindness changes all. These seeds won't matter unless they die. Unless these seeds recieve the light of the Son and the Living Water my work here will have been in vain. 

But praise be to God that he will make these seeds alive. His love is deep and great and wide. 

I watched the seeds come to life. 

The counselors head to the side of this perfect outdoor chapel and the pastor speaks to these kids who come from so many different scenarios and backgrounds about a hope that will meet them wherever they have been. 

And 2 of my girls stand up and walk to where I'm standing. Our prayers worked. Two of my campers who have never heard the gospel before ask this Jesus that they've only known for a week into their heart, stepping out in faith that he will meet them exactly where they are. They believe that simple truth that so many of us adults try to weigh down with laws and rules and chains: but God demonstrates his great love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. And that if we believe in our hearts that Jesus is lord and confess with or mouths that God raised us from the dead we will be saved. That's it. 

The simplicity of this gospel is revolutionary. 

With a childlike faith lets embark on this journey together that all we need is a childlike faith that God will meet us right where we are at. He will turn these dead seeds into something beautiful. 

Because the gospel is not what you've heard. 

It is revolutionary. 

i count it all as loss.

The prayer was true and loud and meaningful.
"I give you everything. I surrender all. You can have all of me for what you want me to do and where you want me to go."
The prayer was rich. I had no idea where it would take me, but I meant it with everything inside of me.

But whatever gain I had... My dreams. Money. Friends. Jobs. Family. Everything that makes me, me. Everything that has defined me and drawn me to this moment.
I count as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I count these things as loss? These things that are so difficult to let go of, I count as loss. These things that in the eyes of the world mean everything, I count as loss. All these dreams I have to go and change the world and travel the nations and love deeply. I count as loss. All this money I have saved and put away, I count as loss. The place itself that taught me to count it all as loss, I count as loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him. 
He has asked of me something that comes as a huge sacrifice; my dream.
For me, it was so easy to lay down everything to go to the mission field. It came naturally, traveling to foreign places, eating disgusting things, unaware of the definition of home. It was natural. It was what I loved. Sitting in trash with orphans, laughing and playing with children who didn't know what love even meant. This was where my heart was at. This is what my heart was made for.
indeed I count everything as loss because of the worth of Jesus.
Do I count these things as loss? It is the biggest loss, the rip between my heart and another. The sacrifice of relationship is huge for me. It leaves gaping wounds and hurts I don't want to confront. Deep and beautiful friendships where our hearts are knit at the soul, how can I let go?
i count as loss for the sake of Christ.
Now, my friends are scattered around the world. The friends I served with, the ones who helped heal my broken heart, the ones I've prayed with and allowed into the depths of my soul. These friends who have walked beside me and showed me my passions and taught me what it means to be free.
These friends, I release.
I read a quote yesterday that perfectly described the missionary life: "your life is more full of hello's, I love you's, and goodbyes than any other life I cant think of right now. It would be easier if it was the first and the last but the I love you's make the last a dagger every time." That was something I was willing to count as loss for the Lord. But now He was asking me to give it to Him for longer than I could see.
For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith, that I may know him and the power of his resurrection and may share his sufferings becoming like him in his death that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
I count it loss so I may gain Him. Nothing is mine. My dreams do not belong to me, my money is not mine, it is all His. I prayed that prayer where I gave it all to Him. I gave Him my obedience.
And now, the obedience looks like turning away from all I've ever desired. For the moment, turning away from the missionary life. My tiny moment in the missionary life planted passions in me that I cannot run from. It gave me passions for seeing people come alive and for showing people how to heal. I know my passions now. And Jesus, my beautiful Lover, looks at me in all His goodness and asks me a question I am inadequate to answer, "Do you trust me?" It takes me so much longer then it should to answer Him.
Do I trust Him?
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 
He has made me His. I press on to make this one fact true: I trust Jesus unconditionally. I press on because He has made me belong to Him. This fact alone leads me to obedience. He loves me so greatly, how can I give him anything less? No matter how long it takes, he can have my whole heart.
I will choose to follow Him anywhere. He has called me to college, which seems to me a place that is exactly opposite of everything I want to be. How can I show people how to come alive? How can I teach people about healing and freedom?
His voice speaks over my worry, "Leah, I am going to continue to make you come alive so you can show others how to come alive."
I understand. Coming alive isn't a once and done action. It is something I will continually get to experience forever. So much life will keep blossoming. I will enter into another season of coming alive so I can better equip others. This season is about to blossom me so I can fully give everything you want me to give.
I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I will forget what lies behind. I will not long for the past and the wondrous works God did back then. I will keep my feet firmly planted in the here and now. I will set my eyes on Jesus and all other things will grow strangely dim. All other things will fall out of my view.

