It's All Part Of The Adventure

I sat in the windowsill running my fingers along the thick strings of an unfamiliar guitar, pretending I was expressing my heart through music as I've never been able to do. The clouds outside the window were dreary and cars lazily passed below me. The moment felt nostalgic. How many strange homes have I been in? Homes larger than this one, homes tinier than my bedroom. How many buildings have my feet stepped in. I've been thousands of feet above the ground over looking cities in large skyscrapers and I have climbed mountains and watched the people as they passed as ants beneath my eyes. I have felt minuscule in comparison to the stars as galaxies float above my head, I've been on top of the world when the Creator of the Universe, comes down from Heaven and says my name, so gently, so filled with love. I've felt the weight of tragedy, I've sat cross-legged drinking chai in homes down dirt roads no one knows exists and heard stories of people who just needed hope. I've poured my heart out on children who don't know love. My life has been fairly beautiful up until this point, and I have concluded that I am blessed beyond words, grateful beyond feeling.
In just one year I have made friends from all over the world. India. Nicaragua. Mexico. Holland. Russia.
I have friends that no one knows exist. I've met beautiful people to whom I was the first white person they ever laid eyes on. I've learned languages and given Bibles to people who never owned one. I've touched a woman with tumors covering her skin. I've held the hands of orphans and told them about the love of Jesus.
I have traveled roughly 4,389 miles to and from Louisville, to North Carolina twice, Tennesee and Virginia. I have flown 37,584 miles to and from India and 10,248 miles to and from Nicaragua. (Yes I did just take the time to calculate that for about 15 minutes.)
Let's just say, I've been a lot of places. I've done a lot of things. The thing I can't get over is

that's just one year.

In one year, Jesus took me on the greatest adventure of my life. Yet He promises, "We're not done yet."

Recently my adventure has slowed down a little, I'm back and grounded in Lancaster County. I'm nannying for 4 adorable children.
A few weeks ago, my three year old had left a teddy bear at the library. We forgot Buzzy in a whirlwind of trying to get the kids in the car in a torrential downpour that had decided not to stop.
I couldn't go back.
I emailed my kid's mom and let her know we forgot and I felt terrible.
And she said something that struck me.
She said,

 "It's all part of the adventure."

My first thought was to contradict that statement. This is not an adventure! It's mundane, it's daily and grueling. Oh, but this is part of the adventure.
Miss Word Girl over here looked up the etymology of the word. (How proud my 7th grade history teacher would be.)

Adventure: the encountering of risks.
                an exciting or remarkable experience

But then I decided to break it down further and make my own definition.

Advent: a coming into being or use
ure: the act or process

Therefore, the adventurer is the one who is performing the act of coming into being.
That definition is beautiful.
I'm an adventurer because I am forever learning the art of coming alive. Jesus is teaching me what it means to come alive. I don't know if this means as much to you as it does to me. But for me, it's a promise. It's a promise from Jesus telling me, "Leah, we're still on this adventure together. Grand things are still happening. The journey isn't over yet. A new year is coming. The adventure will continue."
In remembering this past year and the adventure I have embarked on, whether it has been playing duck duck goose in the middle of a dirt path and having to move because of cows. Or laying on the hard floor of a church because we drove 8 hours to share our hearts with 6 youth. Or shouting the banana song at the top of our lungs to a group of over 100 women just to share with them about Jesus.
Or now, sitting on the carpet with my 2 and 3 year olds and playing with them. It's all part of the adventure.
It's all about coming alive. It's all about my sanctification of becoming more like Jesus. It's all to know Him and make Him known.
The adventure doesn't have to be thousands of miles away. It doesn't have to be road trips with your best friends, and running through an airport so you don't miss your flight. The adventure doesn't have to be about rediculous stories that will make you laugh for years to come. The adventure isn't even about the mundane.
The adventure is about being obedient to a call that is bigger than you. And being faithful to the One that loves you bigger than the Universe. That's the adventure.
So as this year comes to a close, all I want to do is whisper "Thank you," to my Savior and Best Friend who knows the plans He has for me, and is about to take me on an even greater adventure.

O Come All Ye Faithful

O come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye O come ye to Bethlehem;
come and behold him born the King of angels;
O come let us adore him Christ the Lord.

I have been thinking a lot about this song. And I can't get past this one idea. The faithful aren't perfect. The faithful didn't have it easy. 
The faithful are broken. The faithful are tired and beaten down.  
I was thinking about the definition of faithful, I couldn't just settle with the one that meant I was loyal to the end. Yes, The call is to those of us who are faithful to the end. 
But there's another definition, me being who I am, in love with words, I looked it up.

Faithful: Full of Faith.

How intricitatly simple? 

Faith: A strong belief or trust in someone or something. 

Christmas is a call to those who are full of faith. And those of us who are full of faith are broken, we are tired, we sometimes feel like we cannot face one more day. But that, is what brings us to be full of faith.
Christmas is a call to the weary. Christmas is a call to those who have been trying and failing. Christmas is a call to the helpless.

Mary, abandoned by all that love her, except for Joseph. Mary, weary from a long journey, the Christ within her. Mary, with young, tired eyes, full of faith, was faithful to the One who called her, the One she would soon call Son and Savior.
Joseph, ridiculed by his desicion to love a supposed harlot. Joseph, also exhausted from the travel, knew what was ahead. He knew fleeing would be in their life, He knew heartache would be there, Fathers know. Yet Joseph, full of faith, was faithful to pour His love on the ones who needed it.
The innkeeper, so done with every person that walked to his door and asked for room. He had none of it. But this couple that gave Him a strange sense of peace, full of faith, that the 'yes' in His heart might change his life that night. And He faithfully said yes, to the family, and the new baby He would begin to follow.

That night, everyone involved in the story, I believe, was weary. They were so tired of waiting, so at the end of their rope. And that is when the Baby was born. In the exact place where everyone needed to be reminded of the call to be faithful. They were given fulfillment to their belief in something bigger.
That baby was hope incarnate.

The night was so long ago, but it doesn't lose it's magic. We are reminded of the beauty in every child's excited eyes. I can see the Hope every time I see the broken look up from their weeping and remember this day is for them.

My mom adored the song O Come All Ye Faithful. And I think it was because it spoke to many places of her life.
This song seems to speak to those who have completed their walk, Jesus in heaven saying "O come, my faithful, joyful and triumphant. Come and enter in to the rest."
But it speaks to us too. It speaks to those of us who are still in the grime, the fear and this painful world.
The song says to us, "Come to me, those of you who are full of faith. Come and I will teach you where joy comes from. Come and we will triumph together. Come for you are not alone. Come, for I love you. Come."

The song ends with the simplistic, beautiful refrain. O Come Let Us Adore Him.
This one is a call to those of us who are in every walk of life. Come, Let's Adore Him. He came to heal our brokenness, He came to bind up our wounds. He came to Hold us.
He stepped down from Heaven into our broken, sinful world. He laid in a manger, in the womb of a virgin, so that He could Love us.
His death aside, I think His entrance into our lives is the most simplistic. Easter is His Sacrifice screaming to our sinful lives saying, "I have come to redeem!" Easter is our sin bared upon His sinless body.
But Christmas, is His gentle entrance into our lives. Meeting us where we are at. Promising more to come.
Maybe You are at the beginning of your walk with Christ and He just casually walked into your life.
Maybe You are midway and tragedy has struck. Maybe someone you loved dearly has gone too soon.
Maybe you are at the end, and you cannot wait for Jesus to look you in the eyes and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Wherever you are, He will meet you.

Like I said, this song, spoke to many areas of my mom's life. It spoke to her in the beginning when life was seemingly perfect.
And it continued to speak to her when she sat in a doctor's office and they diagnosed her with a cancer that would eventually take her life. It spoke to her and cancer crept in and stole her breath away, but never stole her Life.
It spoke to her in the end, when Jesus looked her in the eyes and say, "Come, my faithful One."
And now this song has fallen to me. Right in the middle. Right in the middle of grief and pain and waiting. The message that Jesus is speaking to me is one that says, "I know your tired, I know it's hard. I know. But I love you, And I will show you how to thrive, we will be triumphant together. Come, Leah, full of faith, full of life, come, and I will give you rest."
With that message, I can't help but adore him. With how I've seen Him work, I can't help but long to spread this message around the world, "Oh come, Let us adore Him."

Joy To The World

The past few months of my life have been a little lonely. I spent a year with incredible humans, I developed deep relationships. There is a depth to relationships that were built on solid ground. There is something about roaming the streets of other countries and seeing poverty together. Something about seeing another's deepest hurts plastered on the wall and learning how to comfort together. There is something deep that I cannot explain to you unless you've experienced it. 

