It was a Jenga of the heart, a balancing act. I kept removing pieces, praying it would be okay.
It very well would have been had those pieces not been placed on top. Each block pertinent to my soul, taken, leaving a gaping hole. New blocks, placed recklessly, unbalanced on top, threatening casualties.
My life quickly becoming a see-saw, each move initiating question of my mental health, balancing dangerously between okay and not.
Each move threatened to be a cherry on top of a very unsteady sand castle.
The magma of this volcano bubbled just beneath the surface,
an eruption is coming.
The first part was these self-inflicted expectations. These thoughts that said I had to be the perfect person, I had to be exactly what everyone needed me to be at every given moment of every day. My identity and central focus suddenly wrapped up in becoming this person I could not be. And when I was not enough, suddenly I was a failure. I couldn't do it. The person I was resembled my humanity, all too well.There was no forfeiting of this identity. I am human through and through. Therefore I cannot meet my expectations because the expectations I have put on myself are equivalent to God.
I cannot be God. Yet, I have fashioned myself into a mini-god. My heart's desire is to be enough for everyone. But what if I'm not enough? What if the truth of the matter is that I am not, nor will I ever be, enough?
I am not enough.
You are not enough.
You will never be enough.
I suppose that should be discouraging.
I suppose it should just crush my heart.
But it is the most freeing statement.
No, I am not enough.
No, you are not enough.
But Jesus Christ is enough.
He is all supreme.
"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him, all things hold together." (Colossians 1:15-17)
I'd like to say it is as easy as wrapping my mind around a verse, repenting of my self-sufficiency and asking Jesus to be my strength.
It is a process. It is a journey. Along the way, more pieces of my Jenga puzzle will come out and I'll trust that the pieces my Father places back on are good. The magma will continue to bubble and soon I may erupt.
But if Christ is enough, he will cover the eruption and the destruction.
If Christ is enough, the questions don't matter.
If Christ is enough, He is the answer.
Since Christ is enough, my heart is secure.
Since He is enough, there is safety.
I will not be Savior for those who need me. He has called me to be a friend, sister, daughter. Not healer, fixer or savior. He knows the amount of time in a day and how much time I need for Him, sleep and self-care. Everything else will flow straight from that.
We are not enough.
But he is MORE than enough.
So I let go of these far-fetched expectations of who I will never be
and I fall heavily into the freedom that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me.
What I do does not matter, it is not measured on a scale.
Who I am is not defined by what I do, it is defined by the mere fact that I am covered with His wings, I am resting in His love, I am breathing by His grace, I am loving by His redemption, I am held together by His sufficiency.
I am not enough.
But He IS enough.
It very well would have been had those pieces not been placed on top. Each block pertinent to my soul, taken, leaving a gaping hole. New blocks, placed recklessly, unbalanced on top, threatening casualties.
My life quickly becoming a see-saw, each move initiating question of my mental health, balancing dangerously between okay and not.
Each move threatened to be a cherry on top of a very unsteady sand castle.
The magma of this volcano bubbled just beneath the surface,
an eruption is coming.
The first part was these self-inflicted expectations. These thoughts that said I had to be the perfect person, I had to be exactly what everyone needed me to be at every given moment of every day. My identity and central focus suddenly wrapped up in becoming this person I could not be. And when I was not enough, suddenly I was a failure. I couldn't do it. The person I was resembled my humanity, all too well.There was no forfeiting of this identity. I am human through and through. Therefore I cannot meet my expectations because the expectations I have put on myself are equivalent to God.
I cannot be God. Yet, I have fashioned myself into a mini-god. My heart's desire is to be enough for everyone. But what if I'm not enough? What if the truth of the matter is that I am not, nor will I ever be, enough?
I am not enough.
You are not enough.
You will never be enough.
I suppose that should be discouraging.
I suppose it should just crush my heart.
But it is the most freeing statement.
No, I am not enough.
No, you are not enough.
But Jesus Christ is enough.
He is all supreme.
"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him, all things hold together." (Colossians 1:15-17)
I'd like to say it is as easy as wrapping my mind around a verse, repenting of my self-sufficiency and asking Jesus to be my strength.
It is a process. It is a journey. Along the way, more pieces of my Jenga puzzle will come out and I'll trust that the pieces my Father places back on are good. The magma will continue to bubble and soon I may erupt.
But if Christ is enough, he will cover the eruption and the destruction.
If Christ is enough, the questions don't matter.
If Christ is enough, He is the answer.
Since Christ is enough, my heart is secure.
Since He is enough, there is safety.
I will not be Savior for those who need me. He has called me to be a friend, sister, daughter. Not healer, fixer or savior. He knows the amount of time in a day and how much time I need for Him, sleep and self-care. Everything else will flow straight from that.
We are not enough.
But he is MORE than enough.
So I let go of these far-fetched expectations of who I will never be
and I fall heavily into the freedom that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me.
What I do does not matter, it is not measured on a scale.
Who I am is not defined by what I do, it is defined by the mere fact that I am covered with His wings, I am resting in His love, I am breathing by His grace, I am loving by His redemption, I am held together by His sufficiency.
I am not enough.
But He IS enough.
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