We search, desperate for acceptance, desperate to feel wanted and beautiful. We see, the things of our past that are nails on a chalkboard, the things that define us into something less than standard. We hold onto the false identities, the names, the hurts that have given to us as mask to wear, to hide us. But Jesus calls to us, "Remove the mask. I've made you, fearfully and wonderfully. I know you. I have loved you with an everlasting love." Understanding who we are is hard. Because the voices of pain, judging voices and our own hypocritical eyes leave us huddled in a corner, hiding who we are, who we are meant to be. It leaves us placing a garment of shame upon our hearts, and a mask of identity that is personalityless, storyless, and broken.And we know our identity, it's been told to us a thousand times. You are His. You've been bought with a price. You are loved. You are clothed in righteousness. You are you.
Our minds know the answers, but our hearts are afraid to believe.
But hearing Jesus tell me who I am means so much more. I am completely known by Him. He knows me. Yada is the Greek word. To know: an intermingling of souls. This is used in Genesis when Adam and Eve first came together. It is used in Psalm 139. God knows me completely. He knows who I am because He made me! He knows the things in my heart that I hide deep within, and few people have been given access to. And He comes to capture my heart despite the mask I fashioned for myself and the cloak of shame I try so hard to keep on my heart.
He says "Let me define you. Let me be the one who loves you. I know you. I made you. Fearfully and wonderfully."
He knows my strengths, He knows my weaknesses. He was the one who made me with those. He told me I'm joyful, I'm a pillar of strength, I'm his beloved. I will lead others to Him with my love and joy.
Yet if I live with those masks that define who I've become, if I live with those fears leading my life, I'm in chains. Jesus took the key that I threw in an ocean deep, unlocking my soul. But these shackles lay loosely on my wrists, and I'm bound within the fear what it means to be free. What it means to finally not be frightened of people, to not doubt who I am and what I am capable of becoming, what it means to be limitless, free.
This week has resonated with my soul. I keep remembering a quote from my youth pastor who said "Sometimes, you have to keep telling yourself the truth until your heart believes it."
Every morning, I must wake up, I must tell myself, "I am free." I must tell myself who I am, and I must live from my identity, instead of trying to find my identity.
Daily I must listen to Jesus' voice, resting in the Truth of who I am in Him. Because deeper is the place He wants to take me. To the places of my heart I've hidden from society. The crevices of my heart, hidden even to myself.
He wants my heart, and He doesn't have all of it when I cradle so much to myself.
Daily I must live in the truth, Daily. Freedom has become this place I want to aspire to. Now that I've tasted it, I never want to return. So Daily I will decide, Daily I will choose freedom.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Upon Being Nearly Mauled By Dogs...
This week, because the things I've been learning have been super deep, and super personal, so I'm going to give you a little bit of comic relief.
It's always the simple things that teach me. The simple things that bring me joy. Tonight I took a walk with my lovely friend Carissa. We saw a trail from a distance in the neighborhood we were walking in. We ignored all the signs that it wasn't a legit trail, all the signs that we might possibly be trespassing on private property. So we're not even 10 feet into this trail when we hear dogs barking. We spin around and sprint back to where we came from. These big, frightening dogs are chasing us down a hill, way faster than my failed running abilities. Carissa screams at me "Grab a rock!", while pulling up a massive rock out of the ground. The dogs stopped at these stone boulders, so we figured we had just walked onto someone's property. After hysterically laughing for quite a while, we looked up the hill and realized there was an old couple staring at us.
We probably sounded like we were about to die. Which, technically, we almost could have. The old couple eventually started talking to us. And the gave us a tour of the neighborhood, some history and
we got to share with them what we are doing for this season of life. It was so awesome to see the opportunity God gave us to connect to some locals and even stay in contact with them (:
This week I also started my local ministry. I get to go and serve meals at an emergency family shelter. Then I get to eat with them and hang out with the kids. We got to play Jenga with the kids and just interact and find out about their lives and form relationships.
Yeah, it's been a great week. I've been working through a lot of deep and personal things, and learning more about the heart of God and his everlasting love for me. I love and miss you all! You should be seeing a newsletter from me in the mail soon!
