The Greatest Story: Part 1

I am sitting in a home and they tell me the man laying in bed was put there by the police. He'd been laying in bed for over a year. Unable to take care of himself or his family. The police thought he was another man and beat him till he was in a coma. And they didn't pay for the damages. And now he suffers brain damage an had become like a child. 
The situation should feel hopeless. I should be angry. Instead I only feel hope.
Her husband died last year. He killed himself. Drowning himself in alcohol. He died of kidney failure. She holds her year old son. But I see her friendly neighbor who loves her community sit across from her. I don't feel upset. I feel hope.

The homes built into this mountain, the treacherous way to get to them, especially in the rain bring me hope. The smiles on the faces of the children. This place is swimming in hope.
And for the first time, its not hard to trust God with these people. To trust that he cares. To trust that he is not a complacent God. But a God who speaks. A God who acts. A God who cares.
And I realize I am part of the greatest story. One that began with Adam, Abraham, Isaac, Moses, David. One that continued with Peter, Paul and Stephen. And one that doesnt revolve around me. There are moments with me written into it, but even greater are the times I get to see others stories and introduce them to the greatest storyteller himself. Jesus.
Because here in Nicaragua, the people believe going to church will save you. But jesus isn't about church. He's about loving God and loving others. Its about getting to know him and going on the greatest adventure and taking others with you. Jesus is more than church. Jesus is about pursuing the greatest relationship and im thankful he wrote me in the story in the greatest of ways. I pray my love will show the still a better way.

One more week for my team here in Nicaragua, and I am excited for the things God has yet to do. It gives me hope.

The Father Heart of God

Day 1:
My heart is stolen. Two precious little thieves took possession of my heart. She took me into her tiny home, 5 beds, little space. A momma and papa who don't care and a 10 year old brother that basically takes care of them. Have they ever felt love before? The injustice that this concept is so foreign weighs on my heart.
But here is the gift, I have a few short days to pour all my love on them. Every ounce I have ever been given will be my only gift to these two girls.
Day 2:
I love them so much. "Te amo." My words so inadequate. I read them  bible stories in my Spanish bible. Do they understand?
I come again and one of them sees me. She engulfs me in a bear hug with her tiny arms.
She feels love. She knows love maybe for the first time with my broken Spanish and my heart filled with jesus.
I hear jesus' gentle words. "Give them to me. I love them so much more than you do." How is that possible? Because the love I experience is so great I can't even explain it. I know it is God's father heart overflowing with love, first onto me, out pouring onto these beautiful children. What is my capacity? When will I run out? When will my heart break? I've thought about the day I must leave them. And my heart aches. A burden i am not sure I can bear. And Satan whispers lies, "Love isn't worth it. This will break you. This will crush you. Don't do it." But my Father's words are sweeter. "Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper." I have finally found where I belong. In the arms of love.
Day 3:
If I love them this much and you love them so much more, then I feel safe giving then to you. I feel safe loving them with nothing left even when I know just how much it will hurt.
You answered my prayers you gave us an opportunity to share the gospel with their parents. Your hand is on this family. I know and I can confidently say that I trust you. Your hands are softer your love is more gentle, your heart is deeper and your arms are wider and you will never run  dry. Thank you for that.

Day 4:
I have one more day and I can feel my heart breaking. I can hear God whispering, "Leah, keep on loving." I'll give her my everything, but I know it will hurt. I'll give her Jesus. God says to me, "my love for her is unconditional." Am I the only one to ever love her?
He promises, "I know the plans I have for her. Plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her a future and a hope." And I trust him more than I ever have. Because I know his love and I know that he began a good work in her and he will complete it by the day or christ jesus. I believe these promises.

Day 5:
It's over. Our goodbye happened in the blink of an eye and then she was gone. The tears came, as they should. Goodbye is a terribly, bittersweet thing. But in the words of Winnie the pooh. "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I asked for this. A week ago, I prayed an apparently dangerous prayer. "God, give me a greater revelation of your father heart." And since I have experienced a love I cannot explain. If I can love this much as a flawed human, and it is only a faint shadow of the love God feels. His heart of love is so deep, so vast and expansive, yet so deep and so intimately personal. How could I ever doubt his love? I can't doubt that he will take care of Ashly. Of course he would want to speak to her as he wants to speak to me. We are his daughters. My heart is broken as I have to be the one to leave her. His heart can never be broken for that. His heart breaks when we run from him. He always pursues. Always. I felt this love and I am compelled to trust him.
Its like I am drowning in an ocean of love, I can feel his heart beating next to mine.
And now, I can love bravely. A strong love that comes from God, and shows me how to lean not on my own understanding. A love that might now be safe, but a love that I trust.