Count the cost, follow Jesus. It's different for us all. For you, it might be sacrificing comfort, money and stability to give so others can go. It might be sacrificing those things so you can go.
It might be overcoming your fear of being seen and being a voice for the voiceless. Maybe you're like me, maybe counting the cost and following Jesus is doing exactly what He wants you to do. Maybe it's leaving the mission field for a while so He can shape you and grow so your work will be more fulfilled. I don't know what it is for you. But I encourage to follow Jesus with every step. He is good and He has every best intention for your heart. He is calling you. Count it all as loss so that you can know Christ Jesus, the One who has made you His own. 

love is stronger.

Jesus was walking to the garden, fully aware of what was to come. Jesus was lamenting and terrified of what was to come. Jesus, our perfect, sinless Savior was about to become broken. He was was swallowed by sorrow and so depressed. The strongest word used for depression was used to describe Jesus' grief. He told his friends, "Watch and pray," and He stumbled towards the place where He was to pray and fell down.
Body-wreaking sobs overcame his body as He looked up to the Heavens and said, "Father, please." The way a child runs to their daddy when they are scared is the way Jesus cried out to God. "If it is possible, If you are able, If you are strong enough, take this cup away from me."
His fear so intense, blood and water flowed from his pores, shaking as He prayed to Heaven, I don't want to do this.
Jesus didn't want to die.
Jesus didn't want to experience the pain.
Jesus was burdened.
Jesus was terrified.
He returned to his friends and they had fallen asleep. "Could you not watch and pray with me for one hour? The spirit is willing and the flesh is weak."
All he was asking was that His friends would support Him and lift Him up to His Father for Him in prayer. He had spent all this time giving to them and He needed just this once for them to give to Him. He was only asking for their devotion.
He returned, so consumed with anguish, he prayed again, "If it is not possible to take this cup from me, then your will be done."
His moments of grief passing too quickly, but His love for the Father passed beyond his agony and He obeyed the Father.
Jesus could have gotten up and walked away from the beatings and whippings and mocking.
He could have disappeared from the scene leaving all the guards questioning and confused.
Jesus had the power to do that. But His love conquered.
Hanging on the cross, skin torn off, flesh exposed to the unrelenting sun, He stayed for us. He sojourned through a hard life for us. For you. For me.

My car just broke down. In the past month it has slowly gone on a downward spiral. While driving home from camp it became very evident that I could no longer drive it without a fix. And the mechanic gave me some very concerning news. The fix will be 1000$ upward, which is a price my car is not even worth. So I'm looking at buying a new car that would preferably get through my college years.
And for the last couple of days, I have been so stressed. Thinking about my upcoming tuition bills and car payments and working my way through school and my current joblessness has scared me.
And I haven't necessarily been trusting the Lord with it. Being in YWAM for a year, I've heard the crazy 'God providing financially' stories. I've experienced a few myself. Coming home though, I guess I believed God wouldn't follow me financially. He's called me to college, but I just assumed I would have to work my butt off to stay out of debt and get through school.
And a few weeks ago someone at camp said, "Jesus didn't want to go to the cross, but He did for you."
And of course I knew that Jesus didn't want to go to the cross, who would actually want that? It hit me in a new way though.  He went out of love for me, and what He wanted was me.
If Jesus agonized over going to the cross obeyed God because of His deep love for us went to the cross then how on earth can I doubt that He would come through for me with something so small like finances?
Doubting His ability and power to come through is doubting His love. It is believing lies about God that separate His heart from mine.
He says, "Leah, trust me. I know it's scary, I know it's overwhelming. I know you like to be in control. Give it to me. Trust me."

He says,
What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"
Luke 10:11-13

How much more will He provide for us. How much more will He give us Himself when we ask.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

As we walk in obedience to God, He will provide all things we need. His grace is sufficient, He will not leave us stranded, His love for us is greater than anything we know. Ask for Him and you will receive Him. Ask for what you need and He will be faithful to come through. Whether you are a missionary in a foreign country and you can't even say His name, or you're waiting by the mailbox day after day praying it will be good news instead of another bill, or you are going into college and your car breaks down. He will provide when you walk in obedience to His will.
His love is stronger. His grace will abound. He is faithful.