And this week, two of my friends from this past year of my life came to visit. I cannot express how glorious it was. We had joy. For the first time in a few months we remembered what it was like to not be lonely. 

It was a gift from the Lord, really. A gift of laughter, friendship, smiles and joy. 

And I am reminded of a greater gift during this season. A gift that makes mine seem to only touch the surface. 

Jesus. 

Jesus was personified joy to the world. The gift He was that He came in the form of a human child. When I come to think of it, I realize that God sending Jesus in human form was the greatest way of giving the gift of redemption. 

Life is the most beautiful thing. There is something splendid from seeing flowers bloom or snow fall white from the grey sky. But the most satisfaction we receive in life is from relationships. Our joy comes from sharing life with others. We rejoice when others rejoice. 

Friendship is a priceless gift, something no wrapping paper could replace and no enemy could steal it away. And I think that is why, one night, thousands of years ago, God sent Jesus. In the form of a human child. Not a wrapped gift that said "Grace." Or a feeling in the sky called Peace. He came in the likeness of man. One who could form deep and beautiful relationships with those around Him. 

His humanity was the reason someone wrote a song called "Joy to the world." It is the relationship that brings us joy. It is the depth He takes us to and the value He places on us. It is the way He speaks to us as His children and His friend. 

Joy to the World,

The Lord has come.

Let every heart prepare Him room.

Because, He brought joy to the world.

I love how the classic carol ends with the phrase "And wonders of His love." 

Joy to the world in the beginning, and wonders of His love at the end. The most beautiful of stories.

The gift was friendship, the gift that blessed our hearts with perfect joy and love. 

Thank you, Lord, for not sending us a wrapped up gift like Santa Claus, but for giving yourself so that we could enjoy you, so that we could learn to love you. 

O Holy Night

The Advent season is upon us. The season where we begin to turn and look to our Savior's coming.

I've decided to do a mini blog Christmas series on some of my favorite Christmas carols. O Holy Night is my first one.

O Holy Night

The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees O hear the angels voices.
O night divine O night when Christ was born
O night divine, O night, O night divine.

Sometimes we get lost in the complicated words and the pretty tune that we miss the weight of the words we sing. 

The Weary World 
The World, so weary. The world, longing, anticipating redemption. The hearts, waiting for something, anything to break the system of sacrifice and fear and guilt. The hearts waiting for the day when they would see their Savior face to face. The people walking admist the Valley of Baca (The Valley of Weeping), blessed as they make it a place of springs, a place of Hope. (Psalm 84:6) The Valley where they pilgrimage to the place of their forefathers, the city of Refuge, to meet their God.
The Heart, so weary.

A Thrill of Hope
Maybe the star shining brightly. Or the serenity of the evening. Or the fact that they've waited so long for restoration. But it's there. A thrill of Hope. The whole world can feel it, in light of a baby. In light of the change in the atmosphere. The prophecies coming true, the words of ancient times pointing to the Time of Redemption. Pointing to the Savior. A thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices.

Till He Appeared and The soul felt His worth
Years would pass before they realized the importance of the sacred night. But He came. Jesus came forth as a baby in a womb and grew in strength and wisdom. And the weary hearts began to feel His worth. Each footprint He placed in the sand he was bringing the story of redemption. He was bringing the joy of abundant life. He was bringing the Kingdom, the perfect, peace and joy filled Kingdom, to the weary world.

Fall On Your Knees
Fall on your knees, in thanksgiving. Fall on your knees as you cast your sins and fears and brokenness at the feet of the One who can change it all.
Fall on your knees in humility. As you realize how short you have fallen, your sacrifices cannot measure up. Fall on your knees as you grasp the knees of your Savior whose Sacrifice is enough. Fall on your knees as you meet the One who silences all your questions and fears with the statement, "I AM."

O Holy Night
The night that adjectives fail to describe happened for me. When the Son of God was sent to a virgin's womb. The night when God Himself laid in a manger, when God in holy humility came to take on the sins of the world. When God chose to walk this earth to demonstrate how life was meant to be lived.

For us today, we have a thrill of Hope because our Hope is Here. Our Hope is walking with us, we have a thrill of life because we have learned how to Live. We have learned how to love.
Today, our soul's can feel His worth when we read of who He was, but more importantly when we walk beside Him. Jesus appeared to take your weary heart and turn it towards His Own, so that you would fall on your knees and feel the depth of His Worth. Yes, it was a holy night, but isn't every night? Isn't every night just as sacred when we are in humbly awed by the beauty of our Savior who appeared in the Valley of Baca for us?
I alluded to the Valley earlier. But the Valley of Baca was the Valley before the cities of refuge. The Valley before reaching the Lord. Jesus appeared to walk the Valley of Baca with us, and that is how in Psalm 84:6, we can turn the Valley of weeping and the desert into a place of springs. Because our weary hearts have seen Jesus' value. And we have chosen to walk in this O Holy Night every day.

He Will Deliver Us Again

There is this gem of a scripture hidden within 2 Corinthians. It's written right past the passage about comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:8-11
 For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

Such vivid language, Paul. Can you hear his despair?
For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.
Have you been there? Carrying the weight of the world in your hands? Tears streaming down your face and you turn to the heavens and whisper, "Jesus, I just want you to hold me."
That point where you feel Paul's lament. Oh Lord, take me home.. but oh how I want to serve you!
Yes, I have despaired of life itself.
Have you ever been just so tired? So tired of fighting against the grain? So tired of pouring everything you have into a leaking cup? So tired when Jesus says, "Beloved, keep on giving." The gentle request is to give my all.
Have you been there? Yes, I have been there. Most often, I'm still there.
Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death.
I question, Haven't we already been brought to life? Aren't the readers of this book already redeemed? We were once dead, and now we are alive! How can it be that we still feel we receive the sentence of death? This comforts me. That others have felt the same that I feel. That even Paul, one of the founding fathers of our faith has felt the sentence of death. Further in Corinthians there is this tiny phrase the leapt off the page. It said this: conflicts on the outside, fears within.
We aren't alone. These feelings of, "How long, O Lord, How long?" are okay!
As long as I don't remain there.
But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.
The reason for the world. Often we search, up and down, side to side for a reason. A simple statement that answers every single question that floats and flitters through our mind as to why.
And Paul tells us, to make us rely not on ourselves but on God.
I think God knows. Actually, I know He knows my inner battle of temptation to despair or hope. He takes these circumstances that tempt me to despair and He paints hope through my world. My great and beautiful Artist paints hope across my dismal skies. He takes my fallen face with tear stricken cheeks and lifts my head. He says, "My Child, I AM."

So much meaning packed into one tiny statement. Every question is answered in that one simple statement. I AM.
He delivered us from such a deadly peril.
We lament, we despair, we scream. WHERE ARE YOU?
He delivered us.
In Psalm 77, The author is lamenting. He is surrounded by His deadly peril. Just read the first few lines. He cries, he seeks, he is weary, he faints, he moans. And he says one thing, my soul refuses to be comforted. He realized he was being comforted, yet his soul had refused the comfort. 

And he makes an appeal to remember his song in the night. He knows God, he has a relationship with Him. What was it from so long ago that made his heart sing? 

It was the steadfast love of The Lord. It was knowing his goodness. It was remembering that he delivered us from a deadly peril: death itself. 

It was because of his redemption that our souls cried, "O death, where is your victory. O death, where is your sting?"

Death has no victory. Despair has no sting. Because we have been delivered. I remember my song in the night. 

On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 

Hope: to cherish a desire with anticipation. 

It isn't quite as easy as it sounds to hope.  Doubts get in the way. Little lies creep in the places of light and the luscious gardens of peace and joy. And I begin to see things from my own perspective. Romans 8 tells us that we must hope for the things we don't see patiently. 

We cannot see how he will deliver us. We want it now. We want the freedom and comfort and security. That's why when he tells us to ask, he says ask and keep on asking, seek and  keep on seeking. That's why he doesn't give us answers right away but says, "Be still, Beloved."

And because I know who he is, because I remember my song in the night, because I can stare the horrors of death in the face and laugh, "O where is your sting?" Because of this, I have set my hope that he will deliver us again.

As the winter makes his slow, painful appearance, my heart wonders how it will ever remain warm. I remember his faithfulness. I remember his goodness.
And I know, I am confident, that he will deliver us again.

When Dead Things Fall

I watch the colors fall like rain around me, making my heart dance. And I've decided one thing, I'm in love with the colors. I'm in love with the fact that things don't stay the same. My God is one who is always doing something new. He is always making all thing new.

He created our world to move like that. It begins in the summer, where everything is alive, things are new and breathing. My heart beats to the life I see. When I awaken, it isn't hard to look around and agree with my lungs, "Oh yes, keep breathing." I see life and beauty. I see love and adventure. With every heartbeat my soul sings gratitude. My mouth whispers for life to stay like this forever. If I only knew the definition of forever.

