maybe New Year's was not a joyful celebration but a deep sigh of relief: you are still here. you are stronger than you thought.
maybe it was a small smile of hope because you knew that on your own you were not capable.
But those people, those stubborn, beautiful people you call your friends won't let go of you.
and maybe you went to sleep happy but you woke up and it was the same.
the same messy thoughts.
the same family.
the same hellish confusion.
the same school.
the same problems.
the same you.
maybe you're discouraged,
because maybe, like me, you battle lies that tell you that you barely moved forward.
that it was a waste of a year. that you didn't make an impact.
oh sweet friend, I know what it's like.
the lies get so loud sometimes, and it feels like you've fallen off the mountain that you have baby stepped your way up.
you spend all this time letting your heart be healed, but just when you think you are ready to expose your scar to the world, you realize, the skin wasn't yet strong enough and you are bleeding again and it hurts the same and you wonder if you will ever be whole again.
if I'm being honest it was a long year. it was a hard year. I spent a lot of nights breathing prayers into my pillowcase as my exhausted mind drifted into sleep. there was a lot of anxiety, pressing heavy into my heart, for silly little things, evidence of a much deeper pain. There was the constant voice of my therapist in my head: "Leah, lean into the anxiety, you are not in control." There was a release of shame that I even saw a therapist, to admit my need and put it before other things. and there was a whole lot of trust. an opening of my clenched fists, realizing nothing was there in the first place and a filling of hope. I convinced myself I was holding onto things only an omniscient God had the ability to hold together. I convinced myself that I was protecting everyone I loved by being everywhere all the time, constantly having my phone on, sacrificing my sleep, my time and myself.
this is not selflessness.
I learned that self-care is putting others first. I learned that it isn't always bubble baths, but its journaling my mess of thoughts, its stepping onto an airplane and walking straight into the unknown, its admitting that I'm broken too. And its a long long long walk, finally letting my thoughts slip into silence and my heart calm.
Let me tell you. I am in awe of you. The way you keep shining after the night you didn't think you would survive. The way you stand after the panic knocked the breath out of your lungs again. The way you love the broken with all your broken pieces. I am amazed by you. The way you pursue your degree. The way you stepped down from a promotion to take care of you. The way you donate to charities even though you barely made ends meet. The way you fall in love even when your heart has been broken. The way you courageously talk about the light, slicing your darkness to ruins. I am so proud of you. You feel like you haven't made any progress but look at the mountains you have conquered. Turn around and see their power and splendor. You didn't let them stop you. I am in awe of you. You have such a beautiful soul.
Please realize that so many people are in awe of you. Please know how lovely you are. Please don't let the world tell you any differently.
If the lies are winning, look up.
If the lies have your eyes tethered to the ground, reach out.
If the lies locked your hands in chains, cry out.
Because my love, the truth is for even you.
maybe it was a small smile of hope because you knew that on your own you were not capable.
But those people, those stubborn, beautiful people you call your friends won't let go of you.
and maybe you went to sleep happy but you woke up and it was the same.
the same messy thoughts.
the same family.
the same hellish confusion.
the same school.
the same problems.
the same you.
maybe you're discouraged,
because maybe, like me, you battle lies that tell you that you barely moved forward.
that it was a waste of a year. that you didn't make an impact.
oh sweet friend, I know what it's like.
the lies get so loud sometimes, and it feels like you've fallen off the mountain that you have baby stepped your way up.
you spend all this time letting your heart be healed, but just when you think you are ready to expose your scar to the world, you realize, the skin wasn't yet strong enough and you are bleeding again and it hurts the same and you wonder if you will ever be whole again.
if I'm being honest it was a long year. it was a hard year. I spent a lot of nights breathing prayers into my pillowcase as my exhausted mind drifted into sleep. there was a lot of anxiety, pressing heavy into my heart, for silly little things, evidence of a much deeper pain. There was the constant voice of my therapist in my head: "Leah, lean into the anxiety, you are not in control." There was a release of shame that I even saw a therapist, to admit my need and put it before other things. and there was a whole lot of trust. an opening of my clenched fists, realizing nothing was there in the first place and a filling of hope. I convinced myself I was holding onto things only an omniscient God had the ability to hold together. I convinced myself that I was protecting everyone I loved by being everywhere all the time, constantly having my phone on, sacrificing my sleep, my time and myself.
this is not selflessness.
I learned that self-care is putting others first. I learned that it isn't always bubble baths, but its journaling my mess of thoughts, its stepping onto an airplane and walking straight into the unknown, its admitting that I'm broken too. And its a long long long walk, finally letting my thoughts slip into silence and my heart calm.
Let me tell you. I am in awe of you. The way you keep shining after the night you didn't think you would survive. The way you stand after the panic knocked the breath out of your lungs again. The way you love the broken with all your broken pieces. I am amazed by you. The way you pursue your degree. The way you stepped down from a promotion to take care of you. The way you donate to charities even though you barely made ends meet. The way you fall in love even when your heart has been broken. The way you courageously talk about the light, slicing your darkness to ruins. I am so proud of you. You feel like you haven't made any progress but look at the mountains you have conquered. Turn around and see their power and splendor. You didn't let them stop you. I am in awe of you. You have such a beautiful soul.
Please realize that so many people are in awe of you. Please know how lovely you are. Please don't let the world tell you any differently.
If the lies are winning, look up.
If the lies have your eyes tethered to the ground, reach out.
If the lies locked your hands in chains, cry out.
Because my love, the truth is for even you.