It's always the simple things that teach me. The simple things that bring me joy. Tonight I took a walk with my lovely friend Carissa. We saw a trail from a distance in the neighborhood we were walking in. We ignored all the signs that it wasn't a legit trail, all the signs that we might possibly be trespassing on private property. So we're not even 10 feet into this trail when we hear dogs barking. We spin around and sprint back to where we came from. These big, frightening dogs are chasing us down a hill, way faster than my failed running abilities. Carissa screams at me "Grab a rock!", while pulling up a massive rock out of the ground. The dogs stopped at these stone boulders, so we figured we had just walked onto someone's property. After hysterically laughing for quite a while, we looked up the hill and realized there was an old couple staring at us.
We probably sounded like we were about to die. Which, technically, we almost could have. The old couple eventually started talking to us. And the gave us a tour of the neighborhood, some history and
we got to share with them what we are doing for this season of life. It was so awesome to see the opportunity God gave us to connect to some locals and even stay in contact with them (:
This week I also started my local ministry. I get to go and serve meals at an emergency family shelter. Then I get to eat with them and hang out with the kids. We got to play Jenga with the kids and just interact and find out about their lives and form relationships.
Yeah, it's been a great week. I've been working through a lot of deep and personal things, and learning more about the heart of God and his everlasting love for me. I love and miss you all! You should be seeing a newsletter from me in the mail soon!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Count the Cost, Find Joy
He was walking home from a long day at work; nothing was making sense, he didn't have any money. His family was starving and he was losing hope. He detoured through this field, and as he was walking, kicking up dust, he stumbled over a hole. As he knelt down to see the whole, he saw something glisten in the sunlight. It was a diamond; but there was more. The whole was deeper. Before he knew it, he realized that he had enough money to buy the field, if he went home and sold everything. He counted the cost. But he didn't count the cost of the things He would need to give up. He counted everything He would gain.
I never understood this parable before. What did Jesus mean? Comparing the kingdom of heaven to a field with treasure in it. Well this week in YWAM we were learning about counting the cost of following Christ.
It's like addition.
Jesus + everything he has to offer = JOY
It will always equal joy.
5+7=12
It will always equal 12.
If you don't come up with that answer you must keep reconfiguring till you get the right answer.
So, if you don't come up with Joy, you haven't added right, because Jesus promised we would come up with Joy.
Jesus has incredible value. If he didn't, why else would Paul say "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Paul had it, he understood who he was following and why.
Sometimes I think so easily we lose who we are following, we go through the motions and forget why exactly we strive to follow this Christ. So, who is he and why should we follow this man?
The all perfect, all glorious, all holy Son sat next to His Father through Creation. He watched the Creation that they had poured their everything to, turn their backs. Sin had entered the world. And it shattered his heart, because He knew what it meant. He was holy, sin could not be in his presence. He was wrathful, He had to destroy the wicked. He was God, he had to be just. But, He was love. And love couldn't do that. Love couldn't leave his creation. Love had to provide a way. So He chose a nation, of which he would bless and love and save. But still, they turned their backs, still they failed to see what He was truly offering.
So God the Father, enthroned above all, fully wrathful, fully loving, turned to His Son and said "You must go. You must save their souls."
So Jesus, being fully God, left heaven to be born in a manger and die on a cross. But that isn't want brings me to my knees. Because being born is easy, and everyone must die. It is the daily mundane, the grueling that He faced, that brings me completely to my knees.
He walked through life. Those days that you wake up and you look across the room with absolutely no desire to awaken and arise out of bed, He faced. Those days when your heart is broken the idea of 'keep on moving,' seems like Hell. The days you are tempted beyond what you can bear. He bore that weight. Those days when someone you love dies. He faced.
But the crazy, inspiring part, is that He faced these days with Joy. With a purpose. With humility.
His best friend John died. His cousin, the one he was connected to even in the womb. His head was cut off. Jesus went off, fighting tears, to be alone and mourn as any of us would have. But the people came, as they always did. He didn't yell or complain. He healed their sick and had compassion on them. And when the day was coming to a close and the people were hungry. He divided fish and bread enough to feel the four thousand. Then, when the people were satisfied, when the deeper need was fulfilled, he went on to mourn.
What brings me to my knees is that simple fact that He loved, He put himself aside even when He deserved to be focused on Himself. He was God, How much more should I do that?
In being led to the cross, he had every right to prove to the scoffers jeering at him that He was GOD. But He chose not to for the very people crucifying Him. He had no one, his best friends ran, Peter denied, his followers screamed with the crowd "CRUCIFY HIM!" His own Father turned his back because He couldn't bear to see the sin in His holiness. When the entire sin-weight of humanity fell upon His shoulders, he cried out "My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me?" Jesus was the only one to ever feel God forsake him in living.