Fall comes though, the air becomes crisp. And I begin to see something glorious happen. The fierce green turns into blazing colors. The colors I only dreamed of in the summer.

Crisp autumn air fills my lungs, the leaves crunch beneath my feet. The wind whispers of the change that's coming. The clouds restlessly move across the sky, unable to stay in one position for long.  The leaves, the stunning leaves, comes vivid colors.

Blazing fire red.

A dying sun's orange glow.

The color of happiness, yellow.
When dead things fall, it's beautiful. Oh, how stunning the colors are when they glint in the light, blanketing the slowly dying grass. 

Part of me longs for the constant summer sun tinting the color of my skin, while the other part of me is thriving on the still, small voice that says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing." 

 The part about fall that is the hardest to take is the cold. It comes with the beauty of the falling of leaves. Without the foreseen bitter, those beautiful colors would never dance across the sky.

I take it in stride, keeping my eyes on the beauty. My eyes flicker back though to the warmth, the adventures and the joy.

The truth of the word of God breezes across my heart "forgetting what lies behind, straining towards what is ahead."

His future looked a lot dimmer than mine. Shipwrecks, beatings, persecution, being stoned and whippings. 

The future I'm frightened to see doesn't have quite that threat. Why is it so hard to forget what I've left behind? 

"Behold, I am doing a new thing." The constant words, the consistency of the promise.

But seriously, I look at Paul. The one who claimed to be the scum of the earth, the one who told us of things that instill fear, the one who brought to us a Gospel unlike any other, a Father of our faith. I look at Paul who stands, a prisoner on a ship that has been in a storm for 14 days, lead the shipmates in thanksgiving to God. Because He was confident God would save them. This is the man that says this,

"For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

I have learned the secret.

 Oh Paul, enlighten me! What is the secret?

Why didn't he tell us the secret?

He wanted us to experience the joy of learning. 

I am learning.

Let me enlighten you though. The secret is Jesus. Who else could bring contentment in starvation. Or in my current case, of facing plenty. Who else but Jesus could bring that contentment?

Who else could wash a peace over my heart as I watch beauty fall to the ground. I could see death, but I see promises of life. 

Who else is there?

He has promised me He is doing a new thing. I am confident in His promises. I am confident in His love. I am learning the secret of contentment.

I watch the leaves again, and I see more than these dead leaves falling. I see dead roots within lives around me falling, dying beautifully. Winter threatens fear and isolation. Winter reminds me of a seemingly never-ending dead. But I have learned the secret of being content. I have learned the secret. Jesus.

I am learning how to know Him, who does things mysteriously and miraculously. 

I have learned the secret that with Jesus, when dead thing fall, life is just around the corner.

You Are All I See

The words of an old song I heard in church once ring through my heart. Though I cannot find the song anywhere, I know I heard it. I know the Spirit inside me is reminding me of these words.
"You are all I see,
You are all I see.
The world fades away.
So with all my heart
and with all my soul,
I'll live for You alone."
I don't remember the rest, but I remember these vital, life-giving words.

You are all I see.
Is He all I see?
I get so distraught, I become so emotional, I feel so deeply.
Is He all I see?
I see disunity, I watch scenes of battles for the wrong things play before me. I see hurts and wounds and pains. I watch as the ones we thought were supposed to love pour salt on someones raw heart.
I see so much.

I remember the words so clearly to my heart. Time and time again. "Leah, have eyes to see."
To see what, Lord? To see the hurt I can't quite look beyond?
Oh no, self, you have it all wrong.

The answer is to see Him.
To see Jesus.

The Psalmist proclaims, "Where shall I go from your Presence?"
The Psalmist cries, "In your presence there is fullness of joy!"

I lament, "How can I see joy amidst this? Where can I see you?"

And my eyes have opened. The cool breeze of fall blows through my hair, I take off my shoes and my feet can breathe; again. There is freedom in this place. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, There is Freedom!

This freedom He speaks of, I've experienced. Exclusively the Lord and I, for a year of my life. A year of nothing except Him pursuing me and me pursuing Him. All of life's troubles faded away, the demons couldn't contend with the intimacy we had. I was in a place where Jesus was all I saw. He proved his trustworthiness to me. And then He called me out upon the waters. The waters I had almost drowned in before. The waters I had gone under in. The waters I feared.
He said, "Do not fear, for I am with you." He taught me how to swim, He taught me how to float. How could I doubt Him? I said I had no need to fear. He would be with me.
Yet, why is it when I am here in this painfully familiar territory I fear? Why is it I feel like I'm drowning?

The waves were high. The storm was real. I knew we would perish. In that moment, I knew we were about to meet our end. But I looked and I saw. I saw my Savior, I saw my Best Friend. I saw the one I trusted beyond a shadow of doubt. He was walking on the water. He said, "Take heart. It is I. Do not be afraid." His gentle words stilled the storm in me as they always had. And I asked Him to call me. I asked Him to call me onto the waves. His words were soft, a smile on His lips. And I walked on the water. I was literally putting one foot in front of the other and defying laws of nature and gravity and walking on the water. I saw the waves, I saw the water and I thought, "Impossible." I began to sink, I cried out, "Lord, Save me!" 

He took my hand and said, almost mournfully, "Why did you doubt?"

Peter walked on water. Peter saw the waves, but He saw His Savior more. And he asked Jesus to call him onto the waves. That's the part I cannot get over. He didn't just watch in awe and wonder as Jesus defied nature. I'm going to say it again. He asked Jesus to call him onto the waves. He was a fisherman who knew the danger of storms and water. And he knew water. He was comfortable with it. In a boat. And then He asked Jesus that daring request with a far-fetched faith. And He walked on water. But why did He sink? He looked away from Jesus. He saw His situation instead of Jesus. He didn't see Jesus and fear caused Him to sink.

See, a few months ago, Jesus called me out upon the waves. And I had this daring faith, I said, "Yes, Lord. Call me out upon the waters, where feet may fail." I sang that song that has become popular phenomenon. I sang in faith, I sang knowing He would make me walk on the water too. 

And I walk momentarily on the water, often though it morphs from my unfazed trust into my doubt and me sinking and Jesus redeeming. Almost daily. And it is because I take my gaze off of Jesus. I see my circumstance, and oh how hopeless it seems. Without Jesus. His ever true words come back, "Leah, have eyes to see."

2 Corinthians 1:10 speaks hope to my soul. I am reminded of my familiar Hope. "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." 

He delivered me before, He will surely deliver me again. Not far later in the book of 2 Corinthians Paul says, "Therefore, we do not lose heart." And it comes back to the verse I have based my blog on. Clay Jars of Treasure. Afflicted but not crushed, perplexed but not despaired. 

We believe that He who raised Jesus will also bring us into His Presence. His presence that is filled with joy and love and peace. And the restoration I have been praying for. Oh this book is full of so many tiny treasures I long to share with you, another time. 

I conclude with one thing: Hope. Don't build your hope on your circumstance, Don't look at your circumstance, because surely you will soon begin to sink.You will lose sight of the light and the darkness will seem darker. Hope in Jesus. How? Gaze on Him. His light will guide you. His light will shine in dark corners. His light will cast glimmer of Hope all over your life. The fear will dissipate because instead of drowning in circumstance, you will be drowning in love. The need for independence will become detested because you will feel your inadequacy, and you'll fall into His Grace. You'll see that He is the God of restoration who wants to redeem your life and your circumstance far more than you do. 

Teach me, Lord, how to keep my gaze fixed upon You. I want you to be the only thing I see. And with Your vision, I'll see my situation in your glorious Light.

You are all I see.

An Extraordinary Life

What would Jesus do? We wear this on bracelets, we plaster it on the back of our cars. The question flickers through our minds when someone asks how we feel about alcohol or sex before marriage. 

But as I sat on the couch watching the little girl I nanny play with her dolls, the question pestered me. What would my Jesus do? 

Before coming home a month ago, I read a book about stories And living a life as a story. Fully, abundantly, life giving. It's an easy goal to have, but in the moment when children are wrestling you to the ground, your little sister is screaming at you at the top of her lungs, and your heart just wants to withdraw and run away, how can you live that story that seemed so ideal? The story that seemed like so much fun. 

And I honestly and truly want to evaluate in every situation, what would Jesus do? 

I don't believe that Jesus would sit back and just admire as Claire played with her dolls. No, I believe he would be on the floor arranging the greatest tea party that ever existed, treating her as if she we the only important thing in the world.

What would he do when my sister screams to get her way and cries-more like sobs- just wondering if we love her. He wouldn't walk away and ignore her. He would be by her side until she believed it with everything inside her. That's what He has done for me. 

