rest for the weary

two years ago I made a promise,

I was waiting

          and waiting

                and waiting.

I gave the Lord my heart, fully and truly. 

The thirsty, shattered pieces,

and the dusty, forgotten rooms,

he had it all. 

but my heart was yearning,

thirsty,

desperate for more of him,

for him to show me the purpose for the pain,

meaning for the struggle. 

My heart's song was devotion and dedication,

no matter how unsteady my faltering feet. 

Terrified of my heart's capacity,

frightened of my distracted heart's wandering,

 I clung ever so tightly to Jesus.

The waiting did not last forever, 

he stayed true to his word.

but there were other prayers, 

bigger pleas,

more important matters,

I said, "Jesus, please."

but he did not come.

I begged, "Jesus, PLEASE."

but he stayed away. 

I cried, "Jesus I need you."

Why didn't he come?

Why hasn't he come?

There are seasons of desperation. When our faith is rooted in history, not sight. When our belief in our Savior is planted firmly in memory of what He has done before. In these exhausting seasons, our reservoirs of faith are often drawn upon.
Sometimes, the reservoirs become nearly dry. Like a trek up a mountain, our energy spent, every muscle in our body shaking, crying out for rest. Parched mouths search the sky for rain and scavenge the ground for streams.
Just as we are about to collapse, as our knees begin to buckle, the call is to lift up our eyes.
Because the spring of Living water is ahead, the reservoir filled with the supplies to rejuvenate our aching bones is just before us.

I haven't seen the reservoir yet. I am still trudging the mountain, knowing it's close, sure as the sun that it is not far off. But the strength I once had confidence in is fading. The energy I once thrived on is completely spent. My bones are crying out, they've been bruised from the fall. I am clumsier than I once was. My muscles scream, weaker than I had believed.

So what do we do when the reservoir is still a long way off? What do we do when our hearts are weary? Or when sleep is restless and we cannot find the energy we need to go on? What about when the thoughts swirl recklessly in our mind, uncaring of the destruction they cause, the anxiety they invite? Where is the peace like a river that passes all understanding?

I know I am not the only one to ask these questions. I know I am not the only one to wrestle and struggle with the God that I love.

His most beautiful answer is hidden away in Isaiah 40.

"Comfort," He begins. A passage of comfort for his hurting and weary nation, for his people who feel they cannot lift their heads. He comforts them with himself. The following verses are questions to remind them of himself. In verse 25 he goes on,

"To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power, not one is missing."

This God, this powerful, mighty strong God calls the stars by name and not one is out of his reach. He speaks lovely of the great mystery that covers our sleep at night and goes on to speak kindness to the greatest of his creation, humanity.

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak O Israel, 'my way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God?'"

These words may not have drifted carelessly from my mouth but my mind has wrestled them. The painful circumstances before me, my eyes focused only on them, and my heart is sure, the Lord does not care, he cannot see, this does not matter.

But these words of hope are not filled with accusation.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?" He gently calls his people to reflection.

Of course, they had known! These were the Israelites! They knew their God. He had led them through the seas, out of slavery and into victory. They had known, the stories had been passed down from generation to generation. There was not a doubt that he had been faithful before. But would he be faithful again?

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

This is a gospel message to us. It is for us who have fainted and grown weary with the demands of life. For us who cannot understand the workings of this world. To us who are youths and yet feel we there is not an ounce of strength left in our bones. He promises to renew our strength, to be God to our brokenness. He is good, he is the creator of the ends of the earth. How could we doubt him?

But maybe you are like me. Maybe the promise of strength is great. But you aren't sure if you want to continue. You aren't sure if it is worth your time. You wonder that even if He does renew your strength, how much longer will this take? How much more must we wrestle with before our hearts are at ease, our bones can rest, our souls at peace?

The next promise is for us.

"Listen to me in silence," he says. (1) Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (9-10)... "I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. (14)
'When the poor and needy seek water and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights and fountains in the midst of the valleys... (17)."

His promise is for us. Listen to him. Fear not, yes, it will be hard, but he will help us. He will answer us and not forsake us. He will do the miraculous because of his immense love for us.
In spite of the pain and the difficulty, he will provide for us.

I have to believe that the glory that is to be revealed with this story is far greater than the glory that was revealed in the last. 

I have to believe that Jesus will continue to be kind and gracious and good to my heart.

I have to believe in this hope that is invisible.

I cannot see it. I do not know how this will remain true, but I believe in my God. My hope is fully in Him. 

And I have faith. that this will come to pass because He is good.
I believe that He will renew my strength, he may not lessen my load, but he will strengthen my bones. He may not silence my tears, but will help me and be with me. He may not take this away, but he satisfy me in the desert places.