The weight of our sin killed him.
The joy of His Love saved us.
The moment God's wrath and God's love met, was the most beautiful, most ugly day in history. The Savior of the world died, and God turned his back to the sin. 3 days later, He rose from the dead. He rose to verify what He had done. And He didn't just go to his disciples. He didn't just go to the 12 men who had become his best friends. He told them to spread the word. To "Go and Make disciples." And that is how you and I know Jesus as our Savior. THAT is the type of God we are worshipping. That is the value we are giving everything up for.
So, one morning when I took a really long walk and counted the value of Christ, I knew why I was serving Him. I'm not just going to love people, and satisfy their temporary needs. I'm going to tell them about their Savior, the one who redeemed my life directly from the pits of Hell. Who saves me from the cancer of pride. He is the one I worship and I want everyone to know.
So no longer is it about the things I must give up to serve the God in heaven, It has become who Jesus is+ gratitude for what He has done for me
and that can only lead me to JOY.
This is what turns me into that man who couldn't wait to go home and sell everything He owned. He joyfully ran to his wife and children and gave up EVERYTHING. That is what turns me into someone absolutely desperate for more of Him, totally surrendered and willing to give up everything I own for more of God. This is what makes me a Christ-follower.
I never understood this parable before. What did Jesus mean? Comparing the kingdom of heaven to a field with treasure in it. Well this week in YWAM we were learning about counting the cost of following Christ.
It's like addition.
Jesus + everything he has to offer = JOY
It will always equal joy.
5+7=12
It will always equal 12.
If you don't come up with that answer you must keep reconfiguring till you get the right answer.
So, if you don't come up with Joy, you haven't added right, because Jesus promised we would come up with Joy.
Jesus has incredible value. If he didn't, why else would Paul say "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Paul had it, he understood who he was following and why.
Sometimes I think so easily we lose who we are following, we go through the motions and forget why exactly we strive to follow this Christ. So, who is he and why should we follow this man?
The all perfect, all glorious, all holy Son sat next to His Father through Creation. He watched the Creation that they had poured their everything to, turn their backs. Sin had entered the world. And it shattered his heart, because He knew what it meant. He was holy, sin could not be in his presence. He was wrathful, He had to destroy the wicked. He was God, he had to be just. But, He was love. And love couldn't do that. Love couldn't leave his creation. Love had to provide a way. So He chose a nation, of which he would bless and love and save. But still, they turned their backs, still they failed to see what He was truly offering.
So God the Father, enthroned above all, fully wrathful, fully loving, turned to His Son and said "You must go. You must save their souls."
So Jesus, being fully God, left heaven to be born in a manger and die on a cross. But that isn't want brings me to my knees. Because being born is easy, and everyone must die. It is the daily mundane, the grueling that He faced, that brings me completely to my knees.
He walked through life. Those days that you wake up and you look across the room with absolutely no desire to awaken and arise out of bed, He faced. Those days when your heart is broken the idea of 'keep on moving,' seems like Hell. The days you are tempted beyond what you can bear. He bore that weight. Those days when someone you love dies. He faced.
But the crazy, inspiring part, is that He faced these days with Joy. With a purpose. With humility.
His best friend John died. His cousin, the one he was connected to even in the womb. His head was cut off. Jesus went off, fighting tears, to be alone and mourn as any of us would have. But the people came, as they always did. He didn't yell or complain. He healed their sick and had compassion on them. And when the day was coming to a close and the people were hungry. He divided fish and bread enough to feel the four thousand. Then, when the people were satisfied, when the deeper need was fulfilled, he went on to mourn.
What brings me to my knees is that simple fact that He loved, He put himself aside even when He deserved to be focused on Himself. He was God, How much more should I do that?
In being led to the cross, he had every right to prove to the scoffers jeering at him that He was GOD. But He chose not to for the very people crucifying Him. He had no one, his best friends ran, Peter denied, his followers screamed with the crowd "CRUCIFY HIM!" His own Father turned his back because He couldn't bear to see the sin in His holiness. When the entire sin-weight of humanity fell upon His shoulders, he cried out "My God, My God, Why have You forsaken me?" Jesus was the only one to ever feel God forsake him in living.
The weight of our sin killed him.
The joy of His Love saved us.