Jesus has given us the greatest outline, to the greatest story. Frequently when we read the Bible or go to church we imagine God up in heaven creating a list of rules, smiling at the misery he might put us through. And we say, he doesn't understand. He hasn't walked this life. Yet, He did. In the most vulnerable of forms, human. He experienced every emotion, pain, hurt and temptation. Every joy, love and beauty. And he shows us how to live. Each person that he came into contact with knew they were valued. He never gave a list of rules, he smashed the pharisee's law to pieces when he said the greatest commandment is to love God and love others. 

So what would Jesus do? 

I don't know. Ask yourself as you do your job, live your life. Never ever let it get mundane or boring. Jesus always had excitement in his life. 

This year compared to last year, it's beginning to seem mundane. But it doesn't have to be. God is not a god of mundane, so if he has called me here, as I am confident of, I know that he will blow me out of the water and teach me how to live an ordinary life, extraordinarily.  

The Greatest Story: Part 2

The greatest story is about brave love. An intense, unchanging God who is ready to face any danger or pain crourageously. A love that came into the darkest night in the bramble of an overgrown forest. A love that came to a broken and bleeding heart on the ground and healed it. Its a story of humility, pain, suffering and relentless pursuing.
The God above all other gods, the Name above all other names, created a race called humanity, in the image of Himself. Agape Love filled the atmosphere. Love gives the freedom of choice and his beloved children chose rebellion, and separation ensued. No light, no hope, no love.

But the God above all other gods was a God of love. And so he pursued brave love. And so he declared to the angels and the demons, he cried out to all of creation, "I will restore this." And the Storyteller devised a plan of redemption and restoration laced together with love. He chose the flawed humanity to be his main characters. He chose you. The Storyteller knew something had to die to eliminate the death in the world, to breath life back. For a while the animals sufficed his wrath, but they were not perfect, they were flawed, so he chose brave love. He chose his son, knowing he would be rejected, knowing all would not accept His free gift of love. But we were worth it. He wanted to make us worthy.
His perfect son died a painful death as all of humanity mocked him and flaunted their sins, the reason for his death. And the heartbroken Storyteller turned his back for what had become of his story.
But a smile formed across his face as he reminded himself where the story was headed. For three days, the world was dark, hope had been murdered, the world mourned. But Sunday was coming. And Jesus rose out of his grave clothes and defeated Death. And said, "I love them more."  He promised us His Spirit to live within us. Who speaks to us, guides us, loves us, reassures us, heals us.
Then the Storyteller wrote us in, he handed the pens to us, told us his plans and whispered promises of how we could be a part in his story of redemption. We could tell his children that hope didn't stay dead. Hope rose again, it isn't about works, it isn't about finding another god to satisfy every need. It was about being loved bravely and loving bravely in return.
You are a part of the greatest story. You. Not just the missionary you support, your pastor or the one who works in youth ministry. You are a part of his greatest story.
I love being a character in His story. As my time here in Nicaragua comes to a close I hear my Author telling me, "when you go home, your role is just as important." He has given me tasks, he has given me a heart for the next step in my life and I am excited to be the pen in the next part of my story, listening to my Writer as he tells me which way to go, what to do, what to say.
My heart longs to know the ending but my hands and feet long for the now. This past week in Nicaragua, I've done a variety of things, that were paragraphs and sentences in someone else's story. I held a tiny baby and told her mom she was beautiful, told her she was worth it with my actions, and her eyes looked lighter than they did when I first met her. Her story is altered. So many memories of how others showed me those thing that burn in my head and I know it was worth it.
I was obedient to my Author and I know I was written  in.
And I trust him, I love him, I know him.

The best part of having a glimpse of the missionary life is the way it has stolen my breath, stolen my heart. Somehow, it hurts ans is abaolutley wonderful in each moment. Because I have learned something, I have learned that when stories collide, the stars shine a little bit brighter. When lives intermingle, the flowers open wider. And sometimes I wonder how out of all the 6 billion people on this planet, the storyteller sees every one, and he cares deeply about every single one. And He has sent me. He has sent you.
So, I want to invite you with me, let's live the greatest story. One where we look back and are proud of what we have done.

The Greatest Story: Part 1

I am sitting in a home and they tell me the man laying in bed was put there by the police. He'd been laying in bed for over a year. Unable to take care of himself or his family. The police thought he was another man and beat him till he was in a coma. And they didn't pay for the damages. And now he suffers brain damage an had become like a child. 
The situation should feel hopeless. I should be angry. Instead I only feel hope.
Her husband died last year. He killed himself. Drowning himself in alcohol. He died of kidney failure. She holds her year old son. But I see her friendly neighbor who loves her community sit across from her. I don't feel upset. I feel hope.

The homes built into this mountain, the treacherous way to get to them, especially in the rain bring me hope. The smiles on the faces of the children. This place is swimming in hope.
And for the first time, its not hard to trust God with these people. To trust that he cares. To trust that he is not a complacent God. But a God who speaks. A God who acts. A God who cares.
And I realize I am part of the greatest story. One that began with Adam, Abraham, Isaac, Moses, David. One that continued with Peter, Paul and Stephen. And one that doesnt revolve around me. There are moments with me written into it, but even greater are the times I get to see others stories and introduce them to the greatest storyteller himself. Jesus.
Because here in Nicaragua, the people believe going to church will save you. But jesus isn't about church. He's about loving God and loving others. Its about getting to know him and going on the greatest adventure and taking others with you. Jesus is more than church. Jesus is about pursuing the greatest relationship and im thankful he wrote me in the story in the greatest of ways. I pray my love will show the still a better way.

One more week for my team here in Nicaragua, and I am excited for the things God has yet to do. It gives me hope.

The Father Heart of God

Day 1:
My heart is stolen. Two precious little thieves took possession of my heart. She took me into her tiny home, 5 beds, little space. A momma and papa who don't care and a 10 year old brother that basically takes care of them. Have they ever felt love before? The injustice that this concept is so foreign weighs on my heart.
But here is the gift, I have a few short days to pour all my love on them. Every ounce I have ever been given will be my only gift to these two girls.
Day 2:
I love them so much. "Te amo." My words so inadequate. I read them  bible stories in my Spanish bible. Do they understand?
I come again and one of them sees me. She engulfs me in a bear hug with her tiny arms.
She feels love. She knows love maybe for the first time with my broken Spanish and my heart filled with jesus.
I hear jesus' gentle words. "Give them to me. I love them so much more than you do." How is that possible? Because the love I experience is so great I can't even explain it. I know it is God's father heart overflowing with love, first onto me, out pouring onto these beautiful children. What is my capacity? When will I run out? When will my heart break? I've thought about the day I must leave them. And my heart aches. A burden i am not sure I can bear. And Satan whispers lies, "Love isn't worth it. This will break you. This will crush you. Don't do it." But my Father's words are sweeter. "Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper." I have finally found where I belong. In the arms of love.
Day 3:
If I love them this much and you love them so much more, then I feel safe giving then to you. I feel safe loving them with nothing left even when I know just how much it will hurt.
You answered my prayers you gave us an opportunity to share the gospel with their parents. Your hand is on this family. I know and I can confidently say that I trust you. Your hands are softer your love is more gentle, your heart is deeper and your arms are wider and you will never run  dry. Thank you for that.

Day 4:
I have one more day and I can feel my heart breaking. I can hear God whispering, "Leah, keep on loving." I'll give her my everything, but I know it will hurt. I'll give her Jesus. God says to me, "my love for her is unconditional." Am I the only one to ever love her?
He promises, "I know the plans I have for her. Plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her a future and a hope." And I trust him more than I ever have. Because I know his love and I know that he began a good work in her and he will complete it by the day or christ jesus. I believe these promises.

Day 5:
It's over. Our goodbye happened in the blink of an eye and then she was gone. The tears came, as they should. Goodbye is a terribly, bittersweet thing. But in the words of Winnie the pooh. "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I asked for this. A week ago, I prayed an apparently dangerous prayer. "God, give me a greater revelation of your father heart." And since I have experienced a love I cannot explain. If I can love this much as a flawed human, and it is only a faint shadow of the love God feels. His heart of love is so deep, so vast and expansive, yet so deep and so intimately personal. How could I ever doubt his love? I can't doubt that he will take care of Ashly. Of course he would want to speak to her as he wants to speak to me. We are his daughters. My heart is broken as I have to be the one to leave her. His heart can never be broken for that. His heart breaks when we run from him. He always pursues. Always. I felt this love and I am compelled to trust him.
Its like I am drowning in an ocean of love, I can feel his heart beating next to mine.
And now, I can love bravely. A strong love that comes from God, and shows me how to lean not on my own understanding. A love that might now be safe, but a love that I trust.