A Trash Dump and Brave Love

The trash lay astrew, some knotted on the ground, glass glimmering as it catches the sunlight. And the children are everywhere, running from hidden homes. There is food on that bus. They frantically line up, knowing something that we don't: not everyone will get some. Frowns seemingly engraved on their dirt smeared faces. I gather my team, and we present our gospel drama. After, we are just as dirty as they are. And then we give them sandwiches. One after another, they take them. They scamper off to the sides eating their sandwiches, somehow grateful for this tiny act of kindness. Our Nicaragua friend tells us "they live on less than $20 a week."
$2 a day. For one family.
But here, what constitutes as a family? Is it the 10 year old girl holding her toddler sisters hands? They hang onto her like a mother.
Or is it the many women without a man in sight with 6 kids in tow.
I tell my team, "go, play with them. Love on them." We have 2 short hours.
The little one with dirt under her nose and sad eyes is mine. I sit in the dirt, broken glass, trash and God knows what else lays around me. And I reach for her hand, she hides behind her 10 year old sister/mother. She gives a faint smile, but she doesn't know how much I want to give her love. Her sister says to me with broken eyes, "when will you come back?" How can I tell her this is our only time? She has probably seen it before, people come in for just a few hours and they leave. How can she know all we want to do is bring her home?
After some prodding, a little friend comes to sit on my lap, in the trash covered dump. A language barrier isn't much in these moments. I speak my broken Spanish and she giggles as she teaches me words and I forget them all too quickly. Silly faces for a camera brings them a joy I hadn't seen before. They are so trusting. Physically, they are so impoverished. Food needs to be rationed and clothes are picked up from the mounds of trash. But, they have so much. They have one another, and now, for the first time, they know love.
Lies whisper, "they will forget soon." But those children won't forget. It is something so different, so foreign it will forever be etched on their hearts. Because this kind of love is fierce. Thia kind of love is relentless. This kind of love is fearless. 
This is brave love.

I watched this week as my team of 4 teens, 1 youth group leader, 2 co-staff and myself, an inexperienced leader, felt God's love just a little bit deeper, inspired to live more fully.
It has been so fulfilling to give Bibles to people who have never owned one., to find hope amidst piles of trash and to disciple my team to grow.
At the end of this week, I am overwhelmed by God's affection.
He took me, an inexperienced 19 year old girl to lead a team of teenagers from America to Nicaragua. And the fruit is amazing.
I've seen a girl who used to be paralyzed to speak in front of others share her testimony, a girl with terribly high walls tear them down and let people in for the first time. Teens have led people to the lord. I heard the words, "I want to be a missionary."
The joy of discipleship is something I love to be a part of. lives changed and hearts mended inspires me.
I am learning that God is so big and strong that he can use even me to accomplish his plans. I am the clay and he is the potter. And as my dad always says, "God don't make junk."
I've been in Nicaragua for almost 2 weeks. And I am so hungry to keep falling in love with the Lord, I am so hungry to give him to others.
Here I am. Send me.

The Truth is Who He is

I had a revelation this morning that sums up my week.
If I can't believe that God loves me, my Faith becomes selfish, needy and desperate. It becomes too much about me. But if I can fully understand and grasp his love for me, I'll understand that the glory is all about Him and I can love others more deeply.
The words of insecurity never actually come from my mouth, but sometimes I wonder, "If God loves me, why and how much?' But if I'm constantly searching, desperately yearning for answers and truth I already have, it drains me. It releases from me truth and insecurity. It takes my heart that is shrouded in truth and allows lies to seep inside. And suddenly, it's about me. Suddenly, I'm so blinded by what I need that the needs of others don't seem important. They seem petty and I get irritated by the little things that people do, when instead I should care deeply and love much.
But truth is spoken over my life, and just imagine it. Jesus, the son of God himself, comes to you, takes a hold of your hand looks deep in your eyes and says, "I love you."
Everything changes. Because no longer is it about the insecurities. When your in the presence of God, all fears and doubts are cast away.
 When your so close he's holding your hand,
For the first time again,
it's real.
When you meet True Love face to face,
there's no denying it.
You are loved.
When you are His embrace,
there's no shame,
you are accepted.
When you glimpse His love for you,
there's no stopping it,
You're on fire.
In confidence, you can walk freely and it's no longer about you.
Suddenly, its about Him. Suddenly because he loves me I am free to love. I want to love deeply and give everything. And because I know who He is, I know who I am. It's no longer about myself because I'm assured and confident. When I know His love for me, it's about giving him the glory. And that is the place that I want to be.
This week, I got  a dose of how closely I edged to the cliff of narcissism in not believing God when he says, "I love you." Period. No ifs or buts. Just, "Leah, I love you." And I'm enthralled when he says my name. I'm enraptured by Who he is. 
Be confident in the identity that has been bought for you on the cross. Believe it. Speak it. Ask God to speak life over you, He will. All you must do is believe him. Don't desperately try and chase after an unachievable goal of searching for love when it's been freely given to you.
I choose belief. I choose truth, because the lies are snakes around my neck trying to kill me and I will no longer give them that role. It's no longer about who I am, it's about who my Father in heaven is.
I choose life.
John 10:10 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Surrender

