The First Step into the Rest of my Life

The latest question that people have nonstop asked me for the past six months of my life.
"So, what are you doing now?"
"What are your plans?"
"When's your next adventure?"
"How long are you home for?"
The question became quite the annoyance to answer considering I had zero answers.
I'm nannying.
No, I don't know my plans.
No, I don't know my next adventure.
No, I don't know how long I'm here for.

Waiting on the Lord to speak felt like forever. As I mentioned in my last blog, He had many things to work in me as I waited. Things I could only gain in the specific season of waiting for the next step of my life. He built in me unquenchable Hope in who He is and what He is doing in the lives around me and mine. He has strengthened my trust in Him, reminding me countless times of people in the Bible when you can through, without question. He showed me all the times in my life that He has done that for me.
Up until January I still really wanted to go back to YWAM Louisville. I was hoping and praying that I would complete my time at home in obedience and then the Lord would finally open the door to go back.
But in January I went down to Louisville with my friend. And while I was there God opened my eyes to how YWAM had been my launching pad, not my ministry to stay in. I would never get back the season I had there. My time with YWAM had been a much needed time of discipleship, healing and learning. It had been a time of discovering my passions and my spiritual gifts. It was an incredible time with deeper friendships than I'll ever know, friendships I'll never let go.
And when I came home, I was at peace. But now the questions became, "What now?"
My own plans slipped through my fingertips. It was God saying, "Leah, trust me. I have things for you that you'll never imagine."
And the waiting began again, and I began to wonder if it would ever end. My favorite band sang, "If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go."
But in the perfect timing, God started stirring. My dreams started growing and my mind started working.
I am about to say something I never thought I would say. It has taken a miracle to say it.
I am going to college.
One day I was telling my best friend that I didn't ever want to go to college. And less than two weeks later, I was on my way to applying, and excited about it.
My dreams started growing for helping people in deeper ways than I was capable. I started realizing how I wanted to skillfully meet the deeper needs of one's heart. I wanted discipleship and I wanted to be a missionary.
And I don't know how else to tell you that I know, except that I know college is the next step for me.

So I am excited to announce that in the Fall of 2015 I will be attending Lancaster Bible College majoring in Professional Counseling working towards a Master's.
I am ecstatic and terrified that this is my next step.
Since finding out, I go through waves of fear and excitement.
But ultimately, I cannot wait for what the Lord is going to do and where He is going to take me.

Winter Snow

"You came in like a winter snow.
Quiet and soft and slow."

It's been a winter of the soul. The spring and summer were magnificent. The beauty of what happened when my soul finally came alive after so long happened quickly and gloriously. I was free and innocent, daughter of my father in heaven, dancing with him after a terrible tumble that left me in despair for far too long. My trust grew as he awakened spring in my soul and slowly led me, slowly showed me how to dance again. I was alive and I wanted to explore the depth of every forest and every field that He had grown within me and around me. The summer was just that, I ran through every field and every forest. Baffled as a child looking at every intricacy of life God created for me. Amazed, standing on mountaintops. Full of praise looking back at the valleys of tears that He had wiped away. I found new and beautiful places to step foot in, I discovered what pleased his heart and learned how to thrive when everything and everyone around me was so alive. I developed this passionate desire to bring life to every soul, every heart.

But you've already read about that season in my life. 

And then God called me back to the place I wanted to be least. And this winter season of my soul began. I opened my eyes and realized the sun had gotten lower in the sky. 

The fall came quickly, seemingly stealing life from my heart and I had to burrow down deep. 

I was lonely with few local friends, I was fighting battles daily against my flesh and I was waiting for that moment when Jesus would tell me to go back into the ever-green forest that brought me so much life and gave me so much passion. But he wasn't speaking about that. He was showing me that this winter wouldn't last forever. He was telling me that hope would not disappoint me. A lie I had believed for too long was going to be broken. 

"Hope." He said. "Hope in me. Hope in who I am, not in what you can do." 

The lyrics from my favorite Christian band became my melody. 

"If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go." "I could just sit and wait for all your goodness, hope to feel your presence again, but you have called me higher, you have called me deeper." "If there is victory, you sing it over me now, your peace is a melody, you sing it over me now."

The winter has been long. Longer than I've ever known anything to last.

Yesterday, we had a glimpse of spring. My heart was happier than the sun. I had flipflops on and there was this deep joy in my heart, not because of of the spring, but because I know that God is bringing the spring back in my life. 

And I've seen that I needed the winter. I have desperately needed it just as much as I needed the spring. 

The winter has taught me how to hope steadfastly. It has taught me how to hope in The Lord as my only source and nothing else. The winter has taught me to wait. Patiently. For his timing and no one else's. 

It has taught me that his grace truly is sufficient for me. Days I go without are train wrecked. Days where Jesus is the number one flow. 