A Trash Dump and Brave Love

The trash lay astrew, some knotted on the ground, glass glimmering as it catches the sunlight. And the children are everywhere, running from hidden homes. There is food on that bus. They frantically line up, knowing something that we don't: not everyone will get some. Frowns seemingly engraved on their dirt smeared faces. I gather my team, and we present our gospel drama. After, we are just as dirty as they are. And then we give them sandwiches. One after another, they take them. They scamper off to the sides eating their sandwiches, somehow grateful for this tiny act of kindness. Our Nicaragua friend tells us "they live on less than $20 a week."
$2 a day. For one family.
But here, what constitutes as a family? Is it the 10 year old girl holding her toddler sisters hands? They hang onto her like a mother.
Or is it the many women without a man in sight with 6 kids in tow.
I tell my team, "go, play with them. Love on them." We have 2 short hours.
The little one with dirt under her nose and sad eyes is mine. I sit in the dirt, broken glass, trash and God knows what else lays around me. And I reach for her hand, she hides behind her 10 year old sister/mother. She gives a faint smile, but she doesn't know how much I want to give her love. Her sister says to me with broken eyes, "when will you come back?" How can I tell her this is our only time? She has probably seen it before, people come in for just a few hours and they leave. How can she know all we want to do is bring her home?
After some prodding, a little friend comes to sit on my lap, in the trash covered dump. A language barrier isn't much in these moments. I speak my broken Spanish and she giggles as she teaches me words and I forget them all too quickly. Silly faces for a camera brings them a joy I hadn't seen before. They are so trusting. Physically, they are so impoverished. Food needs to be rationed and clothes are picked up from the mounds of trash. But, they have so much. They have one another, and now, for the first time, they know love.
Lies whisper, "they will forget soon." But those children won't forget. It is something so different, so foreign it will forever be etched on their hearts. Because this kind of love is fierce. Thia kind of love is relentless. This kind of love is fearless. 
This is brave love.

I watched this week as my team of 4 teens, 1 youth group leader, 2 co-staff and myself, an inexperienced leader, felt God's love just a little bit deeper, inspired to live more fully.
It has been so fulfilling to give Bibles to people who have never owned one., to find hope amidst piles of trash and to disciple my team to grow.
At the end of this week, I am overwhelmed by God's affection.
He took me, an inexperienced 19 year old girl to lead a team of teenagers from America to Nicaragua. And the fruit is amazing.
I've seen a girl who used to be paralyzed to speak in front of others share her testimony, a girl with terribly high walls tear them down and let people in for the first time. Teens have led people to the lord. I heard the words, "I want to be a missionary."
The joy of discipleship is something I love to be a part of. lives changed and hearts mended inspires me.
I am learning that God is so big and strong that he can use even me to accomplish his plans. I am the clay and he is the potter. And as my dad always says, "God don't make junk."
I've been in Nicaragua for almost 2 weeks. And I am so hungry to keep falling in love with the Lord, I am so hungry to give him to others.
Here I am. Send me.

The Truth is Who He is

I had a revelation this morning that sums up my week.
If I can't believe that God loves me, my Faith becomes selfish, needy and desperate. It becomes too much about me. But if I can fully understand and grasp his love for me, I'll understand that the glory is all about Him and I can love others more deeply.
The words of insecurity never actually come from my mouth, but sometimes I wonder, "If God loves me, why and how much?' But if I'm constantly searching, desperately yearning for answers and truth I already have, it drains me. It releases from me truth and insecurity. It takes my heart that is shrouded in truth and allows lies to seep inside. And suddenly, it's about me. Suddenly, I'm so blinded by what I need that the needs of others don't seem important. They seem petty and I get irritated by the little things that people do, when instead I should care deeply and love much.
But truth is spoken over my life, and just imagine it. Jesus, the son of God himself, comes to you, takes a hold of your hand looks deep in your eyes and says, "I love you."
Everything changes. Because no longer is it about the insecurities. When your in the presence of God, all fears and doubts are cast away.
 When your so close he's holding your hand,
For the first time again,
it's real.
When you meet True Love face to face,
there's no denying it.
You are loved.
When you are His embrace,
there's no shame,
you are accepted.
When you glimpse His love for you,
there's no stopping it,
You're on fire.
In confidence, you can walk freely and it's no longer about you.
Suddenly, its about Him. Suddenly because he loves me I am free to love. I want to love deeply and give everything. And because I know who He is, I know who I am. It's no longer about myself because I'm assured and confident. When I know His love for me, it's about giving him the glory. And that is the place that I want to be.
This week, I got  a dose of how closely I edged to the cliff of narcissism in not believing God when he says, "I love you." Period. No ifs or buts. Just, "Leah, I love you." And I'm enthralled when he says my name. I'm enraptured by Who he is. 
Be confident in the identity that has been bought for you on the cross. Believe it. Speak it. Ask God to speak life over you, He will. All you must do is believe him. Don't desperately try and chase after an unachievable goal of searching for love when it's been freely given to you.
I choose belief. I choose truth, because the lies are snakes around my neck trying to kill me and I will no longer give them that role. It's no longer about who I am, it's about who my Father in heaven is.
I choose life.
John 10:10 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Surrender

Fighting against the beauty of surrender is a hopeless battle.
Unsatisfied, I forge ahead, letting my imagination fill in the details I have not yet been told. 
I hold in white-knuckled fingers a reality I have no control over.
I lose feeling, it's mine. How can I let go?
My fingers loosen their death grip. "What if," wars within my mind.
My Father looks down, gently touches my hands and whispers, "Let go."
My heart is ready, freedom knocks at the door. Yet I want to go. I want to think of every possible solution I can conjure up and run. Control is an enemy I have danced with for far too long.
Let go is freedom. Surrender will banish fear. But he is another dangerous companion I've allowed access to my heart for longer than necessary.
And the freedom I have felt, the Love I have tasted, I want more.
I want surrender to my Savior more than I could ever want the unfaithful partners of Control and Fear.
An ever faithful Love, holds my fighting heart. He calls me forward to the place I fear. 
So I will let go of this flimsy branch which is a mirage of safety
and trust
Trust is where I get caught. Trust is the place my companion of fear screams "DANGER" in my ear.
But trust is this: an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone.
The character, the ability, the strength and the truth.
"Do you trust me?" The Spirit dances words across my heart.
"Leah, Do you trust me?"
Do I trust Him? Do I believe in his character, his strength, the truth of His words?

What if..

But I know God and "What if.." doesn't seem so important anymore. What if seems meaningless in the Light of who I know my God to be. What if fades away because I know his character.
I believe He is strong enough to defeat the enemies of Fear and Control. I believe He is faithful, loving and trustworthy.
This I believe
I let go.
Momentarily falling, in the clutches of gravity, a force that will drag me down.
"Look up." I'll keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He will catch me.
And even if he doesn't,
The future holds no more fear. Because the present is ever before me.
I have a faithful Love who is not safe, but He is good. I have a faithful Friend who doesn't allow comfort but invites me to adventure. I have a beautiful Jesus whose blood was shed so I could be free. And I have a Father who doesn't force me to step on my own, but walks in front and I will follow. I will walk on his feet. As he dances with me to the music created in the symphony of our love.
I will obey because I love Him. I love Him because I know Him.
"Do you trust Me?"
I do, I trust my Savior.

Known by God

"Leah, trust me." His voice is gentle, as it always has been. His love is steady, as it always has been.
At the beginning of this week I heard God say to me, "Look for expressions of my love to you."
Because in the beginning of this week I didn't know how to describe my feelings, but I was hungry for more of God.
One morning, I took a walk, it was a road that led through the forest, it was so serene, a peacefulness I couldn't quite recreate. But as I was walking, I realized that in my life I had come out of one side of the forest. I had made it through some really hard things, I had wrestled against God to make sense out of hard things, I had fallen deeper into the arms of God. But I had come out and now I was on the road between two forests. I thought, "Jesus, I don't want to go into another forest, it's hard and I don't know what's in there."
He said, "Well, you could walk down the road, you would still see some secrets of the forest.. Or, you could go inside of the forest. Yes, it will be frightening, but it will be adventurous and fun."
As I stood in the middle of that road, weighing the two options in my hand, I decided to go into the forest.  Because I knew there was still so much for me, Jesus had so much for my heart. And I wanted it.
He showed his love to me by speaking to me through nature, one of my favorite things.
This week I was in awe of my relationship with Jesus, it's a daddy/daughter relationship, a lover/beloved relationship and a best friend relationship. He meets all my greatest needs and I can come to him and say, "You are all I need, you are my one true desire."
I won't say all the things Jesus spoke over my life this week, but I will say that he gave me the gift of love. In so many ways, so many beautiful ways that are too lovely to put into words.
I just want to encourage you to find stories of your own. Pursue Jesus deeply, run after him, fall in love with him. Jesus wants a personal relationship with you. You can't have a personal relationship without two way communication. You can't just word vomit on Jesus and call it a relationship, you must let him speak to you, you have to let him love you! He wants to go deep, He wants to give you love.
In so many different places in the Bible God says, "I know you." Galatians 4:9 says, "Now that you know God--or rather are known by God..." The word for know in these passages is to know in an intimate, personal way." It is the same word that was used when Even became pregnant with Adam's child. "Adam knew even and she concieved." This is the word God uses to say he wants to know us with! This is crazy! God wants to know us! He doesn't need us, he wants us!
His love is surprising, so overwhelming, that I cannot describe it.
I want you to experience it for yourselves!
So those of you who have never experienced this incredible love, who have never quite recognized his voice, take the time today to be still before him. Ask him for a revelation of himself to you, he will give it to you.