Fighting against the beauty of surrender is a hopeless battle.
Unsatisfied, I forge ahead, letting my imagination fill in the details I have not yet been told. 
I hold in white-knuckled fingers a reality I have no control over.
I lose feeling, it's mine. How can I let go?
My fingers loosen their death grip. "What if," wars within my mind.
My Father looks down, gently touches my hands and whispers, "Let go."
My heart is ready, freedom knocks at the door. Yet I want to go. I want to think of every possible solution I can conjure up and run. Control is an enemy I have danced with for far too long.
Let go is freedom. Surrender will banish fear. But he is another dangerous companion I've allowed access to my heart for longer than necessary.
And the freedom I have felt, the Love I have tasted, I want more.
I want surrender to my Savior more than I could ever want the unfaithful partners of Control and Fear.
An ever faithful Love, holds my fighting heart. He calls me forward to the place I fear. 
So I will let go of this flimsy branch which is a mirage of safety
and trust
Trust is where I get caught. Trust is the place my companion of fear screams "DANGER" in my ear.
But trust is this: an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone.
The character, the ability, the strength and the truth.
"Do you trust me?" The Spirit dances words across my heart.
"Leah, Do you trust me?"
Do I trust Him? Do I believe in his character, his strength, the truth of His words?

What if..

But I know God and "What if.." doesn't seem so important anymore. What if seems meaningless in the Light of who I know my God to be. What if fades away because I know his character.
I believe He is strong enough to defeat the enemies of Fear and Control. I believe He is faithful, loving and trustworthy.
This I believe
I let go.
Momentarily falling, in the clutches of gravity, a force that will drag me down.
"Look up." I'll keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He will catch me.
And even if he doesn't,
The future holds no more fear. Because the present is ever before me.
I have a faithful Love who is not safe, but He is good. I have a faithful Friend who doesn't allow comfort but invites me to adventure. I have a beautiful Jesus whose blood was shed so I could be free. And I have a Father who doesn't force me to step on my own, but walks in front and I will follow. I will walk on his feet. As he dances with me to the music created in the symphony of our love.
I will obey because I love Him. I love Him because I know Him.
"Do you trust Me?"
I do, I trust my Savior.