This winter has also allowed a season of stillness to cultivate new friendships. Coming home in the fall, all my local friends were either super busy with college or far off. And within the last few months, I have developed a deep friendship that I wouldn't have found if I hadn't had this season.

I am thankful for the winter and for the things it has cultivated within me.

One of my favorite music artist's Audrey Assad sings a song called Winter Snow. She sings, "You came in like a winter snow, quiet and soft and slow."

Like the winter snow that so gently falls, calming the world, stilling the wind and trees, was how The Lord came.
So gently He came and told me of the coming season, Gently He has worked the things I've needed for the next season within me.
He came to me like a winter snow.
And now, Spring is coming. The spring is blossoming in my heart. 

Four Hundred and Ninety Times

The question was imposed upon Jesus, "How often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?
I believe Jesus was slightly broken by this questions, thinking "Seriously? You still don't get it?"
But Jesus replies with an answer that baffles the minds of all listening.
He says "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."
In the ears of the fellow Jews, in the culture they were living in, they knew Jesus was implying that it was not four hundred and ninety times in a lifetime, but in one twenty-four hour period.
He was in a sense saying, "Forgive the same sin on the same day every two minutes."
There is a person in my life who I feel as if I must forgive her of the same sin on the same day every thirty seconds. And let me tell you, it's hard.
I've been telling her, Yes, I forgive you. It's okay. It's fine.
But I thought about it. Am I really forgiving her? Or am I still holding all the things against her in my heart? I've put stipulations on her, I'll forgive you when you change. I'll forgive you when I see you choosing to walk away from the things you are doing. If you do this, then you will be worthy to receive my forgiveness.

What if Jesus did that to me? 

What if Jesus said, "I'll forgive you when I see your change. I won't believe your repentance until to stop these sins that you just seem to write off as unimportant."
No conditions, no stipulations He has looked at my sin and covered it with His blood. He has said to me "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in me."

I have read Romans 8 a million times and recently, I have decided to memorize it. And no matter how many times I have read it, I've missed something so vital. Repeating it again and again to myself, I've had a revelation.
He tells us that setting the mind on the things of the Spirit is to live by the Spirit and to set the mind on things of the flesh is to live by the flesh. Even though, I've grown up in the church, these words get lost amidst the other words that we associate with fluent church language.
Put to death the deeds of the flesh, we say. Live by the Spirit. And often, I think, that because the Holy Spirit dwells within me, I have already done this. I already live by the Spirit, so why worry?
Living by the Spirit is a choice.
When I choose the Spirit, I gain life abundantly over living within a spirit of fear.
I gain peace over worry. I am valued as a child of God, completely secure in my identity over desperately trying to do things to fit in.
I see the direction for my life instead of choosing some random path because of my lack of trust.
The list need not continue because the benefits of choosing to listen, hear and obey the Spirit are more valuable than choosing the momentary distractions of the flesh.

Love is greater than anything I have ever known. Love has pursued me and filled me up. Love is overflowing out of me because of what has been done for me. And I come to know that it is empowered supernaturally within me. Only with the Spirit can I be patient and not irritable and steadfast for those who need it. Only with Love Himself can I love and be loved.

Four Hundred and Ninety times. Live by the Spirit four hundred and ninety times. Choose forgiveness four hundred and ninety times. Love four hundred and ninety times every day.
Later in Romans 8 after Paul has given us his talk on living by the spirit and not the flesh, he says this, "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you."

One day all his promises He has given us, One day everything we've given our lives for will come into fruition. One day the things we have been waiting for will be fulfilled. One day we will finally see redemption win. We won't just see tiny glimpses that remind us that God is still working, we won't just hear a still small voice, we will see redemption win. We will see Jesus riding on a white horse, His Name will be Faithful and True. His eyes are like a flame of fire and on his head are many diadems and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords. And He will say "Come, gather for the great supper of the lame." Come.
On that day all will be worth it. On that day we will see how we have been forgiven four hundred and ninety times infinity, and with his eyes of fire that should bring judgement and wrath He looks at us with only love. And says come. Your name is written in my Book of Life, Come and enter into rest my beloved Child.
On that day, the weariness that comes with striving after love and faithfulness will be gone because we will see how it wasn't worth comparing to this glory we now see. One day, this hard life will be a blip on the span of eternity and we will be in a new Heaven and a New Earth walking eternity with Jesus Christ Himself.

Four Hundred and Ninety times I will forgive in my heart. Every day, Every sin, Every minute.
Four Hundred and Ninety times I will choose to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to live a life Holy and Pleasing to Him.
Because He is worth it, I have decided that He is far more valuable than my comfort. Far more valuable than my insecurity and fear.
He is worth more.
Four Hundred and Ninety times every second I will choose Him.