Carry Your Candle

This week we talked about calling. And it becomes a little overwhelming when you have absolutely no idea what your going to do with your life and your just kind of along for the ride. But promise after promise poured down from heaven this week. Telling me in tiny ways that my Father, my best friend, the God of this entire universe has a specific, intricate plan for my life.
He gave me a promise with Psalm 40:5, it says

Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

Even though I cannot see it, even though I am blind to the daunting details of the future, my God hands me a candle. He ignites the flame in my heart, and it grows. He fashions my heart as my faith in Him grows so much bigger. Then he takes my candle and shines the light in the dark little room of the presence with the future screaming at me from the dark corners. 
He takes the Light of his Hope and shines it in the corner. He gently says to me, "See, there aren't any monsters," reassuring the deepest parts of my heart from my greatest fears.
He hands the candle back to me and tells me that it will be my job to bring the hope to the scary dark world. It will be a part of my future to take my hope, my light, my joy and testimony to the world. 
And suddenly I have been imparted with a huge task. The darkness tells me to stay away and live captivated in fear. But my Savior reminds me of the candle in my hands, of the hope and peace and joy it contains. 
Yet even greater is the adventure calling whispering secrets of excitement and joy. It tells me of moments that will take my breath away. Moments where I see freedom release the hearts that are bound in chains, moments when children's cries will be stopped in my arms, moments when a woman cries in my lap and meets my precious Jesus face to face. These moments remind me how worth it this adventure will be. 
Never do I want to go back to the daily mundane of a 9-5 because my heart has been captured in the sweetest of chains and I have never felt so free. 
With the Holy Spirit in my heart whispering promises to the depths of my soul, the candle I hold that grows with my excitement and faith, and my feet ready to run, I will go. 

Sometimes I feel stuck, especially in waiting for another mission trip just around the corner. But I remember there is learning in the waiting. I remember in these moments that I am furthering my capacity to love with the intimacy I experience with Jesus and I am developing my skills to teach the things that have been imparted to me.
I remember the moments of planning for trips to Cherokee and India. I remember being in awe of the worthiness of it as I sat crosslegged with a little boy in Cherokee and he asked Jesus into his heart. Or I got to say, "Jesus loves you." to a little girl in India. Or I hold a girl at camp as she cries into my arms. I remember how worth it it is.

It's in those moments where words cannot express my love for Jesus. I stand in awe as he pours his love back on my heart. How beautiful. How beautiful it will be.

Though my heart is bound in the sweetest of chains, I am free to be me.
Though my heart cannot wait to go, I am free to "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Though the details of the future seem to be monsters hiding in the corner and my calling is not completely clear. I know that I am called to live a life of purity, faith and love radically following my God. And for now, that looks like seeing each step as he reveals it to me moment by moment.

 Today at church the sermon was about Jesus raising Lazurus to life. Not only did he bring him to life again, he commanded him to take off the grave clothes. He said "Life is more than just oxygen, it's about freedom. He came to bring us life and life abundantly!" I have come to this place where I can say, "Jesus, you are the only thing I need." It is the most freeing of places and I have life abundantly.
So I will carry my candle and light up the darkest places with hope, joy, testimony and life.

Hope Will Lead Us On

HOPE: to cherish a desire with anticipation; to expect with confidence

TRUST: a belief that someone is good, honest, reliable.

 Earlier this week I came to a realization that if things seem hopeless and a situation is desolate, I take my heart out of the situation and accept the fact that things won't ever change.
I said, "God, how can I hope for this?"
His words came immediately, "Leah, have you seen me be faithful before?"
And I have. I've seen His faithfulness in so many ways. In my broken heart as He healed it in his timing. With so many children in India, Cherokee and at Yolijwa. I've seen his faithfulness come through again and again.
Why was this so hard?
Because Love hurts. And if I choose love in this situation, it will hurt. But it will be worth it because Hope does not disappoint. This truth is whispered to me in Romans 5:5.
It says this
"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

It is hope that allows God's love to be poured even deeper into my heart. It is His Love that keeps me thriving.
I will choose to hope. I will allow it to permeate every circumstance I pray fervently for. I will allow it to be the window to the light that shines show brightly just outside the window. I will remember God's faithfulness to me and I will Hope for the future.

Little Wonders

1 Peter 1:9 "though you so not see him, you love him. Though you do not see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory."

I have not seen Him, but I have come to know Him. It's real and tangible. Although my fingertips cannot touch his face, I can feel him there. Though my eyes have not looked into His, I have seen Him in every sunrise, butterfly and rainbow. I have heard him in every gentle breeze across my soul.
I know him.
The promises he writes on my soul, the way he made me fearfully and wonderfully.
I know him.
I feel him in the soft brush of the breeze. He is the devastating winds to my complacent heart. He is the constant lap of water on my feet, and the waves that destroy my shore.
I know him.
I have tasted and I have seen the goodness of the Lord. Have you felt him the way I have?
I want everyone to experience this love. This deep, intimate place where he speaks life over the death in my heart, where he rises up the ashes of the hopeless winter. It is s beautiful thing to feel emotions with such depth. One of the greatest things of feeling everything so deeply is that I get this relationship. This love that is inexplicable. But feeling things so deeply involves taking others pain as my own. I can feel, I can relate. I can make the hurt mine. So often it weighs me down and crushes my spirit. But promises have been spoken over me this week. It is not my burden to carry, I am here to feel, hold people above the waves and point them to the Lighthouse. My role in feeling so deeply is intercession, love and understanding in the pain. My place is never to be their Savior, never to change their circumstances, but to be a prayer warrior, a lover and a friend. Because I have a God who loves them so much more deeply than me. And that places me in awe. Because not only is he the God of every single person that walks this earth. He is the God of little wonders. Who paints me pictures of his love. Who takes me out into places that seem to have never been discovered before, and he created them just for me to be in awe of his glory and fall in love with him once again. Because I've fallen so deep, I am drowning in an ocean  of love, mercy and grace. It compels me to want to share it with the whole world.

Sing Your Song

"Leah, be a bird. Be free, sing your song." 
These are the words I feel deep within my heart as I spent time with Jesus early this morning. The birds are free, nothing restrains them. They fly to and from. They sing their songs loud. And on this early spring morning their songs became evident to me. One was excited, another was peaceful. One had an angry cry. And they all sang their song. Honestly and freely.
And after a week of learning about my personality, I can't help but make the connection of the freedom I am called to.
Some birds sit on a tree branch for hours. Some fly far and long.
They are all so different. But they all sing their song. They all be who they are created to be. They never conform to one another. They are just themselves.
Why is it so hard to be free? Why do we think it will benefit us to keep the invisible shackles around our wrists that bind us to be someone we are not? Why is freedom so frightening? I'm not sure yet. But I want to live free.
Bondage creeps up so quickly. He hides in the corner of my room. I let him in too often.
India I discovered the life in freedom. I want to keep that with everything in me.
Jesus makes me come alive. So I'll pursue him. I'll be the bird that he has called me to be.
His grace is so evident to me when I choose to walk in stubbornness. His grace is so evident to me when I tell him that I can maintain it all on my own. I don't need anyone.
But, oh How I need Him.
And it's here that I can feel the extravagance of his love, the depth of his grace and the joy in His freedom. Yet I don't want to stay here. I want to find how deep, how long, how far and how great his love is. I want to drown deeper in the ocean of who He is and I want to be so much freer as every weight and chain falls off and I press on toward the goal of the prize of which He has called me heavenward.

For Your Glory

Sometimes I find myself in that place where I cannot put words to the emotions, where I cannot explain the feelings stirring deep within me. This time it was overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but it's like I'm drowning in an ocean of You. The qualities of who you are weigh on the things I cannot understand, your incredible beauty.