Known by God

"Leah, trust me." His voice is gentle, as it always has been. His love is steady, as it always has been.
At the beginning of this week I heard God say to me, "Look for expressions of my love to you."
Because in the beginning of this week I didn't know how to describe my feelings, but I was hungry for more of God.
One morning, I took a walk, it was a road that led through the forest, it was so serene, a peacefulness I couldn't quite recreate. But as I was walking, I realized that in my life I had come out of one side of the forest. I had made it through some really hard things, I had wrestled against God to make sense out of hard things, I had fallen deeper into the arms of God. But I had come out and now I was on the road between two forests. I thought, "Jesus, I don't want to go into another forest, it's hard and I don't know what's in there."
He said, "Well, you could walk down the road, you would still see some secrets of the forest.. Or, you could go inside of the forest. Yes, it will be frightening, but it will be adventurous and fun."
As I stood in the middle of that road, weighing the two options in my hand, I decided to go into the forest.  Because I knew there was still so much for me, Jesus had so much for my heart. And I wanted it.
He showed his love to me by speaking to me through nature, one of my favorite things.
This week I was in awe of my relationship with Jesus, it's a daddy/daughter relationship, a lover/beloved relationship and a best friend relationship. He meets all my greatest needs and I can come to him and say, "You are all I need, you are my one true desire."
I won't say all the things Jesus spoke over my life this week, but I will say that he gave me the gift of love. In so many ways, so many beautiful ways that are too lovely to put into words.
I just want to encourage you to find stories of your own. Pursue Jesus deeply, run after him, fall in love with him. Jesus wants a personal relationship with you. You can't have a personal relationship without two way communication. You can't just word vomit on Jesus and call it a relationship, you must let him speak to you, you have to let him love you! He wants to go deep, He wants to give you love.
In so many different places in the Bible God says, "I know you." Galatians 4:9 says, "Now that you know God--or rather are known by God..." The word for know in these passages is to know in an intimate, personal way." It is the same word that was used when Even became pregnant with Adam's child. "Adam knew even and she concieved." This is the word God uses to say he wants to know us with! This is crazy! God wants to know us! He doesn't need us, he wants us!
His love is surprising, so overwhelming, that I cannot describe it.
I want you to experience it for yourselves!
So those of you who have never experienced this incredible love, who have never quite recognized his voice, take the time today to be still before him. Ask him for a revelation of himself to you, he will give it to you.

Carry Your Candle

This week we talked about calling. And it becomes a little overwhelming when you have absolutely no idea what your going to do with your life and your just kind of along for the ride. But promise after promise poured down from heaven this week. Telling me in tiny ways that my Father, my best friend, the God of this entire universe has a specific, intricate plan for my life.
He gave me a promise with Psalm 40:5, it says

Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

Even though I cannot see it, even though I am blind to the daunting details of the future, my God hands me a candle. He ignites the flame in my heart, and it grows. He fashions my heart as my faith in Him grows so much bigger. Then he takes my candle and shines the light in the dark little room of the presence with the future screaming at me from the dark corners. 
He takes the Light of his Hope and shines it in the corner. He gently says to me, "See, there aren't any monsters," reassuring the deepest parts of my heart from my greatest fears.
He hands the candle back to me and tells me that it will be my job to bring the hope to the scary dark world. It will be a part of my future to take my hope, my light, my joy and testimony to the world. 
And suddenly I have been imparted with a huge task. The darkness tells me to stay away and live captivated in fear. But my Savior reminds me of the candle in my hands, of the hope and peace and joy it contains. 
Yet even greater is the adventure calling whispering secrets of excitement and joy. It tells me of moments that will take my breath away. Moments where I see freedom release the hearts that are bound in chains, moments when children's cries will be stopped in my arms, moments when a woman cries in my lap and meets my precious Jesus face to face. These moments remind me how worth it this adventure will be. 
Never do I want to go back to the daily mundane of a 9-5 because my heart has been captured in the sweetest of chains and I have never felt so free. 
With the Holy Spirit in my heart whispering promises to the depths of my soul, the candle I hold that grows with my excitement and faith, and my feet ready to run, I will go. 

Sometimes I feel stuck, especially in waiting for another mission trip just around the corner. But I remember there is learning in the waiting. I remember in these moments that I am furthering my capacity to love with the intimacy I experience with Jesus and I am developing my skills to teach the things that have been imparted to me.
I remember the moments of planning for trips to Cherokee and India. I remember being in awe of the worthiness of it as I sat crosslegged with a little boy in Cherokee and he asked Jesus into his heart. Or I got to say, "Jesus loves you." to a little girl in India. Or I hold a girl at camp as she cries into my arms. I remember how worth it it is.

It's in those moments where words cannot express my love for Jesus. I stand in awe as he pours his love back on my heart. How beautiful. How beautiful it will be.

Though my heart is bound in the sweetest of chains, I am free to be me.
Though my heart cannot wait to go, I am free to "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Though the details of the future seem to be monsters hiding in the corner and my calling is not completely clear. I know that I am called to live a life of purity, faith and love radically following my God. And for now, that looks like seeing each step as he reveals it to me moment by moment.

 Today at church the sermon was about Jesus raising Lazurus to life. Not only did he bring him to life again, he commanded him to take off the grave clothes. He said "Life is more than just oxygen, it's about freedom. He came to bring us life and life abundantly!" I have come to this place where I can say, "Jesus, you are the only thing I need." It is the most freeing of places and I have life abundantly.
So I will carry my candle and light up the darkest places with hope, joy, testimony and life.