The moment God's wrath and God's love met, was the most beautiful, most ugly day in history. The Savior of the world died, and God turned his back to the sin. 3 days later, He rose from the dead. He rose to verify what He had done. And He didn't just go to his disciples. He didn't just go to the 12 men who had become his best friends. He told them to spread the word. To "Go and Make disciples." And that is how you and I know Jesus as our Savior. THAT is the type of God we are worshipping. That is the value we are giving everything up for.
So, one morning when I took a really long walk and counted the value of Christ, I knew why I was serving Him. I'm not just going to love people, and satisfy their temporary needs. I'm going to tell them about their Savior, the one who redeemed my life directly from the pits of Hell. Who saves me from the cancer of pride. He is the one I worship and I want everyone to know.
So no longer is it about the things I must give up to serve the God in heaven, It has become who Jesus is+ gratitude for what He has done for me
and that can only lead me to JOY.
This is what turns me into that man who couldn't wait to go home and sell everything He owned. He joyfully ran to his wife and children and gave up EVERYTHING. That is what turns me into someone absolutely desperate for more of Him, totally surrendered and willing to give up everything I own for more of God. This is what makes me a Christ-follower.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Deer, Getting Lost and Rainbows
Today during my quiet time, God taught me so much.
I was taking a walk in a new neighborhood I haven't explored yet (by the way, the neighborhood I live in is SO rich. One person has a tennis/basketball court in their backyard.) So yeah, when I wasn't getting distracted by the super big, gorgeous houses, this is what God taught me:
As I was walking I saw 4 deer in someone's front yard. I then thought of Psalm 42.
I was taking a walk in a new neighborhood I haven't explored yet (by the way, the neighborhood I live in is SO rich. One person has a tennis/basketball court in their backyard.) So yeah, when I wasn't getting distracted by the super big, gorgeous houses, this is what God taught me:
As I was walking I saw 4 deer in someone's front yard. I then thought of Psalm 42.
As the deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, Oh God.
God's already been teaching me and showing me all week how I need to be desperate for Him. As a deer pants for the water, as a dehydrated man searches endlessly for water, so my soul must thirst for God, the Giver of Living Water.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
How often am I desperate for God, or do I just long for the things He offers me? I want to be in a place where I am desperately pursuing the Word of God, devouring it like I've been fasting for days.
Deep calls to deep,
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone before me.
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
By day, God commands his love for me. His unchanging Spirit. He commands it to me so that I won't lose it during the hectic days. By night, his song is within me to remind me, faithfully, that His love never fails, even when it's dark. Even when the only thing I hear is the distant song that He gives to me in the dry seasons, the tragic seasons, and the broken. His song becomes my prayer in the night.
As I was walking in the unfamiliar neighborhood, I kept turning on new roads, and eventually realized I needed to head back but not to sure how to get there. I ran into a kind lady who thankfully explained to me how to get back to my road. Through this God showed me my need for people in my life to guide me through. I get so caught up in the roads I go on, I get starstruck by the fancy things, and lose direction. But God gives us people in our lives to direct us and guide us for a season. I must learn not to turn down the offers of help and love.
The last thing that God showed me was a rainbow. No rain, sun was shining, and there was a rainbow. Rainbows have always had significant meaning in my life. God was promising me something, He was promising me that even though it's sunny and life is wonderful, His promises are still relevant in my life. He will still be ever with me through what I must learn to walk through in the next few months. He will hold my heart as I walk through unfaced emotions and unfelt pain. He promises so that I can trust.
So yeah, this week has been great. We've been learning about relationships, which is amazing. God is teaching me that I need to learn how to have friendships with guys. Also, he has just been reminding me why I made my commitment to purity so many years ago. I wish I could have you hear the teachings I've heard this week, because it really makes me understand why God wants such a union saved only for marriage. He puts a protective circle around married couples which the devil can't get into unless the couple allows it. But so much hurt and heartache comes in without the protective circle. We've been learning that God made attraction, and about the words in the Bible for sexual immorality such as lasciviousness, concupiscence and fornication. These words mean lust and preoccupied by the opposite sex, and to stir up desires in yourself that cannot be fulfilled righteously.
I've been building some amazing friendships with some amazing girls. God is really just teaching me so much this week. I love it. Today I went to my first prom. It was a prom for mentally disabled people and we just got to dance with them and love on them. It was so fun.
I miss you all!
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