 Oh, how lovely you are.

 Your wrath against my very nature.

 Oh, how holy you are. 

You built the tabernacle to find a place near to me, you built it as a bridge to let imperfection meet the Holy of Holies. 

And because of your great love, now the Holy of Holies resides in my heart. Just think about that! The holiest thing, so bright you cannot see without dying, lives within you! 

 Oh, how phenomenal you are. 

And I'm on my knees again, arms raised high whispering a thanksgiving to my Creator, my Redeemer and my Lover that will never suffice. It's in this place that the pain and the hurt whisper at my heart, persuading me that God has failed me, that I say, "Jesus, I just want to see your face. Please." But it's in that moment when He is so close that I can feel his arms wrapped around me and he is so close I can almost touch him that I can say, "It will be worth it. This will be worth it. I have to believe that." It is in that place that I remember the look on my mom's face when she saw Jesus, when she looked into his eyes and left this earth behind. It's in that place where I remember the man in India see Jesus for the first time, that he denounced all the other gods. They saw Jesus, the met him face to face in that moment, they saw his worth and were willing to give up everything. I have to hold onto that when things get hard and I cannot press forward on my own strength. He whispers these precious promises to me, "Beloved, Be free, Be mine." 

These are all promises I must choose to walk in. I must choose to be loved so I can in turn give it away. Jesus unlocked the chains on my wrists but I must remove the shackles. I must choose to rest solely in his love. This God is not a god who just calls me to serve Him. He served me first, He loved me first. He is God. So worthy of my adoration. So incredibly overwhelming, I'm drowning in all of his attributes and characteristics. I'm amazed at His grace and His love. I'm still breathing, yet I have seen His holiness. Moses had to turn his face, Isaiah had to taste a burning coal, I have Him living within me.

The Holy of Holies lives inside of me!

I'm passionate about Him because He is passionate about Him. Anyone else, it would be pride. But he is God and he longs for his worship. He died for it! 

This is for your glory. This life is offered up to you, for your glory. 

Love, Raw and Dangerous

I didn't know that India would capture my heart the way it did. I don't think it was the place, it wasn't the glorious landscape or the mounds of rice that stole my heart. No, it wasn't the trash or the poverty. It couldn't have been that. What was it about this place that stole my heart? I think it was the eyes that were tunnels that led straight to the depths of their souls. It was the heartbreak and repetition written on every woman's face. It was the confusion mixed with desperation and joy when a child felt something different from us.

It wasn't because we were white, yes, that brought them close, but what allowed us into their hearts for just a moment was Jesus. We were glowing, not just our skin, our hearts. They could see it in our eyes and they wanted it. And that was love. It was that one thing, that one raw and dangerous emotion that tied my heart to the country of India.

 An overabundant, never-ending fountain of love. It started in the morning as I spent time with Jesus as he whispered it across my soul. Showing me exactly what my heart needed, rescuing my from pride that could so easily step in. He whispered the words so often early in my trip, "Stay soft, Leah." Preparing my heart for the outpouring of this love. Giving me my sustenance, my joy, my peace, to sustain me.  But it didn't end there, because throughout the day, I just felt this overwhelming urge to tell these people, these children about the love that I know so personally. It wasn't just words, it was real. "Jesus loves you so much," was a truth they had to know. I needed them to understand. In those moments, I felt Jesus' heart for them. How he undoubtedly loved them, How he was pursuing them through the strangest of instruments, me. He orchestrated this moment in time in the most beautiful of ways. His Love flowed through me that gave me a capacity to love. And I never ran out, it was endless. Psalm 92:2 was so real. It is good... to declare your steadfast love in the morning and your faithfulness by night."
The morning I knew his love and by the end of the day the only words I could express were words of gratitude. I sat on the roof many nights with my friend, Liz, and said, "God is so faithful."

I remember holding a little girl in my arms as we walked through the village. The look on her face was confused. She hadn't known this. But she was reveling in it. When she was just walking beside me she had been excited, jumping up and down, but now, she was peaceful, soaking in something different, something that resonated with her heart. Her eyes that led to her soul showed me a glimmer of gratitude because for the first time, she knew what it meant to be held, to be loved.

So how did a home so different from my own take my heart? It was Love Himself.
It's the same with Camp Yolijwa and Cherokee, North Carolina.
They are both places I learned to give love, places I felt my Savior so strongly, that my heart was stolen, captured.
Maybe it's not the places that have a hold on my heart, although I left pieces of my heart behind in those beautiful places, but it's Jesus.

And I have come to the conclusion, Love is a raw and dangerous place to be. Love is hard and can sometimes break your heart. But if you close your heart, you'll miss it. If your heart is stone, you won't see it. Love breathed life into my soul, but it put me at the greatest risk, because I've given my heart to so many, I could fear there will be nothing left. Love is the greatest emptier, but it's also the greatest filler. I've poured it on so many people, but I've gotten so much in return. I didn't know a little child who didn't speak my language could give me so much love. Or an old woman with tumors on her face could hug me and put me in the place of Love, but she did. Love has the potential to hurt, Love holds the ability to break you, and sever your heart in two. Love can leave you with wounds that lay open for a long time, hurts that have been rubbed raw. But at the same time, Love is the most healing of places, and it is worth every single jagged breath I breathe.
Because love is raw and dangerous, but Love is the most adventurous, the most fulfilling. And I will choose love with every step.

My God is Faithful

I sit to write this blog that I've been trying to write for about 2 weeks now and I am at a loss of words for how to describe my past five months. So many words float in my head, but none quite fit this indescribable feeling. None of the words would begin to explain how credulously alive I have become. How my finiteness compared to my Creator's infinity has put me in awe. I could say how India taught me so much about myself, but that would pale in comparison to how much it taught me about my Savior, my Friend and my Jesus.

My God is so Faithful.

Those are the only words that even begin to come close. He is so wonderfully, beautifully, and incredibly faithful. His love is so captivating, He has stolen my heart and I'm never going back to what once was.
5 months ago I drove to Louisville, Kentucky with absolutely no idea what I was getting into. I jumped into a lake and had not a clue where the bottom was or what was in the water. I followed God's leading and have been brought to the most glorious place.
5 months ago the Lord took my heart on a journey. A journey I'm still on and one I pray will never end. It has been hard but oh, it has been so beautiful and exciting.
He took this heart and healed it. From my beginning, all I ever wanted to do with my life was help people, love on people. And he has taught me how. He healed the broken places of my heart I never wanted anyone to see. He held me as I expressed every emotion that had been pent-up for years. Sometimes I yelled and got really angry. Sometimes I cried. But oh, how faithful He was. He showed me freedom. He showed me a love deeper than I had ever felt. He plunged into the depths with me. I love going deep. Deep into the ocean and deep into hearts. And now I'm free, now I'm captured by a love that holds me in the sweetest of chains.
India taught me how to love, whether it was holding a woman who just needed to cry into someone's arms as she felt a glimpse of the love of her Savior, or it was holding a little girls hand saying, "I know what it's like to lose a mommy too." Or maybe it was standing across from a girl who knew the love of Jesus but everyone around her didn't, and she didn't know how to keep on going by herself. India taught me that sometimes I can't fix things. Sometimes I can't hold things together, but I can be Jesus' hands and feet to the needy. I can sit in a dark-lit room or sit in the dirt with children and just be the person they need me to be, Jesus. Or I can play with orphans who never knew a parent's love or don't understand what happened to their parents, and I can give them love, but they give me so much more. How is that?
How is it that I went to India to tell them about Jesus, a place that worships 300 million other gods, yet they taught me so much more about Jesus? How does that happen? It's because His heart is for humanity. It's for me, It's for the women that couldn't quite see that the baby in her arms was God's faithfulness to her, when she had prayed to him as a last resort and he had provided a baby after 8 years of praying to false gods. It was for Sweta. It was for Pandireyvadi, and for Keithana and Pavithat and Ama. It was for every single Indian I came into contact with and remember their face but not their name. It was for every one who had a story and I had a privilege to listen to. His love is so deep and so wide. His heart is so big, so strong and so mighty there is nothing He cannot do.
He is the God who has left his trace all over humanity.
He is my God who doesn't just say, "Leah, trust me." He is my God who has shown me why I should trust him. He has proved his faithfulness to me again and again. Over and Underneath, in every single place I might have had an ounce of doubt, it has been obliterated, because I have seen the love and faithfulness of my Jesus and I am never going back. I will choose to follow my Jesus who has become my everything wherever He wants to take me. Because He is faithful and my heart is His.

