As our laughter danced with the cool Spring breeze, I guarded mine. I didn't know if it would last, this bliss, this peace.
the sunset spoke volumes to my soul. I wanted so much for this Spring to come. I have been waiting. Longing for something to change. praying for a lot of things and a lot of people.
but the cold kept on. frigid air kept wrapping itself around my heart. constricting my breathing, anxiety winning.
because the what ifs kept swirling.
and swirling.
The tornado had formed with all of my questions, my fears.
it was an unstoppable force.
the thoughts were racing and icantstopthem. my mind is going anditneverquitestops.
doesn't He know that I desperately need answers?
doesn't He know that if this waiting lasts forever, I might let go?
He said that He knows, but my circumstances do not always reflect what I believe of goodness.
but there were moments. like this. on this rock. where for just a moment everything stopped. it was peaceful and we were talking about roller coasters and summertime. we remembered the joys of last summer and the times we got lost, and the times we hiked beyond our capacity.
these moments when peace settled into the most anxious parts of my soul. giving me hope that maybe those places wouldn't stay anxious forever.
the sunset, usually a farewell to the day, was instead a reminder that there were more to come, that the sun will rise.
the sunset, a kiss goodnight to a world ready to slumber, strokes back the darkness and whispers rest.
the sunset, this one, promised more long summer nights.
the sunset was a reminder that hope is a choice.
even if it is raining. even if there are clouds. even when the sunset is cloudless and not as beautiful as you hoped because the summer day was sticky and hot and there was no air conditioning to relieve you.
hope is a choice. a choice to believe in something greater. a choice to believe that pain does not last forever. a choice to get up out of your misery. It doesn't even require you to look up at the sun, but instead, look at the one who has crawled in next to you in your pit, to look at the one who knows the way out and believe them when they say the sun is still shining. hope is a choice to take their hand and cling tightly. hope is a choice to follow them, even when you don't want to get out of bed, even when your heart aches, even when you don't want to wake up ever again. hope is choosing life in a valley of dry bones.
this sunset was hope to the unstoppable tornado in my heart. It was a reminder that tornados end, but sunsets will always be faithful.
He knows I need answers. He knows I seek control. But He also holds tightly to me and He knows that I hold His goodness close.
so even when the clouds are real, even when my heart is chaos, even then, I will wait, I will pray, and I will cling to unreachable hope.