And now you may ask what is next for me? I'll be in Lancaster for about a month to fundraise and hang out with friends and family, then I'll be returning to Louisville for the secondary school. It is the School of Ministry Development. I will study leadership and develop my calling and my passions. And then this summer I will go on another outreach!

Sweta, Augustia and Me

Her name was Sweta. She trailed behind me in the village. Leading a stash of children, loneliness radiated from her being. I would turn and smile and wave at her she would hide her face and fall back with the crowd. "What is your name?" I ask. She doesn't understand.
We lead the children to the center of the village doing a program for them. At the end our translator said to pray for the children. Everything in me screamed "tell her about Jesus!" How could I? She didn't know my name. The Spirit inside me gently whispered, "Tell her I love her."
Her eyes captured me. Her loneliness compelled me. The dot on her forehead motivated me. The language barrier terrified me. But in obedience I turn to this little girl, and with some prodding  and other children's help, I learned her name was Sweta and she was 4. But she ran away. I prayed for a few more children, but I had to tell her. So I followed her and room her hand. I start to say the most important truth I have ever been told, and a girl, my angel, appeared out of nowhere. She said "I'll translate." I said, "Sweta, Jesus loves you so much!" She smiled, and lingered with me for a while. The other girls name was Augustia. She said "I love Jesus too." I got to encourage her and tell he to share Jesus with her friends. Her father is away and she said "I miss him, but Jesus is my friend.
I made two friends that night and I learned my obedience will be rewarded. If God tells me to go, he will provide a way for it to work. He is faithful, and he cared enough about a little girl named Sweta. I pray she will always remember the white girl who held her hand and gave her the greatest gift she could receive. God cared enough about Augustia who was a little discouraged to be the only one who loved Jesus to send me to encourage her heart. And he cares enough about me to teach me a tiny lesson of obedience. The way Jesus aligned all of our stories together amazed me.

So this week we have moved to Salem, India. The food is so much spicier and India hasn't gotten any less silly or rediculous. Like  stopping our van because the is a herd of goats in the middle of the road. But his voice is so clear to me, and I am finding the line between recieving his love in the morning, and giving it throughout the day, pouring into these people. And at the end of the day singing of his faithfulness. 

Dynamite

What a week it has been. A few words to sum it up: God is so faithful, God is so good. God loves you so much!

So many eyes watch me, as if the words I have to say are the most valuable things they have ever heard. I feel the familiar pounding of my heart, knowing that because of their story I just heard, mine might change their lives. I launch into a story I know to well, my own. This woman takes care of 8 children. 4 of her own, 4 of her deceased sister's. I tell them of a pain similar, a hurt they know just as well, but I add one thing they didn't experience. The love of Jesus, the goodness and the faithfulness of my God. I am blown away that God still chooses to use my story, almost on a daily basis, even though it isn't finished, even though it sometimes still hurts a lot, even though sometimes I wrestle with God, he still chooses to use me in my imperfection.
Maybe I'll never see the impact of my story, maybe I'll never know if it was worth it, but the strength God gives me each time, the words and the passion that come from the deep places within me, tell me that it is worth it.
Because when Jesus whispers to me, "When you are weak, then you are strong." Someone once told me the greek translation of the word strong in that Bible verse actually means dynamite. He tells me I am dynamite.Each time I share words that come straight from God, or bible verses to a hurting family, I know I am dynamite. Each time I pray, Jesus reminds me I have the same power that raised him from the dead within me. I am dynamite.
I can only hope with all my heart that years down the road the five year old girl who lost her mom will remember the white girl that held her hand and said, "I understand." I can only pray the woman who was distracted by the fact that we were so white and a baby chipmunk was in our hands, will remember the words of the gospel, the words she prayed, not just adding another god to her list, but realizing how worth it he is. Or maybe one of the 1000 children we spoke in front of, representing 84 villages would have their lives change and take it home to their families.
It brings me so much joy to return to villages after a week and have children shout my name, only wanting to touch my hand and see if I still remember the very little Tamil they taught me.So much joy to see a man and woman have healed legs, but more importantly healed hearts because they asked him to be their Savior.
Dramas, schools, photography and babies. I love this ministry so much!!
And as I finish this week, this blog, I hear Jesus whispering, "You're dynamite." And I can't help but smile (:

One Girl, One Village, One God

One girl from a little town in America with nothing to offer except a testimony of the Lord's faithfulness. Sent to one woman in one village in one city in this one world to share the love of Jesus and his faithfulness. One God to go before me.

The faithfulness of the one true God is incredible to me. For years a woman waited to have a baby, losing 2 in the process. For years she prayed to her false gods... nothing happened. Two years ago, some missionaries came and prayed with her for a child. 2 years later I'm sitting in her yard as she holds her precious son, and tells me, "I still worship the other gods." 

How, when she has seen the faithfulness of the one true God, can she still say I worship this stone who cannot see me, cannot hear her?

How can she hold that promise of God in her arms and still say no? 

So I pray with my feeble words that my story will leave a footprint and she will remember the words we say to her. I pray that she will find healing because she has seen where I have been.

I'm in awe at how the Lord has chosen to use me, he has said, "Leah, I love you and I chose you to do this task because I want them!"

I am loved enough by God to be a vessel that carries his message of love to a tiny village in India, where as I sit sharing my testimony a herd of goats runs around me and I can't help but giggle and say "Oh India..." I am loved enough by God to satisfy my need of seeing results as he says, "My grace is sufficient." I am loved by a God who paints a beautiful sunrise for me when I hike a mountain at 5 am to sing praises to him. I am loved enough by God to stay behind and meet this amazing old woman whose eyes are desperate. Or to see a little girl in a school and smile at her because despite the fact that she has a hindu dot on her forehead, her eyes tell me differently. She has Jesus in her heart and I pray that she holds him close. I am loved to encourage a 16 year old girl whose family doesn't know Jesus but she tells me, "I still pray." I am loved that much to be given all these stories, to be used by God for all his glory.

This week I'm learning what the old camp song I learned as a child means to me, "Listen to the Lord as he speaks softly, listen to the words of perfect man, listen to the Lord as he speaks softly Listen even when you don't understand." 

Well, I have had so many silly memories this week like accidentally cursing the ground where the apples come from while trying to pronounce a child's name, and also some beautiful things like sharing my testimony on the dirt floor of an Indian hut or listening to Indian Christian's pray in Tamil or sing praises to the Lord. I've seen prayers answered when I pray that God will fill this new church and a stash of children come in from the village. I have found what I love, being surrounded by children as I teach them the love of Jesus (:

Prayer requests: 

-the language barrier has been very difficult for me... pray that I wouldn't withhold words because I don't want to overwhelm the translator.

-pray for rain!

-pray for our team's unity (:

I'll see you next week!!

Oh India

 Sitting cross-legged in a tiny hut, on the other side of the world, drinking chai, with as many people that you could pack in that tiny dark-lit space. There is hope in this room, the people's stories are incredible that stretch across time, and even if I have just one hour will this family, will I use it to share the never-ending love that I have? The unbroken hope that lives inside me?

Oh India is all you can say, when you are driving down the street and pretty convinced you are going to hit another car, horns honking and cows EVERYWHERE, holding baby chickens that randomly walk into the hut. I've been here a week and have had probably 300 cups of chai tea. The food is so painfully spicy sometimes, but the Lord is giving me grace. I try to pronounce children's names but end up cursing the place the apples come from... teaching duck duck goose as hen hen cow and seeing so much joy in their faces..
There is trash everywhere, but this place is so beautiful, you can see it when you look into their stunning eyes. The poverty is not so overwhelming when you see the way they face it with strength. They are a people of worship, the story of Jesus is a strange one for them to accept, but I believe our love will show them still a better way.

Because when I look into the eyes of little girl whose eyes are so full of wonder because someone is showing her an ounce of love, my heart breaks because this is something so new to her. When the children laugh because they think it is so silly that I cannot pronounce their words, and all I want to do is tell them Jesus loves you, but the language barrier is almost the same as miles. But I've learned to give love by looking into their eyes, touching their hands, that no one else will touch. My heart is shattered as I walk through a hindu temple and watch a mother teach her child how to lay on the ground, still, worshiping idols that will never breathe. My heart is with the woman who was alone, cursed by witchcraft, in her tiny hut who just longed to feel our touch. The children didn't follow us into her home like they did the others, maybe she was untouchable, but touch is a language that reaches in and destroys the pain.  Looking into the eyes of a woman, who hasn't quite found healing for losing her mom, and being able to share the healing God has brought to me.

Well, lunch is ready, so I gotta go! Thanks for your prayers and such!

Prayer Requests:
The Indians need rain. It hasn't rained her in Madurai and it is making them live in hopeless poverty. Pray that it will come and they'll know it is from the Lord.
That we will be able to be bold and confident sharing our faith.